SPOILERS!!!
Here's a question:
Why is Indian food so yummy? It's like eating booze: it's all warm going down and it makes you feel real good. Even the burps are delicious. Indian food is the BEST!!! Except maybe for Japanese food. Making an ass out of yourself with utensils kicks ass!! And those red bean paste thingies, daifuku: they are the grossest things I've ever experienced and yet they are SO GOOD. What's up with that?
Horror films in general are like daifuku: our natural tendency is to reject them outright because of their weird gelatinous rice cake outside, and we totally miss the surprisingly sweet red bean paste of humor on the inside. Because all horror movies, when you distill them to their bare essense, are really silly.
Take for instance, THE RING 2. No, please.
I don't know if you ever saw the first RING, or the original Japanese verison, RINGU. I have seen both. RINGU kicked all sorts of ass.
Here's an interlude: I've seen enough Japanese horror that I think I can safely generalize here. Japanese and American horror are incredibly different. A lot of it's on the surface; we Americans seem to revel in the splatter a little more than the Japanese. Not that they don't appreciate gore...they do. But there's a strange psychological aspect that's far more terrifying. The Husband and I have discussed this at length. There's something intrinsic about the Japanese mind and culture that America can never grasp, and you see this reflected in our "attempts" to "redo" Japanese horror for American audiences. Think of the things we fear in films: sharks, Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, zombies (even though nowadays other countries are doing zombies better than we are; George Romero, save us with your LAND OF THE DEAD!!!). Then there's Japan: a land descimated by atomic warfare; a culture that reveres the ancient, the anscestral, whose religions are seeped in supernatural; a pop sensibility that is an amalgum of many, and yet totally alone on its own island. Their horror is infused with a profound loneliness and alienation, oftentimes with a strange convergence of the technological and the spiritual that is everywhere and inescapable. And we just don't get it. Even when Freddy is chasing you in your dreams, you can still grab onto him, fight him physically. He's tangable. Michael Myers is psychotic, but he's real. I think the only thing America really does right in horror is The Devil, and it's because Christianity has permeated our consciousness to such an extent that even Islamists and Buddhists can understand the threat to our souls. Ghosts can't really hurt us because Souls are Good, if ghosts even exist. God doesn't allow such nonsense here. The threat in Japanese horror can't be touched: it's the primal raging of a wronged lost soul, and you can't stop it. The wrong can never be made right.
And that's the most important difference: in Japanese horror, Good never triumphs over Evil. And that's scary.
The first American RING movie came close to this idea by sticking to the main plot points of RINGU: the only way the Mother can save the Son is by spreading the evil, sacrificing an innocent in his stead. But where they failed is that the American version tried to give the action in the story a Reasonable and Rational Explanation. And in RINGU, there was no explanation. How could there be? Why do you need one? Why do you need to know WHY something is happening if there's no way of ever stopping it?
So RING 2 begins following the end of RING, with Rachel and her son, Aiden, moving into new digs in a small town in Washington State; they've saved themselves by showing the Samara tape to someone. Rachel, through her job on the small town paper, learns of a death she suspects involves a copy of said tape. Finding the tape, she burns it, releasing Samara's soul from the confines of the Magnetic Strip Of Doom to possess Aiden's body and attempt a real life. Stuff happens, the hottie from CBS's THE GUARDIAN gets himself killed, and Rachel saves the day twice, very anti-climatically both times. THE END.
I have to admit that I enjoyed RING 2 quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, even though there were some problems.
1) Remember the end of POLTERGEIST? How the Freeling family, having escaped the evil that sucked their youngest daughter into Limbo through the TV, go to a motel and toss the Free HBO out onto the balcony? That was AWESOME. You KNOW they're never going to enjoy a February Sweeps ever again. Beginning of RING 2? Rachel and Aiden have just escaped an evil that ATTACKS PEOPLE BY COMING THROUGH THE TV SET, and yet in their new house they have THE BIGGEST FUCKING TV SET EVER. And it's not even plasma. I don't know much about the paranormal and endoplasmic transmission, but since most psychic and supernatural occurrences involve some sort of electromagntic interference, do you think a plasma or LCD set would prevent spiritual manifestation? Just asking in case the need to buy a new set arises. But still, LADY GET RID OF THE DAMN SET!!! I seriously couldn't believe it when I saw it.
2) Rachel and Aiden TOTALLY had my living room rug from Lowe's!!! It was very distracting, because it was totally devoid of cat hair.
3) I may have mentioned this before, but I have a thing about real life stuff. As anyone living in real life would, ha ha ha. But seriously, I have to mention the AWESOMEST scene, where Aiden goes into a park bathroom and sees Samara in the mirror behind him and takes pictures of himself as she creeps up on him. THAT WAS AWESOME!!! Digital cameras scare me. As do mirrors.
Here's a fun trick: Tonight while you're brushing your teeth, when you bend over the sink to spit, think briefly how FUCKED UP it would be if you stood up and there was someone STANDING BEHIND YOU!!! TOTALLY SCARY!!! This trick also works when you have your eyes closed while washing your face, and also when you're washing your hair in the shower. Bathrooms scare me. I think this is because of THE X-FILES: nothing good ever happened in a bathroom on THE X-FILES.
4) Poor Simon Baker. All he wanted was some tail, and instead he ended up dead. There's a lesson in that somewhere.
Also: Rachel leaves him dead in a RUNNING TRUCK OUTSIDE HER HOUSE. Explain THAT ONE to the police, especially after your crazy kid left a dead doctor in his hospital room. Even though we know she's not responsible for any of it, imagine how what's going on with Rachel must look to the police. Just once I'd love to see a movie where the police are like,
"Umm, you desperately wanted your son back from Child Services so you killed his doctor, stole him from the hospital and took him home, and then killed your co-worker who came to your house, who was the person who called Child Services on you in the first place. And your defense is what?"
"I didn't do any of it. A dead girl from a videotape possessed my son."
"Umm, okay."
5) This is my biggest problem with the movie, and I will leave it at this because I have to pee and I also really should work on ordering some stuff for work. The problem with horror movies today (and I think it's due in large part to the fact that American filmmakers are dumbing them down to get a PG-13 rating and thus get a bigger audience and more money) is that people in horror films don't say "fuck" enough. Seriously, there were SO MANY TIMES during the film that if I was in that situation? I would totally say "fuck." Fuck is such an awesome word to use in situtations where you're confronted with Unimaginable, Unconquerable Evil. It fits every instance, depending only on change of inflection.
Surrounded by a pack of crazed deer? "Ffffuuuuuck." Son just morphed into a dead body in front of you? "FUCK!!!"
Seriously, if you were an Evil Spirit, and someone came at you instead of running away in fear, and she's all like, "YOU FUCKING FUCK ASS BITCH, YOU LEAVE ME AND MY SON ALONE OR I WILL SO FUCKING FUCK UP YOUR UNDEAD ASS YOU FUCKHOLE DAUGHTER OF A FUCKTARD!!!!" I know I would think twice about doing battle with her for her son's soul.
So, in conclusion, I think I'm going to write my own horror movie. I know I promised that FLUSH POINT would be out sometime in the near future, but I feel it's my civic duty to correct this injustice of language. Because if we cannot tell the Evil invading our lives to fuck off, then the fucking fuckwad terrorists have fucking won.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
review--Neon Genesis Evangelion
Oh, it's been a long while, has it not? I must apologize profusely. I would like to claim illness or Major Life-Altering Events, but in fact it was just laziness, pure and simple. Oh, Dear Reader, all the times I find myself sitting on the couch, eyes glazed over at yet another report of Lindsey Lohan's new eating disorder or Kevin and Britney's One True Love, and I think, "I could be writing about this in my blog right now." Yet alas, I cannot muster the energy to care, let alone write scathingly about it.
Plus, I've actually got SHITLOADS of shit to do at work, and since this this usually where I write these things, I've been DOING MY JOB, and sorry, but my job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN YOU. That's my hobby. My PREDILECTION, if you will.
But the complaints have been flowing in from FAR and WIDE, so here you go...a REVIEW of NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
Let me begin by saying it's Eve-an-GELL-eon and not E-vanj-a-LEE-on like I've been incorrectly pronouncing it for years. Just in case you didn't want to look like a total loser when you go to the comic book store and ask for a copy.
Next, let me give you a bit of history...NGE is the GREATEST ANIME EVAH!!! It's the 1337 r0x0rs!!!!11!!! Here is what Amazon.com has to say about NGE:
"A benchmark series in the history of anime, Hideaki Anno's Neon Genesis Evangelion is one of the most widely discussed in anime. It's not the first series to combine mecha (futuristic machines, especially robots) with theology and a character-driven story, but it does so exceptionally well. The designs of the robots by Ikuto Yamashita are strikingly original; the questions raised about the future of the human race stimulate viewers' imaginations and the characters show a depth of personality rare in anime."
This was not the version I saw.
The NGE I watched was 26 half-hour episodes detailing how a total loser and an annoying German chick with a Japanese name become fighter pilots even though they are 14 years old. Shinji is a total pussy; his dad is super-powerful and runs/is a member of/does the bidding of a secret organization that uses this other organization, NERV, as its cover.
Okay, let me back up.
NGE is 26 episodes long. The first, eh, twenty are the exact same episode, with varying levels of people being annoying. And there are robots, but they're not really robots.
Okay, wait.
NGE takes place in 2015. Most of the population of Earth has been killed off due to the after-effects of what is called "The Second Impact." The public has been led to believe this was a meteor strike, but it was actually an attack by one of a sentient race of beings called "Angels." Angels periodically attack the earth for no reason. And they don't attack Earth persay, but NERV, a government organization sometimes in opposition to the UN, but whose charter is to destroy Angels. To do this they've created biomechanoids called Evangelion, or Eva for short, that are piloted by psychic 14 year olds. The action begins when Shinji is recruited to join NERV by his absentee father, who is not only high up in NERV but is also part of a shadow organization working behind NERV. Shinji reluctantly pilots an Eva, mainly to win approval from his father. The first fifteen or so episodes feature Shinji and his teammates battling various Angels with their Eva, with varying degrees of success. Then there is a recap/clip show.
Then, FINALLY, after all of this, a semblence of a plot!!! The old flame of one of the military personnel in charge of the operation is a spy!!! He thinks something fishy is going on!!! Eva are actually made from a captured Angel!!! Evas think!!! One of the pilots is a clone!!! There are lots of her!!! And Shinji's Eva contains his dead mother's spirit!!! IT'S AWESOME!!!
And then Shinji has a crisis of conscience and doubts his existence in the next to last episode and it's a bunch of crap about "who am I if I am not me?" And it's like you've dropped acid and are watching the Teletubbies but not nearly as well-written and acted. And then in the last episode Shinji decides who he is, and everyone claps.
No, seriously. Shinji picks a personality and all the characters applaud. And that's the last episode.
Nothing about the clone. Nothing about the Angels. Nothing about Shinji's mom being trapped in a robot. The conspiracy is dropped.
Now, I REALIZE that there are other NGE out there; yes, I am well aware that this ending was not what the animator Hideaki Anno wanted so he made some more clip shows and whatnot. But give me a break, THIS is the GREATEST ANIME EVER?!?! It is, if by "greatest" you mean "no plot." If "greatest" is the French word for "makes no sense."
And the WORST of it was I sat there, The Husband by my side groaning the entire time, and we SLOGGED through this piece of crap, waiting for something to happen. And then when it finally did happen, it meant nothing.
I would hate it if this had been my introduction to anime. Anime as a genre kicks all sorts of ass. Yes, you have to weed through crap like any kind of entertainment, but what's most difficult to reconcile with anime is the fact that you have to devote a lot of time and energy to a story, only to sometimes have it totally suck ass. And you also sometimes have to deal with lots of naked chicks. And chicks with tails. And tentacle sex. Nevermind.
If this hasn't totally turned you off of anime, check out WICKED CITY for a really fucked up but relatively easy to follow story, MILLENNIUM ACTRESS for a more traditional story told in a non-traditional way (MILLENNIUM ACTRESS really shows how freeing animation can be to a narrative) and of course anything by Hayao Miyazaki (SPIRITED AWAY). MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO makes me cry EVERY TIME!!! COWBOY BEBOP is something you'll have to invest a lot of time toward, but the story's amazing and the characters are well fleshed out. And of course there's AKIRA, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever but it has gigantic killer teddy bears and creepy pale kids and people screaming TETSUO!!! over and over again, so it's awesome even if you don't understand a word of it.
And that, kids, is Anime 101. There will be a mid-term.
Hopefully, I will review the new STAR WARS piece of crap. And I have to tell you about my trip to New York to see HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. And I still haven't seen AMITYVILLE HORROR. But we shall see, kiddies, we shall see.
Now I'm off to look for more naked pictures of Hugh Laurie, and then go get The Husband from work. WATCH HOUSE MD, GODDAMNIT!!! Last night's episode was the GREATEST EPISODE OF ANYTHING EVER ON TELEVISION, including when Kelly won American Idol.
Maybe one day I will write about it.
Plus, I've actually got SHITLOADS of shit to do at work, and since this this usually where I write these things, I've been DOING MY JOB, and sorry, but my job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN YOU. That's my hobby. My PREDILECTION, if you will.
But the complaints have been flowing in from FAR and WIDE, so here you go...a REVIEW of NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
Let me begin by saying it's Eve-an-GELL-eon and not E-vanj-a-LEE-on like I've been incorrectly pronouncing it for years. Just in case you didn't want to look like a total loser when you go to the comic book store and ask for a copy.
Next, let me give you a bit of history...NGE is the GREATEST ANIME EVAH!!! It's the 1337 r0x0rs!!!!11!!! Here is what Amazon.com has to say about NGE:
"A benchmark series in the history of anime, Hideaki Anno's Neon Genesis Evangelion is one of the most widely discussed in anime. It's not the first series to combine mecha (futuristic machines, especially robots) with theology and a character-driven story, but it does so exceptionally well. The designs of the robots by Ikuto Yamashita are strikingly original; the questions raised about the future of the human race stimulate viewers' imaginations and the characters show a depth of personality rare in anime."
This was not the version I saw.
The NGE I watched was 26 half-hour episodes detailing how a total loser and an annoying German chick with a Japanese name become fighter pilots even though they are 14 years old. Shinji is a total pussy; his dad is super-powerful and runs/is a member of/does the bidding of a secret organization that uses this other organization, NERV, as its cover.
Okay, let me back up.
NGE is 26 episodes long. The first, eh, twenty are the exact same episode, with varying levels of people being annoying. And there are robots, but they're not really robots.
Okay, wait.
NGE takes place in 2015. Most of the population of Earth has been killed off due to the after-effects of what is called "The Second Impact." The public has been led to believe this was a meteor strike, but it was actually an attack by one of a sentient race of beings called "Angels." Angels periodically attack the earth for no reason. And they don't attack Earth persay, but NERV, a government organization sometimes in opposition to the UN, but whose charter is to destroy Angels. To do this they've created biomechanoids called Evangelion, or Eva for short, that are piloted by psychic 14 year olds. The action begins when Shinji is recruited to join NERV by his absentee father, who is not only high up in NERV but is also part of a shadow organization working behind NERV. Shinji reluctantly pilots an Eva, mainly to win approval from his father. The first fifteen or so episodes feature Shinji and his teammates battling various Angels with their Eva, with varying degrees of success. Then there is a recap/clip show.
Then, FINALLY, after all of this, a semblence of a plot!!! The old flame of one of the military personnel in charge of the operation is a spy!!! He thinks something fishy is going on!!! Eva are actually made from a captured Angel!!! Evas think!!! One of the pilots is a clone!!! There are lots of her!!! And Shinji's Eva contains his dead mother's spirit!!! IT'S AWESOME!!!
And then Shinji has a crisis of conscience and doubts his existence in the next to last episode and it's a bunch of crap about "who am I if I am not me?" And it's like you've dropped acid and are watching the Teletubbies but not nearly as well-written and acted. And then in the last episode Shinji decides who he is, and everyone claps.
No, seriously. Shinji picks a personality and all the characters applaud. And that's the last episode.
Nothing about the clone. Nothing about the Angels. Nothing about Shinji's mom being trapped in a robot. The conspiracy is dropped.
Now, I REALIZE that there are other NGE out there; yes, I am well aware that this ending was not what the animator Hideaki Anno wanted so he made some more clip shows and whatnot. But give me a break, THIS is the GREATEST ANIME EVER?!?! It is, if by "greatest" you mean "no plot." If "greatest" is the French word for "makes no sense."
And the WORST of it was I sat there, The Husband by my side groaning the entire time, and we SLOGGED through this piece of crap, waiting for something to happen. And then when it finally did happen, it meant nothing.
I would hate it if this had been my introduction to anime. Anime as a genre kicks all sorts of ass. Yes, you have to weed through crap like any kind of entertainment, but what's most difficult to reconcile with anime is the fact that you have to devote a lot of time and energy to a story, only to sometimes have it totally suck ass. And you also sometimes have to deal with lots of naked chicks. And chicks with tails. And tentacle sex. Nevermind.
If this hasn't totally turned you off of anime, check out WICKED CITY for a really fucked up but relatively easy to follow story, MILLENNIUM ACTRESS for a more traditional story told in a non-traditional way (MILLENNIUM ACTRESS really shows how freeing animation can be to a narrative) and of course anything by Hayao Miyazaki (SPIRITED AWAY). MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO makes me cry EVERY TIME!!! COWBOY BEBOP is something you'll have to invest a lot of time toward, but the story's amazing and the characters are well fleshed out. And of course there's AKIRA, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever but it has gigantic killer teddy bears and creepy pale kids and people screaming TETSUO!!! over and over again, so it's awesome even if you don't understand a word of it.
And that, kids, is Anime 101. There will be a mid-term.
Hopefully, I will review the new STAR WARS piece of crap. And I have to tell you about my trip to New York to see HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. And I still haven't seen AMITYVILLE HORROR. But we shall see, kiddies, we shall see.
Now I'm off to look for more naked pictures of Hugh Laurie, and then go get The Husband from work. WATCH HOUSE MD, GODDAMNIT!!! Last night's episode was the GREATEST EPISODE OF ANYTHING EVER ON TELEVISION, including when Kelly won American Idol.
Maybe one day I will write about it.
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