SPOILERS!!!
I know what I promised. No more bad movies. But the box was SO COOL. And the movie starred Zach Galligan from GREMLINS and Bruce Boxleitner from BABYLON 5. And its title cooed LEGIONS OF THE DEAD.
Alas, it was not to be.
LEGION OF THE DEAD is about Egyptian vampire mummies in Los Angeles. I know what you're thinking. Kelmeister, you are saying to yourself, isn't the defining characteristic of Egyptian vampire mummies the fact that they are found in Egypt? Well, yes, you could think that. But I bet you'd be surprised to know there are ACTUAL DOCUMENTED THEORIES that the Egyptians had a Trans-Atlantic trade route to the Americas, which conveniently took them by Atlantis. See, ACTUAL REAL-LIFE SCIENTISTS have done studies on mummies and found chemical evidence of plants indigenous only to the Western Hemisphere during the time of the Egyptian Empires. Sound too good to be true? It probably is, but I found it on the internets, so I'm sticking with that as an explanation. So anyway, the Egyptians...they're coming over here and tradin' and tradin' and some stayed they liked it so much and they became the Aztecs. But others thought North America sucked ass, and so they would send the worst people over here to suffer and die. One such person was Aneh-Tet, who did some stuff that probably involved little to no clothing, so she was banished to the LA area, where a tomb was built for her and she was locked in, vowing to return and command both the living and the dead.
Enter Zach Galligan, who has apparently not learned to NEVER FEED THEM AFTER MIDNIGHT. He's a lecherous professor of Archaeology who's discovered Aneh-Tet's underground tomb and is excavating it with some of his Dressed-Improperly-for-Archaeological-Digs graduate sluts-I mean students. One is Molly, a beautiful girl trying too hard to look like a nerd, especially considering she's slept with every guy at the dig...abet drunkenly, as she so delicately puts it. She's a specialist in reading hieroglyphics. Then there's this Australian actor playing a French archaeologist, and he's smarmy enough that you know he's totally going to ressurrect the Egyptian chick. And then there's the dude love with Molly, and Bruce Boxleiter's a cop with a kick ass jacket who knows way too much about dating DNA samples. And there's face melting, and spines being ripped out, and the dead being raised, and boobies. And some virgins were sacrificed. And lots of people die and come back to life. And The Husband and I were in it!! Or at least our car was. THE END.
First, I feel the need to reveal to you that the copy we had was fucked up. And I don't mean the movie itself; there was something wrong with the disc that caused lots of fits and starts and pixilated greenness. So we had to switch DVD players to try and overcome our technical difficulties, and this caused us to miss what were, I suppose, critical plot points of the film. LIke why the hell Molly and Chump-boy went out, broke up, stopped speaking to each other, and wanted to get back together in the first place. Also, people we'd never seen before had a bad habit of dying and then showing up dead, and we had no clue who they were or what function they served in the film. Also, Aneh-Tet's powers of evil had an annoying way of changing their modus operandi, so at one point people could be killed just by having her look at them askance, and other times she'd actually have to touch them. And sometimes touching them would kill them instantly, and other times people pertinent to the plot would be able to get away for a few minutes.
Even despite these tiny quibbles with the script, two points stuck out glaringly:
1) How many women did they have to hire to suck Bruce Boxleitner's dick to get him to appear in this movie? and
2) Can you call your henchmen of undead a "legion" if there are only six of them?
See, I can understand Zach Galligan, maybe. I mean, when all you can think of to distinguish him from all the other pasty-faced actors you haven't heard of since the 80s is "Hey, he was in GREMLINS," I can expect him to show up in a shitty movie such as this. But Boxleitner? CAPTAIN SHERIDAN!?!?! Say it ain't so!
The Husband and I decided the filmmakers gave him his kick ass jacket, and the sunglasses, and the cowboy hat...and probably also the prop cell phone. And he didn't have to die until the end of the movie.
And also, the LEGION OF THE DEAD was only six dead people. I don't know if I should feel cheated, or send the filmmakers an Texas Instruments calculator.
Oh...on a final note I should point out that LEGION OF THE DEAD was brought to you by the production winners who also made JOLLY ROGER. So I should have known. I really, really should have known.
The preview for FRANKENSTEIN REBORN looked kick ass.
And now I'm off to see SERENITY!!! You should go too, so they make more Serenity movies and I'm a happy camper.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Friday, September 9, 2005
review--SUPERNATURAL
SPOILERS!!!
So the WB, in its infinite wisdom, has posted the pilot episode of its new series SUPERNATURAL on Yahoo. This is an ingeneous idea long awaited by moi. After all, I can't be bothered to actively seek out TV shows to download and watch during lunch. I like to be handed crap on a silver platter. So in what is a rare occurance, I've actually seen something before you have, and I'm going to tell you about it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you SUPERNATURAL!!!
Let me begin by saying that SUPERNATURAL will be airing opposite HOUSE on Tuesday nights. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Okay, so...SUPERNATURAL. Here's the plot: two dudes, Brother #1 and Brother #2 (okay, it's Dean and Sam) loose their mother when they are both very young. She dies when she sees some guy in Sam's room and then next thing you know she's on the ceiling and she's been stabbed and then she bursts into flames. On the ceiling. So Sam and Dean's dad spends the rest of his life trying to find the "thing" that killed her, dragging his two sons along on his "hunting expeditions." Now they're adults, and Dad's missing, and Sam just wants to go to law school. And Dean's kind of an ass, and they lovingly call each other "bitch" and tell each other to "shut your cakehole." And they're chasing after a ghost, and I think that's Steve Railsback making a guest appearance, and then sucked into hell and more bursting into flames, and Sam gives up the Good Life to go trolling on the highway with Dean, looking for Dad.
First, lots of people who worked on the X-Files worked on this show. It looks like it too: I could barely see what was going on. SUPERNATURAL exists in that America where Daytime never happens.
Second, it's written by the dude who wrote BOOGEYMAN. Did I tell you about Boogeyman? It was shitty. Xena's in it. Not much, though. So the show's kind of like I WISH I WAS ANGEL, BUT I'M ACTUALLY MORE LIKE WALKING TALL BUT WITH ANNOYING COLLEGE KIDS.
Here's the problem: Sam's way too ernest. From the beginning of the show he's whining about how he wants a "normal life," but we're never shown how fucked up his upbringing actually was. It's hinted about, what with guns in the trunk and the incessant bickering and the credit card fraud. But look, his dad keeps a copy of a photo of the three of them with him all the time even though they long ago stopped speaking to one another so he must still really love them even though Sam hates him for ruining his life, oh and by the way Dad's a raging alcoholic, too, just for good measure, but boy does it feel good to be back in the hunt and I guess I acutally do have long suppressed feelings of love and respect for Dad but I still need to go to Law School and Have A Normal Life.
Oh, Sam, Sam...have you not learned? NEVER turn your back on Family. To do so means the show is over, and that can't possibly happen so instead your girlfriend is going to die EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER DID and now your murderous revenge dovetails nicely with your brother's and father's and you go off to find Dad because now That's All That Matters.
I don't even remember his girlfriend's name. Hmm.
For some bizarre reason, this year's new Fall season is all about space aliens and ghosts. What's that all about? Think we'd forgotten The X-Files so soon? Trying to capture lightening in a bottle? Try to capture this and see where it gets you.
So what else did I want to say? THe special effects are kind of cool. It's just...remember back in the 80s there was this glut of shows about people wandering around searching for stuff? Incredible Hulk jumps to mind (I know that was the 70s) and The Phoenix and Starman and crap like that? SUPERNATURAL is going to be just like that. Only they're looking for their mother's killer AND their dad, so I guess that means the plots are limitless.
"Well, gots to move on to another town."
That's what this show is going to end up being. Maybe I judge too soon: TV Guide practically orgasmed over it, if I remember correctly.
The other thing that bugs me, though, is that it tries to be all down with the paranormal lingo, and instead they end up randomly pulling things out of their asses and out of Google searches with no context or explanation. That's annoying. I know they're supposed to be all "knowledgeable" and whatnot, and that Sam's really good at hunting ghosts even if he wishes he wasn't, but instead of making him look like he's found his true calling he looks like he's making shit up. Which he probably is.
So, yeah, this show's not much to write home about. Maybe it'll pick up; who knows? Not me. I'll be waiting around for my Naked Hugh Laurie Episode of House.
LL Cool J's on the season premiere, Tuesday 13th at 9:00pm on Fox.
I wanted to end this with something funny but I can't think of anything.
So the WB, in its infinite wisdom, has posted the pilot episode of its new series SUPERNATURAL on Yahoo. This is an ingeneous idea long awaited by moi. After all, I can't be bothered to actively seek out TV shows to download and watch during lunch. I like to be handed crap on a silver platter. So in what is a rare occurance, I've actually seen something before you have, and I'm going to tell you about it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you SUPERNATURAL!!!
Let me begin by saying that SUPERNATURAL will be airing opposite HOUSE on Tuesday nights. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Okay, so...SUPERNATURAL. Here's the plot: two dudes, Brother #1 and Brother #2 (okay, it's Dean and Sam) loose their mother when they are both very young. She dies when she sees some guy in Sam's room and then next thing you know she's on the ceiling and she's been stabbed and then she bursts into flames. On the ceiling. So Sam and Dean's dad spends the rest of his life trying to find the "thing" that killed her, dragging his two sons along on his "hunting expeditions." Now they're adults, and Dad's missing, and Sam just wants to go to law school. And Dean's kind of an ass, and they lovingly call each other "bitch" and tell each other to "shut your cakehole." And they're chasing after a ghost, and I think that's Steve Railsback making a guest appearance, and then sucked into hell and more bursting into flames, and Sam gives up the Good Life to go trolling on the highway with Dean, looking for Dad.
First, lots of people who worked on the X-Files worked on this show. It looks like it too: I could barely see what was going on. SUPERNATURAL exists in that America where Daytime never happens.
Second, it's written by the dude who wrote BOOGEYMAN. Did I tell you about Boogeyman? It was shitty. Xena's in it. Not much, though. So the show's kind of like I WISH I WAS ANGEL, BUT I'M ACTUALLY MORE LIKE WALKING TALL BUT WITH ANNOYING COLLEGE KIDS.
Here's the problem: Sam's way too ernest. From the beginning of the show he's whining about how he wants a "normal life," but we're never shown how fucked up his upbringing actually was. It's hinted about, what with guns in the trunk and the incessant bickering and the credit card fraud. But look, his dad keeps a copy of a photo of the three of them with him all the time even though they long ago stopped speaking to one another so he must still really love them even though Sam hates him for ruining his life, oh and by the way Dad's a raging alcoholic, too, just for good measure, but boy does it feel good to be back in the hunt and I guess I acutally do have long suppressed feelings of love and respect for Dad but I still need to go to Law School and Have A Normal Life.
Oh, Sam, Sam...have you not learned? NEVER turn your back on Family. To do so means the show is over, and that can't possibly happen so instead your girlfriend is going to die EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER DID and now your murderous revenge dovetails nicely with your brother's and father's and you go off to find Dad because now That's All That Matters.
I don't even remember his girlfriend's name. Hmm.
For some bizarre reason, this year's new Fall season is all about space aliens and ghosts. What's that all about? Think we'd forgotten The X-Files so soon? Trying to capture lightening in a bottle? Try to capture this and see where it gets you.
So what else did I want to say? THe special effects are kind of cool. It's just...remember back in the 80s there was this glut of shows about people wandering around searching for stuff? Incredible Hulk jumps to mind (I know that was the 70s) and The Phoenix and Starman and crap like that? SUPERNATURAL is going to be just like that. Only they're looking for their mother's killer AND their dad, so I guess that means the plots are limitless.
"Well, gots to move on to another town."
That's what this show is going to end up being. Maybe I judge too soon: TV Guide practically orgasmed over it, if I remember correctly.
The other thing that bugs me, though, is that it tries to be all down with the paranormal lingo, and instead they end up randomly pulling things out of their asses and out of Google searches with no context or explanation. That's annoying. I know they're supposed to be all "knowledgeable" and whatnot, and that Sam's really good at hunting ghosts even if he wishes he wasn't, but instead of making him look like he's found his true calling he looks like he's making shit up. Which he probably is.
So, yeah, this show's not much to write home about. Maybe it'll pick up; who knows? Not me. I'll be waiting around for my Naked Hugh Laurie Episode of House.
LL Cool J's on the season premiere, Tuesday 13th at 9:00pm on Fox.
I wanted to end this with something funny but I can't think of anything.
Thursday, September 1, 2005
review--MIKE NELSON SHOCKS THE BOX
I'm...dying...
Seriously, I'm totally not long for this world. I just met God...I have no reason to continue on. Also, I think I'm never going to wash my right hand, so I will probably get ebola or flesh eating disease or something, so even if you think I'm being way too dramatic with the declaring my death and all, you'll be sorry if I get something you get from feces or something...
I shook Mike Nelson's hand. And I talked to him. And I watched him be funny. And it was awesome. I also cried a little bit, but I did not pee my pants. So I can die happy.
Wait, Nelson? That 80s hair band? NO, ASS. MICHAEL J. NELSON. Trapped on the Satellite of Love. With the robots. Mystery Science Theater 3000? Just THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER, EVEN MORE THAN THE X-FILES AND POSSIBLY HOUSE, BUT HOUSE HAS ONLY BEEN ON ONE SEASON SO IT COULD GET EVEN BETTER LIKE WHEN THEY HAVE THAT EPISODE WHERE HUGH LAURIE IS NAKED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.
Close your eyes, Dear Reader, and let me take you back, back in time to 1993...Big K Kollege on Top of the Hill, where the men were men and the women wore patchouli. Well, the guys wore it too, but I digress. Friends of Kelmeister weren't exactly the most, shall we say, studious? We got our shit done, but it was a trial. Take for example, MST3K. Every weeknight, midnight. Comedy Central. All work stopped. No matter how many papers you had to do, how many exams you had the next day, everyone gathered around the TV as though it were the middle of a blizzard and Manos: The Hands of Fate was a roaring fire. And considering it was the Big K Kollege on Top of the Hill, that's pretty much the God's honest truth about the situation. Because winters sucked ass. K KOLLEGE IS A WALKING CAMPUS. Anyway, many an evening was spent laughing along with Mike and Tom and Crow, and sometimes Joel. And when it wasn't on TV, we'd recite snappy dialogue amongst ourselves like we were Hailing Mary. I even used this pithy exchange as my senior quote...
Joel: Okay, and what do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow: I want the power to decide who lives and who dies!
Joel: Oh, I don't know about that.
I still giggle when I read that. Hey, it was either that, or a quote from Kundera's The Farewell Party, or Faulkner's Light in August. I didn't want to seem too high brow.
Winter Break of 94, I stayed on campus. I had somehow managed to commandeer the dorm's TV/VCR combo, and I began what would become a dangerous trend: I would fall asleep watching tapes of MST3K.
So here it is, over ten years later. The Husband can attest to the fact that I've become somewhat of a chronic insomniac. It could be because of the massive amounts of Prozac I consume. It could be all the tea I drink. Most likely it's all the naps I take during the day...the heart of the matter is that I have a very difficult time getting to sleep at night. If I've got bad allergies I'll take a Benadryl and off to Sleepy Land I go. If it's been a few days and I've not slept at all to the point that my driving is impaired and I scrape the side of the car on a pole at the drive-up ATM, I'll take a Unisom. In every case, drugs or no drugs, I have to have MST3K playing in the background or I still can't get to sleep. I don't know if it's the flickering light from the TV, or the warm dulcet tones of Mike and the Bots bantering back and forth, but it always works like a charm. The Jack Frost episode is the best, followed by The Day the Earth Froze and the Magic Voyage of Sinbad. Also Time Chasers is really awesome. Pod People is my favorite episode to watch when not trying to go to sleep.
So anyway, this morning The Husband and I were getting ready to go to work when The Husband realized he'd forgotten to get his Important Paperwork. I waited in the car listening to NPR (Yes, I listen to NPR, fuck you.). And who is the hometown reporter interviewing but MICHAEL J. NELSON from MST3K!!! He's in town!! And performing live!!! And we missed the first performance but they've added a second show!!! I'M SO FUCKING GOING!!!
I called The Husband after I got to work to see if he'd want to go. Tickets are $30. THIRTY DOLLARS he says. Well, we could get the super special reserved seats for $300, and that includes a bottle of champagne and a picture with MIKE NELSON. We don't drink, The Husband reminds me. It's a picture with MIKE NELSON I stress, in case he missed it the first time. You didn't spend $300 to see Duran Duran even though you could, he reminds me. Yeah, I say, but we'll get our picture with MIKE NELSON. So, The Husband opts for the only true action available to him, which is to sigh and say "whatever." So I got three tickets, in case The Brother, who also Bows at the Altar of MIKE NELSON, would want to go. But he didn't so The Mother went instead.
So MIKE NELSON appeared with Shadowbox Cabaret at Easton. They performed a MIKE NELSON original, and at the end of the show he sang a song about me, called Sci Fi Girl, in which he compared my eyes to Agent Scully's which was CRAZY because X-files was like my all-time favorite show when I still had enough disposable income to waste on David Duchovny magazines. As you well know. MIKE NELSON also appeared in other sketches; one of which that he wasn't in was this awesome parody of the Maury Povich show, which is my Favorite Show of All Time, but only when they're doing the paternity test shows or the lie detector shows, because the shows where they have you guess if it's a man or a woman and the ones where the sexy secret crushes are revealed are really boring.
After the show we got a free poster to have autographed by MIKE NELSON, even though we didn't pay the $300 admission, which was awesome. The Mother had hers autographed for The Brother, and The Husband had his autographed for His Co-Worker Who Also Likes MST3K. I was all atwitter. I couldn't think of anything to say. I wanted to tell MIKE NELSON that I loved him, that The Best Friend and I had fantasized on dark stormy nights at K Kollege that we'd drive to Minnesota and apply to be interns with Best Brains, Inc., and they would love us and make us interns and then they'd realize how insane we were with the pop culture knowledge and we'd get writing jobs on the show and then eventually we'd be on TV and it would be the GREATEST JOB EVER. Because we'd be working with Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo and Gypsy, and they're like my imaginary best friends even though they're puppets. Or what about that time I had really incredibly bad food poisoning at school, and I was projectile vomiting, and I thought I was dying, but I didn't have the TV/VCR combo in my room so I couldn't watch my tapes, and in my delirium I called home and told my mom I wanted to watch TV because MST3K always made me feel better and she and my dad came to school to take me to the emergency but I totally never got to watch MST3K? Or how much The Husband hates having to put up with me falling asleep to the Sci Fi Channel years of the show, because when I taped them I would change the channels during the commercials, so it's like getting a view into my twisted psyche but at the same time it's really fucking annoying because you're watching a tape and you still have to suffer through me fucking with the remote?
But now. This is how the exchange went:
Me: Duh, uhh. Ummm, ah *Shoves poster at MIKE NELSON* Can I shake your hand? *Shakes hand (MIKE NELSON'S hand was sweaty with a firm grip)* Uh, I can't think of anything witty to say.
MIKE NELSON *impressed, points at me*: THAT was really good!!!
Me: Duh, uhh, ummm, ah. I wanted to tell you that I have chronic insomnia, and the only thing I can fall asleep to is MST3K.
MIKE NELSON: You're kidding?
Me: No, seriously, I have the 93 Turkey Day on tape, and I have to put it on a loop to play or else I can't get to sleep. Jack Frost is my favorite to fall asleep to.
MIKE NELSON: You've got to be kidding.
Me: No, really. Uhh, umm *shaking like a leaf, walks off*
So that was my meeting with MIKE NELSON. The Mother later said it looked like I'd made his night, and wondered why I just didn't take tea with him considering how long I was up there. The Husband teased me for tearing up. But it's been a long time since I've met anyone famous, ie someone on TV who makes shitloads more than me and whom people recognize on the street. I can't even remember the last famous person I met. Did I meet Nick Hornby? I don't think I did. I'm usually to scared to talk to them.
God, you know I'm totally like that Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley (God Bless Him) where he'd interview famous people and all the questions would be like, "Um, Mr. DeNiro, you remember in that movie TAXI DRIVER, where you were like, 'are you looking at me? are you looking at me?' That was awesome."
Although I did force my way back to meet Warren Zevon (God Bless Him) way back in the day. I was totally in love with this Asshole who was in love with Warren Zevon, so we went to see Zevon and Asshole was totally all over my friend the whole time at the show. And I promised the Asshole that I could get him back to meet Zevon and I did. And then I went to say hi to Zevon and I said, "Mr. Zevon, I've only been a fan of yours for like three months, but I think you're really awesome." And Zevon said, "Three months is a really long time."
And it is.
So it's now Midnight. I'm going to go wash my hand because unfortunately OCD trumps MIKE NELSON every time. I can hear The Husband snoring. So I'm off to bed.
No tapes for me tonight; I'll just replay the real thing in my head.
Seriously, I'm totally not long for this world. I just met God...I have no reason to continue on. Also, I think I'm never going to wash my right hand, so I will probably get ebola or flesh eating disease or something, so even if you think I'm being way too dramatic with the declaring my death and all, you'll be sorry if I get something you get from feces or something...
I shook Mike Nelson's hand. And I talked to him. And I watched him be funny. And it was awesome. I also cried a little bit, but I did not pee my pants. So I can die happy.
Wait, Nelson? That 80s hair band? NO, ASS. MICHAEL J. NELSON. Trapped on the Satellite of Love. With the robots. Mystery Science Theater 3000? Just THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER, EVEN MORE THAN THE X-FILES AND POSSIBLY HOUSE, BUT HOUSE HAS ONLY BEEN ON ONE SEASON SO IT COULD GET EVEN BETTER LIKE WHEN THEY HAVE THAT EPISODE WHERE HUGH LAURIE IS NAKED THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.
Close your eyes, Dear Reader, and let me take you back, back in time to 1993...Big K Kollege on Top of the Hill, where the men were men and the women wore patchouli. Well, the guys wore it too, but I digress. Friends of Kelmeister weren't exactly the most, shall we say, studious? We got our shit done, but it was a trial. Take for example, MST3K. Every weeknight, midnight. Comedy Central. All work stopped. No matter how many papers you had to do, how many exams you had the next day, everyone gathered around the TV as though it were the middle of a blizzard and Manos: The Hands of Fate was a roaring fire. And considering it was the Big K Kollege on Top of the Hill, that's pretty much the God's honest truth about the situation. Because winters sucked ass. K KOLLEGE IS A WALKING CAMPUS. Anyway, many an evening was spent laughing along with Mike and Tom and Crow, and sometimes Joel. And when it wasn't on TV, we'd recite snappy dialogue amongst ourselves like we were Hailing Mary. I even used this pithy exchange as my senior quote...
Joel: Okay, and what do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow: I want the power to decide who lives and who dies!
Joel: Oh, I don't know about that.
I still giggle when I read that. Hey, it was either that, or a quote from Kundera's The Farewell Party, or Faulkner's Light in August. I didn't want to seem too high brow.
Winter Break of 94, I stayed on campus. I had somehow managed to commandeer the dorm's TV/VCR combo, and I began what would become a dangerous trend: I would fall asleep watching tapes of MST3K.
So here it is, over ten years later. The Husband can attest to the fact that I've become somewhat of a chronic insomniac. It could be because of the massive amounts of Prozac I consume. It could be all the tea I drink. Most likely it's all the naps I take during the day...the heart of the matter is that I have a very difficult time getting to sleep at night. If I've got bad allergies I'll take a Benadryl and off to Sleepy Land I go. If it's been a few days and I've not slept at all to the point that my driving is impaired and I scrape the side of the car on a pole at the drive-up ATM, I'll take a Unisom. In every case, drugs or no drugs, I have to have MST3K playing in the background or I still can't get to sleep. I don't know if it's the flickering light from the TV, or the warm dulcet tones of Mike and the Bots bantering back and forth, but it always works like a charm. The Jack Frost episode is the best, followed by The Day the Earth Froze and the Magic Voyage of Sinbad. Also Time Chasers is really awesome. Pod People is my favorite episode to watch when not trying to go to sleep.
So anyway, this morning The Husband and I were getting ready to go to work when The Husband realized he'd forgotten to get his Important Paperwork. I waited in the car listening to NPR (Yes, I listen to NPR, fuck you.). And who is the hometown reporter interviewing but MICHAEL J. NELSON from MST3K!!! He's in town!! And performing live!!! And we missed the first performance but they've added a second show!!! I'M SO FUCKING GOING!!!
I called The Husband after I got to work to see if he'd want to go. Tickets are $30. THIRTY DOLLARS he says. Well, we could get the super special reserved seats for $300, and that includes a bottle of champagne and a picture with MIKE NELSON. We don't drink, The Husband reminds me. It's a picture with MIKE NELSON I stress, in case he missed it the first time. You didn't spend $300 to see Duran Duran even though you could, he reminds me. Yeah, I say, but we'll get our picture with MIKE NELSON. So, The Husband opts for the only true action available to him, which is to sigh and say "whatever." So I got three tickets, in case The Brother, who also Bows at the Altar of MIKE NELSON, would want to go. But he didn't so The Mother went instead.
So MIKE NELSON appeared with Shadowbox Cabaret at Easton. They performed a MIKE NELSON original, and at the end of the show he sang a song about me, called Sci Fi Girl, in which he compared my eyes to Agent Scully's which was CRAZY because X-files was like my all-time favorite show when I still had enough disposable income to waste on David Duchovny magazines. As you well know. MIKE NELSON also appeared in other sketches; one of which that he wasn't in was this awesome parody of the Maury Povich show, which is my Favorite Show of All Time, but only when they're doing the paternity test shows or the lie detector shows, because the shows where they have you guess if it's a man or a woman and the ones where the sexy secret crushes are revealed are really boring.
After the show we got a free poster to have autographed by MIKE NELSON, even though we didn't pay the $300 admission, which was awesome. The Mother had hers autographed for The Brother, and The Husband had his autographed for His Co-Worker Who Also Likes MST3K. I was all atwitter. I couldn't think of anything to say. I wanted to tell MIKE NELSON that I loved him, that The Best Friend and I had fantasized on dark stormy nights at K Kollege that we'd drive to Minnesota and apply to be interns with Best Brains, Inc., and they would love us and make us interns and then they'd realize how insane we were with the pop culture knowledge and we'd get writing jobs on the show and then eventually we'd be on TV and it would be the GREATEST JOB EVER. Because we'd be working with Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo and Gypsy, and they're like my imaginary best friends even though they're puppets. Or what about that time I had really incredibly bad food poisoning at school, and I was projectile vomiting, and I thought I was dying, but I didn't have the TV/VCR combo in my room so I couldn't watch my tapes, and in my delirium I called home and told my mom I wanted to watch TV because MST3K always made me feel better and she and my dad came to school to take me to the emergency but I totally never got to watch MST3K? Or how much The Husband hates having to put up with me falling asleep to the Sci Fi Channel years of the show, because when I taped them I would change the channels during the commercials, so it's like getting a view into my twisted psyche but at the same time it's really fucking annoying because you're watching a tape and you still have to suffer through me fucking with the remote?
But now. This is how the exchange went:
Me: Duh, uhh. Ummm, ah *Shoves poster at MIKE NELSON* Can I shake your hand? *Shakes hand (MIKE NELSON'S hand was sweaty with a firm grip)* Uh, I can't think of anything witty to say.
MIKE NELSON *impressed, points at me*: THAT was really good!!!
Me: Duh, uhh, ummm, ah. I wanted to tell you that I have chronic insomnia, and the only thing I can fall asleep to is MST3K.
MIKE NELSON: You're kidding?
Me: No, seriously, I have the 93 Turkey Day on tape, and I have to put it on a loop to play or else I can't get to sleep. Jack Frost is my favorite to fall asleep to.
MIKE NELSON: You've got to be kidding.
Me: No, really. Uhh, umm *shaking like a leaf, walks off*
So that was my meeting with MIKE NELSON. The Mother later said it looked like I'd made his night, and wondered why I just didn't take tea with him considering how long I was up there. The Husband teased me for tearing up. But it's been a long time since I've met anyone famous, ie someone on TV who makes shitloads more than me and whom people recognize on the street. I can't even remember the last famous person I met. Did I meet Nick Hornby? I don't think I did. I'm usually to scared to talk to them.
God, you know I'm totally like that Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley (God Bless Him) where he'd interview famous people and all the questions would be like, "Um, Mr. DeNiro, you remember in that movie TAXI DRIVER, where you were like, 'are you looking at me? are you looking at me?' That was awesome."
Although I did force my way back to meet Warren Zevon (God Bless Him) way back in the day. I was totally in love with this Asshole who was in love with Warren Zevon, so we went to see Zevon and Asshole was totally all over my friend the whole time at the show. And I promised the Asshole that I could get him back to meet Zevon and I did. And then I went to say hi to Zevon and I said, "Mr. Zevon, I've only been a fan of yours for like three months, but I think you're really awesome." And Zevon said, "Three months is a really long time."
And it is.
So it's now Midnight. I'm going to go wash my hand because unfortunately OCD trumps MIKE NELSON every time. I can hear The Husband snoring. So I'm off to bed.
No tapes for me tonight; I'll just replay the real thing in my head.
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