review--LOST

You might be hooked on a tv show when...

You're already hanging out on message boards looking for spoilers, and it's only the second episode.

Or you may be lame. One or the other.

LOST is the new show on ABC Wednesday nights at 8pm. This is the same time as AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL on UPN, and it's causing considerable headaches. Last night I thought, well, I'll tape one while I watch the other, but we don't have cable or TIVO and The Husband was downstairs in the living room "studying" (that's the French word for "napping") so I was shit out of luck and spent the hour flipping back and forth. So apparently LOST is this show about Tyra Banks leading a group of adventurer models and they crash on an island and all they have to survive are bikinis and a makeup artist. Or something like that.

It's actually more about Matthew Fox, the oldest brother on PARTY OF FIVE, and he's a doctor and he may have a drinking problem and his flight crashes on an island way far away from where the plane was supposed to be going. Around 48 people survive the crash and quite a few of them are introduced right up front. Presumably we'll get to meet all of them by the middle of the season.

This is all very soap opera-y, so pay attention...

Matthew Fox is Jack, the aforementioned doctor. Kate is the hottie tough girl whom he will eventually sleep with, just you watch. She was being transported to the US by a Federal Marshal, for what they haven't said. Boone and Shannon are "brother and sister." I put that in quotes because she may have totally been lying. Shannon knows French and is convinced they'll be rescued so she spends a lot of time on her personal grooming. Charlie is the heroin addicted bass player for a faded out rock band who happens to have a small stash on him. Hurley is the amiable fat guy. Michael is there with his son, Walt, whom he hasn't seen in a long time. Walt's mother just died. Walt has just been befriended by totally insane crazy person Locke. How crazy we just don't know. Sawyer is also totally crazy; he's a chain-smoker, so we know he's going to come in handy. Sayid used to be in the Iraqi Republican Guard, but he seems really cool. Jin and Sun are Korean and appear to speak no English and have totally separated themselves from everyone else. I think he may be her pimp; they just have a really weird relationship where he won't let her talk to anyone and he's always yelling at her. But I could be wrong. And then Claire's young and 8 months pregnant and she totally shouldn't have been flying. I expect she's totally going to die in childbirth. There are also some others orbiting around these guys, like an older woman who was sitting next to Jack on the plane, and the Federal Marshal. He's got a big piece of plane in his gut, though, so he's not going to be around much longer.

So why is this show so awesome? Well, first of all it springs forth from the mind of JJ Abrams, who is the creative genius behind ALIAS. And I think you know the love/hate relationship I have with that show. Like ALIAS, the first episode of LOST was kind of lame, picking up considerably when the giant monster chewed up the pilot and spit him out into a tree.
Giant monster, you ask? That's the second reason this show is so awesome, GIANT PEOPLE EATING MONSTER. No one's actually seen it yet, it's just been running around in the forest knocking over trees and making noise and eating pilots. Does it have a preference for people? Who knows? There are other animals on the island you'd think would be good food for a giant monster. Like the polar bears.

Polar bears, you ask? Hmm, yeah, that's reason number three. In the second episode Sawyer kills a polar bear. What's a polar bear doing on a tropical island? If they can get to the French lady, she might know.

French lady, you ask? Apparently, there's some French lady somewhere on the island. Sayid picks up a transmission with the plane's radio, where the French lady talks about "everyone being dead," and she being "the only one left," and "the big thing ate them all." And that's when all the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. And then there was the disembodied male voice counting during the transmission. Sayid theorized it was the number of times the French lady's message had looped, meaning that the distress call was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!!

That's kind of when I almost peed my pants.

I shouldn't really be giving a review of this because it's only two episodes old, but I'm excited that there's a fairly interesting show on the air that's mysterious and thought-provoking and speculative as X-FILES was for me. It may end up totally sucking ass. People on the boards are coming up with all these theories about how this is all in Jack's mind, that these are all people he's killed practicing as a doctor; that they're in the Bermuda Triangle (even though that's on the other side of the planet from where they are) or Eden or Limbo; that there's no monster, the polar bear was a mutated dog, they're on a secret military research base. It's fun to guess.
Ain't It Cool News has an interview with the other LOST guy, Damon Lindelof, and he basically says a lot of the inspiration for the show came from Stephen King's THE STAND, which kicks ass.
....I totally just spaced out on the message boards. Someone was mentioning that JJ Abrams is addicted to the number 47 (like Chris Carter was addicted to 1013 and 1121) and that 48 could mean that SOMEONE ON THE ISLAND IS ACTUALLY SATAN!!!! Which kicks ass.

Maybe I'll post an update after a) I've spent at least four or five days reading message boards about the show or b) the show starts to piss me the hell off. But check it out, if you're not too engrossed in AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.

PS I must apologize for how scattered this post was. I seriously am reading message boards while writing this. Multi-tasking is my thing!!!

review--SHAUN OF THE DEAD

Let me begin by saying that SHAUN OF THE DEAD is the greatest movie ever made. Then I would like to continue by saying it's at least the greatest movie I've seen all year. And in conclusion, SHAUN OF THE DEAD IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Here's why...

1) IT'S FUNNY AS HELL...
I haven't laughed this much during a movie in I don't know how long.

2) BUT IT'S ALSO SAD, TOO.
I admit, I teared up a bit. And yeah, I tend to do that during Geico commericals, but seriously this pulls at the heart-strings.

3) LOTS OF FUN, QUOTABLE LINES...
"Can I get any of you cunts a drink?"
"YO, NIGGAZ!!!"

4) AND LOTS OF GEEKALICIOUS IN-JOKES AND REFERENCES.
Yes, that would be Romero and Argento favorite Goblin providing the soundtrack. Also look out for subtle shoutouts to Dawn of the Dead, Empire Strikes Back, Evil Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Clockwork Orange and 28 Days Later.

5) GREATEST USE OF QUEEN ON A SOUNDTRACK EVER, INCLUDING HIGHLANDER, ALTHOUGH WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER IS AN AWESOME SONG AND THEIR COVER OF NEW YORK, NEW YORK WAS KICK ASS...OKAY, IT'S NOT THE GREATEST USE OF QUEEN ON A SOUNDTRACK BUT IT COMES CLOSE...
You're my best friend.

6) ALSO I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S THE DURAN DURAN COVER OF WHITE LINES THEY'RE SINGING IN THE FILM.
New album, October 12th!!! Have you preordered yours? I HAVE.

7) SHAUN IS A HOTTIE...

8) AND HE'S AN AWESOME ZOMBIE ASSKICKER.
And seeing as how they showed the new Blade trailer before the movie, I know of which I speak.

9) THIS FILM IS AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF WHAT A ZOMBIE INVASION WOULD BE LIKE AND HOW YOU WOULD RESPOND TO IT BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY KNOW YOU'D GO RESCUE YOUR MOM AND WANT TO HIDE OUT WHERE THE BOOZE IS...

10) AND IT'S AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF HOW MUCH LIFE WITHOUT A ZOMBIE INFESTATION IS LAME AND BORING AND DRUDGERY AND AREN'T WE ALL JUST ZOMBIES ANYWAY?

11) THIS FILM CONFIRMS FOR ME MY TWO "GREAT HYPOTHESES"...VIDEO GAMES ARE A NECESSARY EVIL BECAUSE WHO ELSE WILL SAVE YOU FROM ZOMBIE HORDES BUT THE GAMERS WHO FIGHT THEM ONLINE EVERYDAY FOR HOURS ON END...

12) AND ONLY THE SMOKERS WILL SURVIVE, BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT THE LIGHTERS.

13) THIS FILM IS INCREDIBLY SMART AND WELL-WRITTEN AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE MOVIE I MADE, IF I EVER GOT OFF MY ASS AND MADE A MOVIE AFTER MY CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED AND FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL FLUSH POINT...

14) AND IT'S NOT AT ALL THAT GORY, BECAUSE I TOTALLY WATCHED IT WITH MY EYES OPEN THE WHOLE TIME.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD is about Shaun, a 29-year-old assistant retail manager at an appliance store who shares an apartment with his overachieving schoolmate Pete and his slacker best friend Ed. Pete wants to kick Ed out because he's a slob and doesn't pay rent. Shaun's girlfriend broke up with him because he's not going anywhere in life. His stepdad thinks he's a loser who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself. His co-workers laugh at him to his face. Oh, and zombies are roaming Great Britain.

This movie is just all sorts of kick ass. I can't talk enough about how great it is. The tag line calls it a "romantic comedy with zombies," and I think that's the perfect description. Instead of being trapped on an island or having warring bookstores or being the president's daughter, this movie happens to have zombies.

But the characters come first. So much attention has been given to everyone that they are all fully fleshed out and you come to care about every single one of them, which is a feat considering how many there are. This is also a testament to the tremendous acting abilities of the cast. Many of them worked together previously on a British show called Spaced, so they have a long and established camaraderie that shines on screen. The friendship between Shaun and his best friend Ed is wonderful to watch.

I think the best thing about this film, though, is that it really speaks to me as a 32-year-old gamer/geek/graduate student/couch potato. I recognized a lot of myself and my friends in this movie. You know how special 16 Candles/Dirty Dancing/Ferris Bueller/Breakfast Club/Pretty in Pink was to you when you were a teen? This movie perfectly recreates that feeling, only now you're in your thirties and you're still a big loser. It's the John Hughes movie of your pre-midlife crisis. And that rocks.

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE see SHAUN OF THE DEAD fifty million times. Tell Hollywood we want kick ass shit like this!!!! And just support it so these guys will be able to make more stuff. But now that I think about it, DON'T DO ANY OF THAT, because then these guys will be our little secret and it will take forever before they're discovered and then when they're finally popular we can snub our noses at all the losers who didn't see how awesome they were way back when, and we can also hate them for destroying our special secret relationship.

NEXT WEEK--I have no idea. Maybe the Forgotten? I Heart Huckabees? Don't count on Ladder 49, I hated that movie back when it was Backdraft. By the way, I came up with a GREAT porno title about firemen called LAID 'ER 69. Isn't that awesome? Maybe that should be the next movie I make. Got to pay my dues and all.

review--SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

Computers are supposed to kick ass. And by kick ass I mean make life easier by taking care of multiple complicated tasks that we busy humans can no longer be bothered with, like math and going out to buy porn. Computers are not supposed to suck; they are so smart, they should be able to take care of themselves with little or no help. But unfortunately they can't and that is why we have to have IT guys.

Computers are like cars: they kick ass and I totally wish I knew more about them than I do. I can drive; I can surf the internet. When I want more oil I have to go to a mechanic. When I want wireless for my fifty-year-old hand-me-down iMac, I have to ask The Husband over and over, "What's an AirCard? What's an AirCard? Can I use my computer at the coffee shop? HUH?" And it means I spend more time at www.microcenter.com looking at book bags than reading about networking solutions.

Can you read this: *@&@&$%^!@)&)(*@(&# #^(#&(!& # ^#(&^!@O& @(%#%*^ @(&#(& #(&? That was a very complicated dissertation on networking solutions. It makes no sense to me, either. I hate being computer illiterate. Computers suck ass.

And I thought I would never say this, but computers were the problem with SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.

SKY CAPTAIN involves giant robots sent to get power converters so that an evil genius can build a space ark and blow up the planet. Our intrepid heroes, Polly Prissypants and Indiana Jones try to stop him. In their quest they go to Hoth, Dagoba, and The Temple of Doom. Stuff happens, and some more stuff, and probably some more stuff but it's all in soft focus so you can barely see it. The very last scene is shitty and stupid. THE END.

The GIMMICK of this film (used to entice losers like me into spending the full price to see the movie) is that there are no sets. Everything except the actors and some props are computer generated. If you'll recall, a few years ago Lucas tried this same GIMMICK with a little piece of poop called THE PHANTOM MENACE. People were ready to tar, feather, draw, and quarter him for that film and yet someone saw fit to greenlight this one, presumably because Giovanni Ribisi is more charming than Jar-Jar.

There is also an INSPIRATIONAL TALE OF PLUCKY DETERMINATION AND ARTISTIC VISION connected with this movie. Kerry Conran, the guy who wrote and directed the movie, spent FOUR YEARS toiling on his computer to come up with SIX MINUTES of film to show studio execs. FOUR YEARS. Now, one must ask oneself, how much of those four years on the computer were spent using Word. I would guess one week. "Character Development" seems to have meant more VISUALLY than anything else, because everyone is pretty much reduced to less than a stereotype.

I'm being pretty harsh. But seriously, most of the movie is spent watching Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow yell at each other in an airplane. The Husband and I just rented a movie from the library--get it at your own peril--called SLIPSTREAM, and it starred (get this) Mark Hamill, Bill Paxton, F. Murray Abraham and Ben Kingsley. And Abraham and Kingsley had ALREADY WON their Oscars/nominations before they agreed to star in this piece of crap. Anyway, most of the beginning of the movie involves four people in two planes yelling back and forth over seats to one another. Not the most conducive situation for dramatic anything. And yet SKY CAPTAIN does the same thing.

Yeah, people will tell you it's something to look at. But seriously, the cool shit is pretty much over about a quarter of the way into the movie, because then everyone goes to Hoth and there are no more robots. And it made me long for the day when they used to do shit like this by hand, you know, like CLASH OF THE TITANS, like you could totally tell it was a clay monster.

I sound like I should start regaling you with tales about how far I had to walk to school without shoes. In the snow. "We lived in a shoebox in the middle of the road, and our father would wake us up a hour before we went to bed so we could get out and lick the road clean." Yeah, movies used to be so much better. But seriously, what happened to giving a crap about the STORY? And more importantly, why do I keep supporting this crap with my hard-earned money? When did I become a sheep?

Seriously, I need to become more adept at playing video games, because I think I could get my dead zombie quota from DOOM 3 better than the crap I've been watching at the movies. I AM A SLAVE TO THINGS BLOWING UP!!!! ARGH!!!

Next week: SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

Shut up.

review--RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE

I think I'm getting old. Shit blowing up just isn't doing it for me like it once did. I think, though, that it's more the fault of RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE than any real problem with me. This movie has bad SciFi Channel Piece of Crap Starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty written all over it.

Oh, wait, that movie's been made already. It was called ROUTE 666.

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE wasn't all that bad. I mean, it was free, because The Husband and I had a gift card. And it had Hottie Arab Guy from THE MUMMY in it. And Milla Jovovich is naked (seriously, she's like ALL NIPPLES). There was some advancement of story. And every once in a great while something blew up. But other than that...

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE picks up where the first movie left off and veers futher into video game territory than the last. Jovovich returns as Alice, the chick who worked for the Umbrella Corporation. She's just woken up from some sort of experiment to find most of Raccoon City on fire and deserted. So she does what any sensible young lady would: she gets a kick ass outfit and some badass guns and goes off in search of some mayhem.

Meanwhile, we meet Jill Valentine, an actual character from the game, and in a move of casting brilliance the chick who plays her, Sienna Guillory, totally looks like a video game character. She has the walk down and everything. But how one busts some caps in some ass wearing a bustier is beyond me. Anyway, Jill is a Disgraced Cop with an Attitude, and she's of course the only one who for some bizarre reason knows that the city is being overrun with zombies. That doesn't prevent her and her Expendable Black Cop Buddy from getting trapped in quarantine with the rest of Raccoon City's inhabitants.

So Alice rescues Jill and the ragtag band of Zombie Chow that's been trapped with her, and together they go off in search of the daughter of an Umbrella scientist who was also trapped in quarantine. And then some stuff happens, and zombies, and more stuff, and then SEQUEL!!!
For some strange reason I'm very excited at the prospect of a sequel. I think it's why I'm so into the games: there's just enough of a story to keep me interested and coming back. And also there's the added bonus that I don't need to do any button mashing to enjoy it. Both hands are left happily free to eat shitloads of popcorn and Sour Patch Kids. And for a free movie, it's seriously not that bad. There are some funny moments featuring The Streetwise Smartmouth Black Guy Who In Any Other Movie Would Die Fifteen Minutes In But Actually Rises to the Occasion and Proves Himself to be Really Awesome and Indispensable.

BUT...this is supposed to be a ZOMBIE movie. This was not supposed to be a Michael Jackson video. Alas, this film is more like "If Michael Jackson was a Badass" (no pun...oh, fuck it, you know I totally meant to say that). Imagine the Thriller video with guns. And some CGI dogs. And Milla Jovovich's nipples. And also REALLY SHITTY CAMERA WORK.

Ahem....Mr. Director, Alexander Witt. TAKE THE GODDAMN FILTER OFF THE CAMERA AND HOLD THE FUCKER STEADY AND LET ME SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!! ARGH!!!! I know you probably had a really small and shitty budget, and wanted to blow it on Slipknot on the soundtrack rather than special effects, but COME ON!!! Seriously, any time anyone undead even instinctually moved in front of the camera (I was going to say "thought about walking on camera," but they're undead so they can't think...and, um, it's just a movie) the camera goes all fuzzy and starts swinging around like it's held by a five year old.

Okay, so I guess this wasn't all that good. I mean, there are other things wrong with it, like why if you're being attacked by zombies you and your buddies take a shortcut through a graveyard. Although they probably thought they were safe considering the virus that reanimates people CAN'T GET TO PEOPLE BURIED UNDERGROUND!!! ARGH!!! And how did the main evil huge ass zombie become a master of kung fu? HUH?!?!?

But I am still excited for the sequel, in part because, well...I'm here for you. I'll take one for the team, so you can have your zombie ass kicking without having to actually suffer through it.
Plus I really want to find out what happens.

In the meantime, salivate over this, the KING OF UNDEAD ASS KICKING!!!! December can't get here fast enough.

Wesley Snipes, I love you.

****Stay tuned for a review of SKYY VODKA CAPTAIN KANGAROO AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW TODAY SHOW WITH MATT LAUER AND KATIE COURIC.****

review--THE TRAILER FOR WHITE NOISE

No, not the adaptation of the book by Don Delillo, even though that is supposedly in the process of casting AS WE SPEAK. This WHITE NOISE stars Michael "Hi, where the hell have you been?" Keaton as a dude who loses his wife and then tries to contact her from beyond the grave, which anyone who's ever seen a movie will know is A Bad Idea.

Anyway, I stumbled upon the trailer while trying to find out what's playing at the dollar theater. Yahoo is currently without local theater listings. But I downloaded the trailer, which you can find here.

Let me begin by saying that I totally believe in communicating with the dead. Still don't know what my thoughts are about Life After Death and Getting into Heaven and Jeezus, Don't Cremate Your Body or You'll Have Nothing to Use When the Rapture Happens. Actually, I totally believe in the Rapture, but not a crazy We Need To Blow Up Arabs to Bring It About Rapture; more like a Hey, Remember How David Duchovny was Naked in that Movie About the Rapture Rapture. If David Duchovny is naked, I will believe. I WANT to believe. Anyway, I actually totally believe in the Rapture. That kind of stuff freaks my shit out. I totally believe you can be possessed if you use a Ouija board by yourself. I totally believe you'll see Bloody Mary if you say her name 13 times into a darkened mirror. I totally believe in ghosts, and exorcisms, and space aliens, and mom and apple pie. AND I almost have my Master's degree.

(Here's a story: When I was younger, my grandmother had a first edition hardcover copy of The Amityville Horror. I read that book fifty times, and it made me cry with fear EVERY SINGLE TIME. I still have that book and I know without a doubt that I would cry if I were to read it today. Anyway, there's this part in the story where the patriarch of the clan residing in the Amityville Horror House, George Lutz, does some research at his local public library on demons and demonology. Excited by his findings he calls the priest who's been helping his family.

"Father," he says, "I've been doing research at the local public library on demons and demonology, and I think I know which demon has been terrorizing us!!! Its name is bloobloobloobloo!!!"

"Damnit, George!!!" the priest screams into the phone, "Whatever you do, don't say its name!!! If you say a demon's name three times you will call it forth!!!"

So, of course, seeing as how I'd read the book fifty times, and the book totally printed the actual demon's name rather than bloobloobloobloo, I was convinced that I had inadvertently called the demon up by reading its name more than once, sometimes many times in a single sitting, because seriously when you're confronted with a word like bloobloobloobloo and its staring you in the face goading you into trying to pronouce it you tend to read it over and over even though you really don't want to. This led to many sleepless nights, I assure you. In fact, I may not sleep tonight as bloobloobloobloo may actually be a demon's name and I just don't know it. And I've already typed it four times. You can see now how the craziness happens.)

Getting back to this INCREDIBLY EFFECTIVE TRAILER, I totally believe you can hear ghosts on audio tapes. There was an episode of Sightings a while ago that had this woman who'd go into haunted houses and graveyards and talk to the ghosts while her tape recorder was going and when she played it back you could hear voices answering her questions. Then there was this guy who for some reason hooked his video camera up in such a way that it was pointed at a tv and recording the blank image, essentially recording a recording of the recorder recording recording itself. So there were infinite tv screens. Or something like that. But anyway when he played back his tape there were pictures of people on the tape, snapshots of smiling people, and ONE OF THEM WAS HIS DEAD DAUGHTER!!!!

This movie is apparently based on these types of experiences, which are being actively investigated by LEGITIMATE SCIENTISTS. Hopefully the movie doesn't suck, because the trailer is awesome and totally scared the shit out of me. I almost peed my pants. I think all the hair on the back of my neck is still standing up.

That's basically it--all I wanted to say was THIS TRAILER KICKS ASS. Hopefully I will soon haul my ass to Resident Evil: Apocalypse and I can post a review for you that will satiate your craving for mutated zombie ass-kicking that occurs to a driving rap-rock soundtrack.