THE INTERNET'S NOT FUN ANYMORE

I need to give up on the internet.

It used to be awesome. You'd go to a website, find a bunch of people who all shared your interests and sense of humor, and then you'd have a rollicking good time. But lately it seems like the internet's raison d'etre is to be a place there one goes to

* make fun of people who disagree with you by calling them "fat"
* make fun of people who disagree with you by calling them "douche"
* become hyper-critical of things that in the past wouldn't bother you in the least
* become hyper-critical of things that you've always been critical of, but now you end your critiques with the words "you douche"

It's just so vitriolic. Take for example the forums at Television Without Pity. Yeah, I know, but I used to be a regular back in the early days of HOUSE, when there'd be lots of fun made in between the insightful cultural and scholarly critiques. I admit, I haven't visited them in ages, because I haven't been watching anything I wanted to discuss online with anybody. But then I became addicted to SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. I've been reading spoilers for the show here where someone who attended a taping mentioned that a particularly hated contestant admitted to having an "Asian alter ego."

The boards EXPLODED with rage. How could the producers of the show allow such racist content? How dare she stereotype all Asians as sexy! How ignorant that she doesn't understand that "Asian" doesn't apply to just East Asians! What could she be thinking? Never mind that all the dancers who adopt a "ghetto" "blackalicious" hip hop style are celebrated for being able to adapt their styles with such ease. Because this one contestant sucks ass as a dancer (in their opinion) and has caused other, more deserving dancers to be booted on the show while she is receiving obvious preferential treatment from the show. Which is a whole 'nother discussion (argument) altogether.

And it goes on and on and on. The more you disagree, the wronger you are. I want so badly to go in there and say, I love all things "Asian." I'm especially fond of anything Japanese. All I know about Japan I learned from watching AKIRA, but I love Japanese food. Japanese women are so hot. Japanese guys are so hot. They're all so cool, in their city from the future, with its tentacle sex and ghosts made of long black hair and gigantic neon billboards and its vending machines that dispense whatever your heart desires. I love the ethereal mountains in a haze of fog, hiding houses made with delicate paper walls. I WANT SO BAD TO LIVE IN TOKYO.

And according to the boards on TWoP, that makes me a racist.

So I keep reading, my eyes bleeding; my brain begs me to stop, but it's a train wreck of pomposity and rancor and I can't stop looking. Surely, I think, it's not really as bad as it seems, and yet it goes on for page after page. There's no civility: you may couch it in the long, flowery words of aristocrats, but you're still being an ass.

Or a douche.

It's exactly like Ghostbusters 2: the one where the pink slime oozes under the city, feeding off of the inhabitants' ill will. This shit breeds more shit. They're not even talking about me or to me and it raises my hackles.

AND IT'S LIKE THIS EVERYWHERE. Go to any board, anywhere. You can't comment that the sky is particularity blue today without someone telling you YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT YOU FAT FUCKER YOU PROBABLY SUCK MICHAEL MOORE'S COCK PLUS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT A PROPER PASO DOBLE LOOKED LIKE IF IT RAMMED YOU IN THE ASS. YOU DOUCHE.

Why is everyone so on edge, and angry, and mean? I hate to sound cliché, but why can't we all just get along? What the hell has happened to us? That suddenly, no matter how ignorant we are of something, we're obviously right and everybody else is wrong?

And why douche? You know how partial I am to fucktard.

The Evils of YouTube: or, Don't Click On That Link, No Matter How Enticing

So I watched this "Colossus" clip (never saw the movie, although now I'm going to have to hunt it down) and it totally reminded me of "Demon Seed", which scared the living beejeezus out of me when I was younger.



So just for shiats and giggles I go poking around and find the "Demon Seed" trailer on YouTube. Huh, whaddya know? Still scares the beejeezus out of me. Over in the "related" section there's a link to "'Xtro' belly expansion"...never saw that movie, either; sounds like another potentially funny/creepy 70s horror movie so I click on the link and

HOLY CRAP.

Now I know why I never saw that movie.

What is it with horror movies about women giving birth to mutant alien werewolf creature mutants? Huh? Childbirth's traumatizing enough as it is without having people putting into my mind the idea that my husband's actually a satanic mutant alien and my unborn fetus could literally be a parasite and also a mutant demon spawn that could after a ten minute incubation potentially claw its way from my womb and then wreck havoc amongst the plain and simple townfolk of my city.

Thanks for the nightmares, YouTube! I'm off to call my therapist.

Things popping out of people!!!

DUST FROM A DISTANT SUN

It means a trip to The State Up North, but The Husband can pretend it's a fact-finding mission or something. The tickets have been purchased after an hour-long fight with the presale site. I could've had row H, right up front, but for some reason they wouldn't load in the cart, and even adding an account under The Husband's login couldn't resurrect them from the ether. Instead I got the front row of the balcony. No one in front of us, and we can sit through the whole thing if we choose to.

Hey, we're fat and I'm lazy. Sue me.

So, yeah, Crowded House. Broke up, drummer killed himself, no hope in the world, then they get back together.

Desperate for money, or a tickling whisper in the ear from God? After all, the losing streak I was on--Toad the Wet Sprocket, Crowded House...there are others that escape me at the moment, and no, Duran Duran doesn't count because they've always been putting out albums--every band I've ever loved broke up. And now they're all getting back together!!!

Since I'm an atheist, I'll go with Door #1.

Just in case you're wondering, my Second All-Time Favoriteist Band In All The World After Duran Duran is probably best know for the following:




However, I'm totally obsessed with the song below at the moment. It's the live version so you can pretend you're at the show with us.

When I'm in the shower imagining what I would sing during the Final Two show of American Idol I'm performing on (being the favorite to win, of course), this is the song I pick as my free choice, because it's awesome and bombastic in all the right places and could (if arranged correctly) involve an orchestral accompaniment and possibly a choir. I would SO WIN.



Paul Hester, RIP

I'M CRAZY, BUT YOU KNEW THAT

I have a problem. It's pretty serious.

See, I have a tendency to anthropomorphize things and become attached to them in an unhealthy way. The Husband teases me about it occasionally.

I have become attached to KelmeisterMobile 2.0. Even though the car is a total piece of shit; even though we spent almost $2000 at the beginning of the year trying to make it drivable and it's only worth $1200.

After I left the bank and got my CD and my fries, I drove back to work. My parking space was still free, which was a miracle of Biblical proportions. But as I gathered my stuff and locked the car, I realized this would be the last time I drove 2.0 to work. The last time I'd park it in the lot.

It made me sad.

Even though 2.0 is a piece of shit, it got The Husband and me to New York and back without any problems. We did alright to Nashville, although it did break down as we were preparing to head home. It never left us stranded. It always seemed to perk up when we got it an oil change or got it washed.

And what do we do in return? We give up on it. We would never have enough money to totally fix it to the point that'd it run like a top, and getting a new car was inevitable because of that. But I still feel guilty.

And that's fucking stupid, because it's a goddamned car.

It's unhealthy to become attached to things. This is how you end up with four hundred cats, or two boxes of X-FILES magazines in the basement.

I'll get over it. Especially after The Husband and I get to work cleaning the damned thing out tonight. God, what a pit. NO FOOD OR DRINK IN THE NEW CAR. AND EVERYONE MUST TAKE OFF THEIR SHOES WHEN THEY ENTER.

By the way, YEAR ZERO is all sorts of awesome.

See, I feel better already.

Nope, wait, there's a tear.

LAME!!!

CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S A CAR!!

The KelmeisterMobile 3.0, our new baby, is ready. Fresh from the beautiful island of Japan.



I'm off to sign the paperwork and we can pick it up tomorrow morning.

On my way back to work, I'm getting some Micky D's and I'm stopping to get Nine Inch Nails' YEAR ZERO on CD to christen the car.

Nothing like an album about the totalitarian-led downfall of society to brighten the glow of buying an insanely overpriced consumer product, I always say!!

Watch this and imagine you're driving with me.

BOY, AM I LAME

Did I ever tell you about the time I saw JURASSIC PARK for the first time in a movie theater? It was the weekend it came out. I just happened to be in DC with The San Francisco Friend visiting her brother. We went to see it for shits and giggles.

I cried through the whole thing.

Fuck, it was DINOSAURS!!! FOR REALS!!! Up on the screen, interacting with Jeff Goldblum! DINOSAURS WERE REAL!!! And I totally wanted one, because they were wicked cute and looked like they'd make great pets.

It's been a while since I was so amazed by something going from being in my imagination to up on the movie screen and appearing like it was real. Like it could walk by my house while I was sitting at home with The Husband, listening to him complain about my unholy and unnatural fixation with JUDGE JUDY.

So it may come as no surprise to you that as I watched the new exclusive Yahoo trailer for TRANSFORMERS that I actually cried. Okay, cried is probably overstating it a bit, but I shed a few tears. Because HOLY SHIT CARS CAN FUCKING TURN INTO ROBOTS, and when they do the FUCKING KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ONE ANOTHER.

And TEENAGERS DISCOVER THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE (AND IT MEANS WAITING TO HAVE SEX UNTIL AFTER MARRIAGE) and GOVERNMENTS DISCOVER THAT WAR IS NOT ALWAYS THE ANSWER (UNLESS YOUR POPULATIONS ARE HAVING THEIR ASSES HANDED TO THEM BY OUTER SPACE ROBOTS) and SONS AND FATHERS LEARN THEY'RE A LOT MORE ALIKE THAN THEY PROBABLY REALIZED (AND THAT INCLUDES A LOVE OF PORN AND CARS).

So TRANSFORMERS looks to be the feel-good sleeper hit of the summer. All it needs is Jane Fonda turning into a giant robot and kicking the crap out of Lindsay Lohan and then telling her to use condoms and stop drinking so much. That'd be awesome.


ETA: I just watched it again, because as previously stated, I am lame. And sure enough, when Optimus gets into his Keanu-Reeves-MATRIX-fighting-stance, the tears started spilling.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it because I got my period today?

OH, THE VAPORS!

Variety (via Dark Horizons) is reporting that Hugh Laurie is joining the cast of the new James Ellroy flick, already set to star Keanu Reeves.

Holy shit, my loins are sure to explode!!!

HAVE YOU EVER FIRED GUNS WHILST JUMPING THROUGH THE AIR AND YELLING "AHHH?"

HOLY SHIT.

HOT FUZZ is literally, seriously, like the greatest movie ever made. And it features what is literally, seriously, like the greatest on-screen death ever filmed.

Simon Pegg is my new imaginary boyfriend, like you didn't already guess that was coming.



Looks kinda like The Husband here, hahahaha.

When I'm reincarnated, I'm totally coming back as Simon Pegg, because he's a total badass in ways I cannot be.

Also, we saw the preview for BALLS OF FURY. This movie, the brain child of Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon from RENO 911, gave me a hard-on. First it caused me to spontaneously grow a penis from my vagina, and then my new penis became engorged with hot throbbing passionate love for this movie. Literally, seriously, like that's how good this trailer is.



Okay, not literally. But I think you know what I mean.

NOW YOU'RE A MAN, A MANNY MAN MWHAN

Rickey.org linked to this site, which is the GENDER GENIE, an algorithm that supposedly can detect the gender of a writer based on frequently recurring words.

I pasted a few of my blog entries into the machine, and guess what?

I'M A MAN, BAY-BEE!!!

It's the generous sprinkling of "fuck," I just know it.

HOLY CRAP, YOU SCARED THE PEE OUT OF ME, TRENT REZNOR

I don't know if you've heard about this, but the new Nine Inch Nails album is this big ass Magnum Opus concept album that they've been promoting online for a while now, with a crazy ass Alternate Reality Game involving websites and coded t-shirts and flash drives left in dirty European bathrooms. The album is called Year Zero, and the story is something like this:

Year Zero is 2022. The world has become a zombified, dystopian wasteland. The US government in the year 2007 introducted a drug into the water supply called Parepin, a broad-spectrum antibiotic/antiviral as a preventative measure against terrorist biological attack. Some folks don't like this idea: people who stop using the drug find their minds clearing, and set up resistance against the government and use of the drug. The government claims this clarity is nothing but paranoia.

However, it seems the paranoia is suffered by those drinking the water: there are mass reports of a phenomenon the public begins to refer to as "The Presence," a gigantic hand-like specter that is repeatedly seen reaching down from the sky. Is it literally the hand of God? Churches spring up to worship The Presence. Corps of military enlisted dedicate themselves to the Evangelical mission. Does this all precede the ultimate showdown between Good and Evil? Or is this all nothing more than a fever dream in the collective subconsicous of a bunch of addicts?

It all started with a t-shirt: highlighted letters amongst the tour dates on the back led to I Am Trying To Believe. And it all ends

here.