So, I've been away for a while. I've been meaning to put something up...I actually get around to writing something and my computer dies, or something comes up, or I hate what I wrote. I know you don't give a shit, Gentle Reader, but hey, suck it up and deal.
1) I liked ELEKTRA okay. It wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it was okay.
2) LEMONY SNICKET kicks all sorts of ass. It was way better than I expected.
3) HOUSE, M.D. is all sorts of awesome. Hugh Laurie is my new Imaginary Boyfriend. Being in an Imaginary British Sandwich with him and Imaginary Boyfriend Simon Cowell would be awesome.
4) BTW, Paul Rudd is my new Imaginary Best Friend With Possibilities.
5) I'm just coming to realize I haven't seen very many movies in the theaters. I will be seeing CONSTANTINE, I swear. Keanu Reeves is, after all, my Imaginary Sexual Plaything.
6) I did see the documentary SPELLBOUND on DVD, about the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It was as depressing as you would expect, watching over 200 12-year-olds spell words you've never heard of. The Husband and I broke out the dictionary and tried to follow along. There was an awesome word which was the medical term for the subcutaneous bleeding that causes bruises, but I forgot what it was.
7) I MISSED THE ABC DOCUMENTARY ON UFOS!!!! I hate myself.
8) Remember, kiddies, Lent doesn't last forever. Get your awesome Wendy's Fish Sandwich while you can.
9) I restarted therapy and it's all sorts of awesome. I'm taking mega-amounts of Prozac, and I feel like a million bucks, thanks for asking. I have begun eating mayo again, because I've somehow overcome my fear of it, and I actually ate a plate of spaghetti which had meat sauce on it (even though I picked the meat out). Many of you will not appreciate the significance of this breakthrough, but suffice it to say, I have OCD which has caused many very strange habits/fears/beliefs/actions/non-actions and it's amazing to be able to watch a news program on the Asian Bird Flu and have only two thoughts:
a) I don't have it nor do I think I do, and
b) Why aren't they talking about the Michael Jackson trial?
Normally I would spend my day at the computer, trolling the net for the latest information on signs and symptoms of Asian Bird Flu, so that I could be assured I don't have it and also that I would know what to look for in case I had it. It was this sort of thing that led me to become a vegetarian: obsessive fear of Mad Cow Disease. While I doubt I will be chowing down on a Big Mac any time in the near future, it's nice that my afternoons are now anxiety-free for other pursuits, namely trolling the web for naked pictures of Hugh Laurie. Not that I do that sort of thing. Because I don't. Except that I totally do.
10) Before you see CURSED, check out GINGER SNAPS. Though I haven't seen CURSED yet, although I might go and see it, I think I can safely say at this point in time that GINGER SNAPS is a billion times better.
11) It's sad when you've reached that time of the day when you've checked out all your web sites at least fifty times, and they haven't updated, and you've run out of things to read. Hence why I do this now. The Internets should spontaneously update when I mentally command them to.
I guess I should get back to work.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
tidbits--MY AWESOME DREAM LAST NIGHT
I know I've been promising movie reviews, but I've been sick and busy. Alternately and at the same time. But the dream I had last night was awesome and I want to share.
I had this weird dream that Robert De Niro was in love with me, but my Japanese parents disapproved. By the way, I am not Japanese.
It was really weird because in my dream I was having this really bad day...all these horrible things were happening to me: the restaurant messed up my order, I got someone's drink dumped on me, I'd had a fight with my real life parents. I had a female relative that was younger than my deceased grandmother but older than my mom, and this new relative had Alzheimer's and she was very violent towards me and I was tired of dealing with it. So I left to go get a coffee, and I couldn't find one anywhere, no one had the drink I wanted, per my day. So I was really upset, and Robert De Niro saw me and took pity on me and took me to his apartment where he did ink paintings and had lots of hanging beads instead of doors, and a great view, and he wanted to have sex but I felt I couldn't because of The Husband. And then all of a sudden I had Japanese parents who didn't like De Niro because he had served in WW2 and they felt he mocked their culture. With his ink paintings and hanging beads, I guess. They wanted me to come with them, but I wanted to be with De Niro because he was the only person who'd shown compassion and concern for me on my bad day. So I ran back to his apartment and I was wearing a geisha dress and those awesome Japanese flip-flop shoes but with socks, and there were women who were praising my ethnic authenticity.
De Niro is very well endowed, by the way, at least in my subconscious.
I had this weird dream that Robert De Niro was in love with me, but my Japanese parents disapproved. By the way, I am not Japanese.
It was really weird because in my dream I was having this really bad day...all these horrible things were happening to me: the restaurant messed up my order, I got someone's drink dumped on me, I'd had a fight with my real life parents. I had a female relative that was younger than my deceased grandmother but older than my mom, and this new relative had Alzheimer's and she was very violent towards me and I was tired of dealing with it. So I left to go get a coffee, and I couldn't find one anywhere, no one had the drink I wanted, per my day. So I was really upset, and Robert De Niro saw me and took pity on me and took me to his apartment where he did ink paintings and had lots of hanging beads instead of doors, and a great view, and he wanted to have sex but I felt I couldn't because of The Husband. And then all of a sudden I had Japanese parents who didn't like De Niro because he had served in WW2 and they felt he mocked their culture. With his ink paintings and hanging beads, I guess. They wanted me to come with them, but I wanted to be with De Niro because he was the only person who'd shown compassion and concern for me on my bad day. So I ran back to his apartment and I was wearing a geisha dress and those awesome Japanese flip-flop shoes but with socks, and there were women who were praising my ethnic authenticity.
De Niro is very well endowed, by the way, at least in my subconscious.
Monday, January 10, 2005
review--THE ACTUAL WHITE NOISE MOVIE
SPOILERS!!!
Once upon a time, The Mother used to listen to Art Bell on the radio, really late at night. The next day, she'd call me at work and recount the previous night's show, and then I would further explain to her the intricacies of Ufology and crystal healing and Black Helicopters and the HAARP Project. Because I'm down with all that craziness.
So anyway, on one show he featured this story (now confirmed to be a hoax) about these Siberian oil drillers who drilled into the earth and punched into a pocket and they stuck a microphone into the hole thinking they'd hear tectonic plate movements and instead they heard THE VOICES OF HELL.
Check this shit out in real player
So, yeah, this story is totally whack; I mean, why in the hell would anybody be carrying around a nine mile long microphone cord to listen to tectonic plates shifting? But The Mother told me about the tape and I looked for it on the Art Bell site and I listened to it and I nearly peed my pants because I'm totally gullible like that.
WHITE NOISE is not as scary as that tape, although they totally played something like that in the movie.
The movie stars Michael Keaton as a guy who makes shitloads of money so he can freely indulge in whatever craziness he wants for two hours because he doesn't really need to go to work. His wife dies tragically and then a fat guy starts following him around. The fat guy tells him he's been receiving messages from Keaton's wife from beyond the grave by recording the ambient noise in rooms and then filtering it through the computer. And seriously, if you squint really hard and have a small grasp of Esperanto it does sound like his wife saying his name. And some other stuff. So Keaton goes out and buys shitloads of equipment because he can, and he spends all his time trying to tape his wife. And then she starts showing up and tells him cryptically to rescue people, but she's totally not because that's not what she's saying at all and you can tell he's totally making that shit up because he's desperate for his wife to be a life-saving angel and not a hell-bound demonic spirit bend on global dominance and destruction.
At least that's how I translated that section of Esperanto.
But then he figures out that all the people who are dying were also going to the fat guy to hear their dead relatives, and then his creepy girlfriend shows up in a tape and does a Louganis off her balcony but she doesn't die for some reason, and there's a serial killer and some creepy shadow demons and a climatic fight to the death and THE END.
But back to Art Bell. Another show that totally freaked The Mother out was one about "SHADOW PEOPLE." These are the forms that you see flutter by out of the corner of your eye when you're alone in a room. Here's a supposed picture so you can be as freaked out as my mom. Shadow people figure prominently in the action of WHITE NOISE (actually more like in the televisions) but there should have been way more of them.
So WHITE NOISE wasn't really all that scary. I told The Brother that I was going to pee my pants in fear but that was more from the soda. He said I looked very engrossed all hunched over and leaning toward the screen near the end of the movie, but that was to relieve the pressure on my bladder. See, I kept thinking that if I left to pee I'd miss the really scary part, but there never was a really scary part. There were a couple of scenes that were jump-out-of-your-seat moments, but that was more from the fact that you're watching the tape and watching the tape and watching the tape and listening to the static and you think you hear a Jonathan I love you and then OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND and then it's over.
I think the idea (without overanalyzing) was that when you're supposed to go, you're supposed to go. And the "Other Side" is not something for the living to be meddling in. And if you meddle you've gotten a glimpse of something no living person should see, and so the Shadow People come and get you. Unless you're a crazy girlfriend doped up on tranquilizers because then they don't bother you. Or something. But part of the problem with WHITE NOISE is that the Shadow People didn't fuck around with the living enough. Not that I wanted limbs torn off torsos or anything.
Did you see GHOST? You did? Because you wanted to see Demi Moore naked and at the time that Righteous Brothers song hadn't been played into the ground so you could still stand to hear it without desperately wanting to stick a Q-Tip into your ear all the way totally going against everything they tell you on the packaging? You remember the scene at the end where evil murderer and attempted rapist Tony Goldwyn gets the shit kicked out of him by the evil smoke demons and they drag him to hell? You do?
The end of WHITE NOISE is exactly like that.
No, really. Only no Patrick Swayse.
I will also readily admit that more than once during the movie Michael Keaton gave this penetrating look of concern and concentration that made me think to myself "I'M BATMAN." Which threw me out of the movie. But afterwards The Brother confessed he thought the same thing. And also his dead wife appears to him in person as this apparition and granted the rest of the film was pretty unbelievable but I'd successfully suspended my disbelief but THAT was crossing a line of credulity that even I would not walk over. It was just really cheesy and stupid.
Once again I was taken by a preview. But I did tell The Husband that I would see it again at the dollar theater, because I have to admit that part with the OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND part was really fucking awesome. There just needed to be way more than that.
There was this awesome syndicated show on called SIGHTINGS. On one episode they interviewed this women named Sarah Estep, who is a researcher in Electronic Voice Phenomena. She went to a civil war cemetary with her tape recorder and started asking questions and when she got back to her lab and listened to the tapes there were these voices talking about their experiences in the war. It freaked my shit out. That was way more scary than WHITE NOISE. The Brother's theory, which sounds completely plausable, is that because you are seeing it under the guise of "documentary" your mind automatically says "TRUTH," because you're conditioned to believe that things you see in documentaries are true. So documentaries are scarier because you believe everything in them acutally happened and are possible. And there's a certain clinical detachment as well that adds to the scare. WHITE NOISE spends so much (or so little) time trying to get you to give a rat's ass about the people in the movie that you aren't as frightened.
And you keep thinking, "I'M BATMAN." Which doesn't help.
So the Moral of the Story, according to The Brother, is DON'T FUCK WITH THE DEAD. I am leaning more towards DON'T HAVE MORE THAN ONE TV, AND IF YOU DO, FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T PUT THEM ALL IN ONE ROOM. And also DON'T BUY LILIES FOR ANYONE EVER, THEY'RE TOTALLY BAD LUCK.
Next week: ELEKTRA. I'm hoping for some really shitty MORTAL KOMBAT-y goodness. And crossing my fingers for a Christopher Lambert cameo. More films need Christopher Lambert. And Jean-Claude Van Damme. But that's just me.
PS. The best part of WHITE NOISE was that as The Brother and I were leaving we passed by this couple, and the chick was totally crying. I don't know if someone close to her had just died, or she's been contacting the dead recently, or what, but--not to be mean--that's really fucking funny. I mean, why would you go see a movie about contacting the recently deceased if you have had someone recently decease? I mean, recounting the plot to The Mother, I told her about this part where this girl gets a message from her recently deceased grandmother, and I got kind of choked up and my grandmother's been dead for three years!!! So why you'd actively search out a movie like this in those circumstances is beyond me.
But then again she could have been upset about something completely unrelated to the movie. It's not nice to make fun of people. I don't know why I brought it up.
She was probably upset that she wasted two hours of her life that she'd never get back.
PPS. Just to geek for a moment, the way the fat guy EVPs in the movie is totally not how you do it in real life. But I'm not going to get into that. As I'm not one to nitpick.
PSS. Have you ever thought about reincarnation? You know how people are always claiming that they were someone famous, like Napoleon? Did you ever stop to think that if you were reincarnated, and your future self were to get hypnotized and relive your life, that they'd totally tell people they were Napoleon, too, instead of admitting their previous life was spent in a cubicle during the day, and then playing video games at night? I often thought about that when I worked at the bookstore, like how depressing would that be to relive a past life and you're like, "I was a supervisor at a Borders, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." No one's ever a scullery maid, you know? Were there even such things? How did the world end up the way it did with fifty gajillion Napoleons running around?
Once upon a time, The Mother used to listen to Art Bell on the radio, really late at night. The next day, she'd call me at work and recount the previous night's show, and then I would further explain to her the intricacies of Ufology and crystal healing and Black Helicopters and the HAARP Project. Because I'm down with all that craziness.
So anyway, on one show he featured this story (now confirmed to be a hoax) about these Siberian oil drillers who drilled into the earth and punched into a pocket and they stuck a microphone into the hole thinking they'd hear tectonic plate movements and instead they heard THE VOICES OF HELL.
Check this shit out in real player
So, yeah, this story is totally whack; I mean, why in the hell would anybody be carrying around a nine mile long microphone cord to listen to tectonic plates shifting? But The Mother told me about the tape and I looked for it on the Art Bell site and I listened to it and I nearly peed my pants because I'm totally gullible like that.
WHITE NOISE is not as scary as that tape, although they totally played something like that in the movie.
The movie stars Michael Keaton as a guy who makes shitloads of money so he can freely indulge in whatever craziness he wants for two hours because he doesn't really need to go to work. His wife dies tragically and then a fat guy starts following him around. The fat guy tells him he's been receiving messages from Keaton's wife from beyond the grave by recording the ambient noise in rooms and then filtering it through the computer. And seriously, if you squint really hard and have a small grasp of Esperanto it does sound like his wife saying his name. And some other stuff. So Keaton goes out and buys shitloads of equipment because he can, and he spends all his time trying to tape his wife. And then she starts showing up and tells him cryptically to rescue people, but she's totally not because that's not what she's saying at all and you can tell he's totally making that shit up because he's desperate for his wife to be a life-saving angel and not a hell-bound demonic spirit bend on global dominance and destruction.
At least that's how I translated that section of Esperanto.
But then he figures out that all the people who are dying were also going to the fat guy to hear their dead relatives, and then his creepy girlfriend shows up in a tape and does a Louganis off her balcony but she doesn't die for some reason, and there's a serial killer and some creepy shadow demons and a climatic fight to the death and THE END.
But back to Art Bell. Another show that totally freaked The Mother out was one about "SHADOW PEOPLE." These are the forms that you see flutter by out of the corner of your eye when you're alone in a room. Here's a supposed picture so you can be as freaked out as my mom. Shadow people figure prominently in the action of WHITE NOISE (actually more like in the televisions) but there should have been way more of them.
So WHITE NOISE wasn't really all that scary. I told The Brother that I was going to pee my pants in fear but that was more from the soda. He said I looked very engrossed all hunched over and leaning toward the screen near the end of the movie, but that was to relieve the pressure on my bladder. See, I kept thinking that if I left to pee I'd miss the really scary part, but there never was a really scary part. There were a couple of scenes that were jump-out-of-your-seat moments, but that was more from the fact that you're watching the tape and watching the tape and watching the tape and listening to the static and you think you hear a Jonathan I love you and then OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND and then it's over.
I think the idea (without overanalyzing) was that when you're supposed to go, you're supposed to go. And the "Other Side" is not something for the living to be meddling in. And if you meddle you've gotten a glimpse of something no living person should see, and so the Shadow People come and get you. Unless you're a crazy girlfriend doped up on tranquilizers because then they don't bother you. Or something. But part of the problem with WHITE NOISE is that the Shadow People didn't fuck around with the living enough. Not that I wanted limbs torn off torsos or anything.
Did you see GHOST? You did? Because you wanted to see Demi Moore naked and at the time that Righteous Brothers song hadn't been played into the ground so you could still stand to hear it without desperately wanting to stick a Q-Tip into your ear all the way totally going against everything they tell you on the packaging? You remember the scene at the end where evil murderer and attempted rapist Tony Goldwyn gets the shit kicked out of him by the evil smoke demons and they drag him to hell? You do?
The end of WHITE NOISE is exactly like that.
No, really. Only no Patrick Swayse.
I will also readily admit that more than once during the movie Michael Keaton gave this penetrating look of concern and concentration that made me think to myself "I'M BATMAN." Which threw me out of the movie. But afterwards The Brother confessed he thought the same thing. And also his dead wife appears to him in person as this apparition and granted the rest of the film was pretty unbelievable but I'd successfully suspended my disbelief but THAT was crossing a line of credulity that even I would not walk over. It was just really cheesy and stupid.
Once again I was taken by a preview. But I did tell The Husband that I would see it again at the dollar theater, because I have to admit that part with the OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND part was really fucking awesome. There just needed to be way more than that.
There was this awesome syndicated show on called SIGHTINGS. On one episode they interviewed this women named Sarah Estep, who is a researcher in Electronic Voice Phenomena. She went to a civil war cemetary with her tape recorder and started asking questions and when she got back to her lab and listened to the tapes there were these voices talking about their experiences in the war. It freaked my shit out. That was way more scary than WHITE NOISE. The Brother's theory, which sounds completely plausable, is that because you are seeing it under the guise of "documentary" your mind automatically says "TRUTH," because you're conditioned to believe that things you see in documentaries are true. So documentaries are scarier because you believe everything in them acutally happened and are possible. And there's a certain clinical detachment as well that adds to the scare. WHITE NOISE spends so much (or so little) time trying to get you to give a rat's ass about the people in the movie that you aren't as frightened.
And you keep thinking, "I'M BATMAN." Which doesn't help.
So the Moral of the Story, according to The Brother, is DON'T FUCK WITH THE DEAD. I am leaning more towards DON'T HAVE MORE THAN ONE TV, AND IF YOU DO, FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T PUT THEM ALL IN ONE ROOM. And also DON'T BUY LILIES FOR ANYONE EVER, THEY'RE TOTALLY BAD LUCK.
Next week: ELEKTRA. I'm hoping for some really shitty MORTAL KOMBAT-y goodness. And crossing my fingers for a Christopher Lambert cameo. More films need Christopher Lambert. And Jean-Claude Van Damme. But that's just me.
PS. The best part of WHITE NOISE was that as The Brother and I were leaving we passed by this couple, and the chick was totally crying. I don't know if someone close to her had just died, or she's been contacting the dead recently, or what, but--not to be mean--that's really fucking funny. I mean, why would you go see a movie about contacting the recently deceased if you have had someone recently decease? I mean, recounting the plot to The Mother, I told her about this part where this girl gets a message from her recently deceased grandmother, and I got kind of choked up and my grandmother's been dead for three years!!! So why you'd actively search out a movie like this in those circumstances is beyond me.
But then again she could have been upset about something completely unrelated to the movie. It's not nice to make fun of people. I don't know why I brought it up.
She was probably upset that she wasted two hours of her life that she'd never get back.
PPS. Just to geek for a moment, the way the fat guy EVPs in the movie is totally not how you do it in real life. But I'm not going to get into that. As I'm not one to nitpick.
PSS. Have you ever thought about reincarnation? You know how people are always claiming that they were someone famous, like Napoleon? Did you ever stop to think that if you were reincarnated, and your future self were to get hypnotized and relive your life, that they'd totally tell people they were Napoleon, too, instead of admitting their previous life was spent in a cubicle during the day, and then playing video games at night? I often thought about that when I worked at the bookstore, like how depressing would that be to relive a past life and you're like, "I was a supervisor at a Borders, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." No one's ever a scullery maid, you know? Were there even such things? How did the world end up the way it did with fifty gajillion Napoleons running around?
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
review--BLADE:TRINITY
SPOILERS!!!
So, I finally dragged myself out to see BLADE. And I mean that literally: before going to the movies with The Brother I'd left the house approximately two times in the week following Christmas. I was in bed on New Year's Eve at 10pm. AND I was pissed at the neighborhood partiers for making it hard for me to go to sleep.
I have become a lazy bum.
So anyway, on the way out of the movie The Brother and I had the following exchange:
ME: Do you know who Dracula was? He looked really familiar.
THE BROTHER: No. We'll have to look him up when we get home.
ME: He was kind of a hottie.
THE BROTHER: I wouldn't know, I was too busy looking at Jessica Biel.
ME: There's nothing like watching BLADE: TRINITY to make you feel fat.
THE BROTHER: Ryan Reynolds did not look like that in VAN WILDER.
By the way, as a side note Ryan Reynolds guested on THE X-FILES on that episode where Scully's investigating the never-dying photographer and she gets shot. Just in case you wanted to know.
BLADE: TRINITY is the ironically named third installment in the BLADE trilogy, and it features a host of REALLY HOT ACTORS. I say "ironically" not because it's THIRD in a TRILOGY, or that there are THREE VAMPIRE HUNTERS (although one is taken out of most of the action for a good deal of the movie so technically that's not true), but because Blade has three lines in the whole movie:
"I forgot my sword."
"Choochie-coo."
"*grunt*"
Okay, I may be exaggerating, but seriously Blade's in the movie for all of five minutes.
BLADE: TRINITY is about a group of vampires who awaken Dracula (who's buried in Iraq for some reason) because they believe he's the only thing capable of killing off Blade once and for all. Meanwhile the FBI's gunning for Blade because he's a Menace to Society, and they end up blowing up his hideout. And some of the cops are helping the vampires. It looks really bad for our hero until a heretofore unmentioned shadow network of vampire killers led by heretofore unmentioned Whistler's daughter Jennifer Biel comes out of hiding to rescue him and help him out. And then there's fighting and stuff blowing up and sarcastic line delivery and tight abs and THE END.
The acting, for once, is top notch. Parker Posey, Queen of Indie Film, plays the head vampire, and you can tell she's having fun bossing people around, throwing fits and torturing people. Also she looks like a bad ass. Ryan Reynolds is kind of funny. The guy who plays Dracula is awesome (he was TV's JOHN DOE, by the way, on Fox's short-lived series).
And this is where the problem comes in. BLADE: TRINITY had the possibility to be something really great. It's hinted at in a couple of places: you have the King of All Vampires coming head-to-head with the King of All Vampire Killers. What kind of strange dynamic would this create? What sort of mutual introspection would it lead to? Dracula talks about an honor modern vampires have lost, an honor he finds in Blade. In the end, he "sacrifices" himself so that Blade can live. AND there's this awesome scene where he goes into a goth shop and is horrified to discover how his legend has been twisted by lame poseur kids. So many possibilities!!!
Then there's this MATRIX-y subplot where the vampires have victims set up in this warehouse being artificially kept alive so that their blood can be continually harvested. It was really cool looking, but pretty easy to undermind: Blade grunted at the only tech to "turn it off."
The only other thing worth noting was that Dracula's "true form" was fucking BAD ASS. This movie did some cool stuff with the conceit from the second of the vampires with the expanding jaws. But in the end I think it was just way too much trying to be packed into one movie. Not that I expected BLADE: TRINITY to be a Master's Class in character development, but it was disappointing even from a blowing lots of shit up angle.
I think I have to stop trusting in trailers. I'm learning that they don't often deliver what they promise.
I'm JUST NOW coming to understand this?!?!?!?
Coming up: WHITE NOISE (which still freaks my shit out), ELEKTRA, HIDE AND SEEK (looks pretty awesome), and CONSTANTINE. And some other stuff. Also I just bought some really awesome crap films like ZOMBIE LAKE, THE VIRGIN OF NUREMBERG, and DEMON UNDER GLASS featuring the sort-of-hot goateed guy from BABYLON 5. So I will be wallowing in shit for some time to come, and I'm taking you with me.
PS speaking of zombies, The Brother made The Mother watch SHAUN OF THE DEAD after telling her how awesome it was. The Mother hated it. Her exact quote was, "Why did it need to be so violent? I mean, did they really have to eat those people?"
We tried to explain the concept of zombies to her, but she wasn't having it.
So, I finally dragged myself out to see BLADE. And I mean that literally: before going to the movies with The Brother I'd left the house approximately two times in the week following Christmas. I was in bed on New Year's Eve at 10pm. AND I was pissed at the neighborhood partiers for making it hard for me to go to sleep.
I have become a lazy bum.
So anyway, on the way out of the movie The Brother and I had the following exchange:
ME: Do you know who Dracula was? He looked really familiar.
THE BROTHER: No. We'll have to look him up when we get home.
ME: He was kind of a hottie.
THE BROTHER: I wouldn't know, I was too busy looking at Jessica Biel.
ME: There's nothing like watching BLADE: TRINITY to make you feel fat.
THE BROTHER: Ryan Reynolds did not look like that in VAN WILDER.
By the way, as a side note Ryan Reynolds guested on THE X-FILES on that episode where Scully's investigating the never-dying photographer and she gets shot. Just in case you wanted to know.
BLADE: TRINITY is the ironically named third installment in the BLADE trilogy, and it features a host of REALLY HOT ACTORS. I say "ironically" not because it's THIRD in a TRILOGY, or that there are THREE VAMPIRE HUNTERS (although one is taken out of most of the action for a good deal of the movie so technically that's not true), but because Blade has three lines in the whole movie:
"I forgot my sword."
"Choochie-coo."
"*grunt*"
Okay, I may be exaggerating, but seriously Blade's in the movie for all of five minutes.
BLADE: TRINITY is about a group of vampires who awaken Dracula (who's buried in Iraq for some reason) because they believe he's the only thing capable of killing off Blade once and for all. Meanwhile the FBI's gunning for Blade because he's a Menace to Society, and they end up blowing up his hideout. And some of the cops are helping the vampires. It looks really bad for our hero until a heretofore unmentioned shadow network of vampire killers led by heretofore unmentioned Whistler's daughter Jennifer Biel comes out of hiding to rescue him and help him out. And then there's fighting and stuff blowing up and sarcastic line delivery and tight abs and THE END.
The acting, for once, is top notch. Parker Posey, Queen of Indie Film, plays the head vampire, and you can tell she's having fun bossing people around, throwing fits and torturing people. Also she looks like a bad ass. Ryan Reynolds is kind of funny. The guy who plays Dracula is awesome (he was TV's JOHN DOE, by the way, on Fox's short-lived series).
And this is where the problem comes in. BLADE: TRINITY had the possibility to be something really great. It's hinted at in a couple of places: you have the King of All Vampires coming head-to-head with the King of All Vampire Killers. What kind of strange dynamic would this create? What sort of mutual introspection would it lead to? Dracula talks about an honor modern vampires have lost, an honor he finds in Blade. In the end, he "sacrifices" himself so that Blade can live. AND there's this awesome scene where he goes into a goth shop and is horrified to discover how his legend has been twisted by lame poseur kids. So many possibilities!!!
Then there's this MATRIX-y subplot where the vampires have victims set up in this warehouse being artificially kept alive so that their blood can be continually harvested. It was really cool looking, but pretty easy to undermind: Blade grunted at the only tech to "turn it off."
The only other thing worth noting was that Dracula's "true form" was fucking BAD ASS. This movie did some cool stuff with the conceit from the second of the vampires with the expanding jaws. But in the end I think it was just way too much trying to be packed into one movie. Not that I expected BLADE: TRINITY to be a Master's Class in character development, but it was disappointing even from a blowing lots of shit up angle.
I think I have to stop trusting in trailers. I'm learning that they don't often deliver what they promise.
I'm JUST NOW coming to understand this?!?!?!?
Coming up: WHITE NOISE (which still freaks my shit out), ELEKTRA, HIDE AND SEEK (looks pretty awesome), and CONSTANTINE. And some other stuff. Also I just bought some really awesome crap films like ZOMBIE LAKE, THE VIRGIN OF NUREMBERG, and DEMON UNDER GLASS featuring the sort-of-hot goateed guy from BABYLON 5. So I will be wallowing in shit for some time to come, and I'm taking you with me.
PS speaking of zombies, The Brother made The Mother watch SHAUN OF THE DEAD after telling her how awesome it was. The Mother hated it. Her exact quote was, "Why did it need to be so violent? I mean, did they really have to eat those people?"
We tried to explain the concept of zombies to her, but she wasn't having it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2004
review--BUYING TICKETS FOR DURAN DURAN SHOWS
As I've mentioned in other entries, Duran Duran has a new album out featuring the original five members. I've never seen them together...I missed out on the Seven and the Ragged Tiger tour in '84.
Last year's show in Cleveland doesn't count. I couldn't see them from the shitty place where I was standing.
So the official fan site has pre-sale tickets. Presumably this is why I pay $35 a year: so that I can get the best seats in the house. Imagine my surprise when I discovered today that the only seats available for sale are the ones in the $70-95 range.
Unless I want to spend $300 for "VIP" tickets which will get me champagne, free shit I was planning on buying anyway, and "maybe" a chance to meet the band.
On the boards, those of us who are a little put off by the cost of the tickets are being shouted down by those who would gladly give an arm and a leg and a first-born son with cries of, "You obviously don't love Duran Duran enough!!" I'm sure that my extensive vinyl collection and that huge box of BOP Magazine articles I've been hauling around with me my whole life would beg to differ. As I emailed a friend, it's just that I love eating and new brakes for my car more.
And I know they need the money to come from somewhere, because I doubt their album is flying off the shelves.
But seriously, this is just one of myriad crazy money-grubbing schemes perpetrated by musicians. I'll tell you something: I never go to shows. Never. Once in a blue moon someone will tour who I absolutely have to see, but it really has to be someone special. I just can't afford to shell out the kind of money bands are asking for these days. I'll admit, their record labels are probably to blame for some of it. But look, you spend $70 a ticket, $10 for parking, drinks are $5 a piece for soda, shirts are $40...you have to take out a loan. And I know, some of those charges are the fault of the venue. But I'm trying to make a point here.
The point is that I've waited twenty years for this. I've bought all the records, often more than once. I have the posters and the remixes and the puffy stickers. Last year The Husband and I spent over a hundred on just the tickets to see Duran Duran at a tiny, shitty podunk crap venue and we couldn't even see them, AND we had to drive two and a half hours away to do it. I single-handedly probably financed their 80s drug habits because of the money I spent on Duran Duran shit that's currently clogging up my basement. And the appreciation I get is the opportunity to pay $35 a year for the privilege of buying tickets that cost so much before everybody else, all I can think is, "That money could have gone to buy a dishwasher that doesn't smell like a rotting corpse."
But then I think, "If I wait I'll be all the way in the back."
And then I get sick to my stomach.
Idolization is a shitty thing.
I am Duran Duran's bitch.
Hey, Simon, I'm bending over and I've got the lube. Oh, and The Husband's letting me use the emergency credit card for tickets. Just so you know who to thank when you're buying another pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses or whatever it is rich people throw away their money on.
Last year's show in Cleveland doesn't count. I couldn't see them from the shitty place where I was standing.
So the official fan site has pre-sale tickets. Presumably this is why I pay $35 a year: so that I can get the best seats in the house. Imagine my surprise when I discovered today that the only seats available for sale are the ones in the $70-95 range.
Unless I want to spend $300 for "VIP" tickets which will get me champagne, free shit I was planning on buying anyway, and "maybe" a chance to meet the band.
On the boards, those of us who are a little put off by the cost of the tickets are being shouted down by those who would gladly give an arm and a leg and a first-born son with cries of, "You obviously don't love Duran Duran enough!!" I'm sure that my extensive vinyl collection and that huge box of BOP Magazine articles I've been hauling around with me my whole life would beg to differ. As I emailed a friend, it's just that I love eating and new brakes for my car more.
And I know they need the money to come from somewhere, because I doubt their album is flying off the shelves.
But seriously, this is just one of myriad crazy money-grubbing schemes perpetrated by musicians. I'll tell you something: I never go to shows. Never. Once in a blue moon someone will tour who I absolutely have to see, but it really has to be someone special. I just can't afford to shell out the kind of money bands are asking for these days. I'll admit, their record labels are probably to blame for some of it. But look, you spend $70 a ticket, $10 for parking, drinks are $5 a piece for soda, shirts are $40...you have to take out a loan. And I know, some of those charges are the fault of the venue. But I'm trying to make a point here.
The point is that I've waited twenty years for this. I've bought all the records, often more than once. I have the posters and the remixes and the puffy stickers. Last year The Husband and I spent over a hundred on just the tickets to see Duran Duran at a tiny, shitty podunk crap venue and we couldn't even see them, AND we had to drive two and a half hours away to do it. I single-handedly probably financed their 80s drug habits because of the money I spent on Duran Duran shit that's currently clogging up my basement. And the appreciation I get is the opportunity to pay $35 a year for the privilege of buying tickets that cost so much before everybody else, all I can think is, "That money could have gone to buy a dishwasher that doesn't smell like a rotting corpse."
But then I think, "If I wait I'll be all the way in the back."
And then I get sick to my stomach.
Idolization is a shitty thing.
I am Duran Duran's bitch.
Hey, Simon, I'm bending over and I've got the lube. Oh, and The Husband's letting me use the emergency credit card for tickets. Just so you know who to thank when you're buying another pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses or whatever it is rich people throw away their money on.
Monday, November 8, 2004
interlude--RANDOM MUSINGS
I apologize profusely for leaving you alone for so long, my dear. I would promise never to do it again, but you know how hard it is for me to even return your calls, so how can I keep up with a blog?
1) TEAM AMERICA kicks ass. It's easily the funniest movie I've seen all year, if not in this current millennium. I would have written a longer entry about it, but I couldn't remember any of it afterward, because I was laughing so hard. Suffice it to say, you have to see it to believe it. No description I could give you would do it justice, and a great deal of the humor lies in seeing it all for the first time. Suffice it to say, giant cats.
2) The Husband spent the entire weekend at a friend's house doing a LAN party. I think this was the first weekend I've had to myself since we married and never wrote thank you cards oh so long ago. I was determined to "Do It Up" as the kids like to say, so throwing caution to the wind I took the long way home and stopped and got a thing of the greatest Szechwan tofu in Columbus. Then I went next door to the video store.
"I'm BY MYSELF ALL WEEKEND!!!" I thought to myself. "I can get whatever I want that The Husband would NEVER want to see!!!" So after a half hour I left with THE ITALIAN JOB and HOUSE OF THE DEAD. I'm so ashamed. Although I did put back QUEEN OF THE DAMNED. So I'm not totally ashamed. THE ITALIAN JOB was pretty good. HOUSE OF THE DEAD sucked ass. I was warned by The Brother, but I wanted to see it because I was in the mood for something scary. NOT SCARY. Not even gross. And the main character looked JUST LIKE the friend The Husband was staying with.
Side note: Doug, if your girlfriend is ever killed by a zombie conquistador before you're rescued from an island by a shadowy government organization hellbent on creating super soldiers, DON'T REANIMATE HER!!!! The sequel's not worth it.
3) THE OFFICE is really weird. I was disappointed to hear there were only two seasons, but the show is very depressing. Don't get me wrong, it's very well acted and written, but there's something about coming home from a shitty job to watch a show about other people hating their shitty jobs. There's such a sense of ennui. It's almost painful to watch. It's not even a dark comedy. It's human tragedy in the highest.
4) Started watching season 3 of ALIAS. It's still like watching a bloody car wreck. Thank God I can pick up my on reserve episodes of FARSCAPE tonight.
5) KEEN EDDIE just came out on DVD. I don't know if you saw this during one of the many random times FOX showed it, but it stars hottie Mark Valley (currently on BOSTON LEGAL) as a transplanted New York cop making his way in London. He's roommates with Sienna Miller (currently Jude Law's girlfriend and also in ALFIE) and they hate each other so you totally know they're going to do it. But unfortunately there were only 13 episodes, some of which never saw the light of day, so I doubt they actually got around to doing it. Eddie's partner on the London force is named Monty Pippin, which is awesome. You must see it and then hate FOX even more than you do. Until AMERICAN IDOL starts up in January, that is.
6) New Duran Duran album KICKS ASS and is the best Duran Duran album ever if I do say so myself.
I'm not even going to recommend you get it though because I can sense you rolling your eyes.
7) I think this may be all I'm going to talk about for right now. I have kind of a headache. I have a NASAL POLYP. It's very fun and exciting: I never got my allergies treated so the inside of my nose totally swelled up and it runs all the time and it's hard to breathe. Also, now that I know I have a NASAL POLYP I can totally feel it, like a little alien or something. Breeding in my nose. So I now use FLONASE, which according to the commercials will clear up your allergies and encourage hot guys to give you bouquets of flowers made out of ragweed. I also take CLARIDIN-D, which is supposed to be non-drowsy but turns my brain to cotton. That's my sad tale.
1) TEAM AMERICA kicks ass. It's easily the funniest movie I've seen all year, if not in this current millennium. I would have written a longer entry about it, but I couldn't remember any of it afterward, because I was laughing so hard. Suffice it to say, you have to see it to believe it. No description I could give you would do it justice, and a great deal of the humor lies in seeing it all for the first time. Suffice it to say, giant cats.
2) The Husband spent the entire weekend at a friend's house doing a LAN party. I think this was the first weekend I've had to myself since we married and never wrote thank you cards oh so long ago. I was determined to "Do It Up" as the kids like to say, so throwing caution to the wind I took the long way home and stopped and got a thing of the greatest Szechwan tofu in Columbus. Then I went next door to the video store.
"I'm BY MYSELF ALL WEEKEND!!!" I thought to myself. "I can get whatever I want that The Husband would NEVER want to see!!!" So after a half hour I left with THE ITALIAN JOB and HOUSE OF THE DEAD. I'm so ashamed. Although I did put back QUEEN OF THE DAMNED. So I'm not totally ashamed. THE ITALIAN JOB was pretty good. HOUSE OF THE DEAD sucked ass. I was warned by The Brother, but I wanted to see it because I was in the mood for something scary. NOT SCARY. Not even gross. And the main character looked JUST LIKE the friend The Husband was staying with.
Side note: Doug, if your girlfriend is ever killed by a zombie conquistador before you're rescued from an island by a shadowy government organization hellbent on creating super soldiers, DON'T REANIMATE HER!!!! The sequel's not worth it.
3) THE OFFICE is really weird. I was disappointed to hear there were only two seasons, but the show is very depressing. Don't get me wrong, it's very well acted and written, but there's something about coming home from a shitty job to watch a show about other people hating their shitty jobs. There's such a sense of ennui. It's almost painful to watch. It's not even a dark comedy. It's human tragedy in the highest.
4) Started watching season 3 of ALIAS. It's still like watching a bloody car wreck. Thank God I can pick up my on reserve episodes of FARSCAPE tonight.
5) KEEN EDDIE just came out on DVD. I don't know if you saw this during one of the many random times FOX showed it, but it stars hottie Mark Valley (currently on BOSTON LEGAL) as a transplanted New York cop making his way in London. He's roommates with Sienna Miller (currently Jude Law's girlfriend and also in ALFIE) and they hate each other so you totally know they're going to do it. But unfortunately there were only 13 episodes, some of which never saw the light of day, so I doubt they actually got around to doing it. Eddie's partner on the London force is named Monty Pippin, which is awesome. You must see it and then hate FOX even more than you do. Until AMERICAN IDOL starts up in January, that is.
6) New Duran Duran album KICKS ASS and is the best Duran Duran album ever if I do say so myself.
I'm not even going to recommend you get it though because I can sense you rolling your eyes.
7) I think this may be all I'm going to talk about for right now. I have kind of a headache. I have a NASAL POLYP. It's very fun and exciting: I never got my allergies treated so the inside of my nose totally swelled up and it runs all the time and it's hard to breathe. Also, now that I know I have a NASAL POLYP I can totally feel it, like a little alien or something. Breeding in my nose. So I now use FLONASE, which according to the commercials will clear up your allergies and encourage hot guys to give you bouquets of flowers made out of ragweed. I also take CLARIDIN-D, which is supposed to be non-drowsy but turns my brain to cotton. That's my sad tale.
Friday, October 15, 2004
another interlude--THIS MADE ME CRY
This was discovered in a Fark comments thread. It made me cry I was laughing so hard. In fact, I began crying again just now re-reading it as I pasted it here. It is from the column "Walken in L.A." from The Onion.
Enjoy...
A Wiener Lover's Essay
by Christopher Walken
Do you enjoy eating hot dogs? I hope you won't be put off by my frankness when I tell you that I absolutely love them. In fact, I enjoy no food item more than a freshly-boiled hot dog.
Now, I've done a lot of movies, and it's true that I've worked with quite a few celebrities who did not share this opinion. I'm sorry to say that these people have always angered me. There are two types of people in this world: those who eat hot dogs whenever it is possible to do so, and those who opt to do other things with their free time.
Who do the latter think they are kidding? What pastime could be more rewarding than the consumption of hot dogs? I haven't yet found one, and I don't expect to in my lifetime.
Unlike other foods, hot dogs can be eaten at any time, in any place, and it is not necessary to cook them. Now, I ask you: Why not eat hot dogs? They are delicious. I carry a bag of hot dogs with me wherever I go. I eat them from the bag whenever I get the urge, regardless of the circumstances. When I make a movie, my hot dogs are my co-stars. If, in the middle of a scene, I decide I want to consume a hot dog, I do so. I waste the director's time and thousands of dollars in film stock, but in the end, it is all worth it, because I enjoy eating hot dogs more than I enjoy acting.
This bothers some people. I was supposed to portray Batman, but when Tim Burton learned of my hot dog cravings, he asked Michael Keaton to wear the cape. To this day, I am peeved about this.
When we filmed The Dead Zone, I ate over 800 hot dogs a day. It was necessary. My character needed to come across as intense as possible, and I found the inspiration for that intensity in my intense love for hot dogs. The director, David Cronenberg, said that he would never work with me again. I kept eating hot dogs when the cameras were rolling, and that seemed to bother him. I say fuck him. He doesn't even like hot dogs.
I would like to end by emphasizing once again that I really like to eat hot dogs. If any of you people disagree, I loathe you. I despise you. Not only that, but I also despise all your loved ones. I want to see them torn to pieces by wild dogs. If I ever meet you in person, I'll smash your brains in with a fucking bat. Then we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs.
Enjoy...
A Wiener Lover's Essay
by Christopher Walken
Do you enjoy eating hot dogs? I hope you won't be put off by my frankness when I tell you that I absolutely love them. In fact, I enjoy no food item more than a freshly-boiled hot dog.
Now, I've done a lot of movies, and it's true that I've worked with quite a few celebrities who did not share this opinion. I'm sorry to say that these people have always angered me. There are two types of people in this world: those who eat hot dogs whenever it is possible to do so, and those who opt to do other things with their free time.
Who do the latter think they are kidding? What pastime could be more rewarding than the consumption of hot dogs? I haven't yet found one, and I don't expect to in my lifetime.
Unlike other foods, hot dogs can be eaten at any time, in any place, and it is not necessary to cook them. Now, I ask you: Why not eat hot dogs? They are delicious. I carry a bag of hot dogs with me wherever I go. I eat them from the bag whenever I get the urge, regardless of the circumstances. When I make a movie, my hot dogs are my co-stars. If, in the middle of a scene, I decide I want to consume a hot dog, I do so. I waste the director's time and thousands of dollars in film stock, but in the end, it is all worth it, because I enjoy eating hot dogs more than I enjoy acting.
This bothers some people. I was supposed to portray Batman, but when Tim Burton learned of my hot dog cravings, he asked Michael Keaton to wear the cape. To this day, I am peeved about this.
When we filmed The Dead Zone, I ate over 800 hot dogs a day. It was necessary. My character needed to come across as intense as possible, and I found the inspiration for that intensity in my intense love for hot dogs. The director, David Cronenberg, said that he would never work with me again. I kept eating hot dogs when the cameras were rolling, and that seemed to bother him. I say fuck him. He doesn't even like hot dogs.
I would like to end by emphasizing once again that I really like to eat hot dogs. If any of you people disagree, I loathe you. I despise you. Not only that, but I also despise all your loved ones. I want to see them torn to pieces by wild dogs. If I ever meet you in person, I'll smash your brains in with a fucking bat. Then we'll see who doesn't like hot dogs.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
interlude--THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE
So let me tell you some of the shit going on
1) I JUST THIS MOMENT ran the wheel of my desk chair over the cord for my headphones and RIPPED THE CORD IN HALF. Now normally this would not bother me, but today is October 12th, THE DAY THE GODDAMN NEW DURAN DURAN ALBUM COMES OUT AND I PRE-ORDERED MINE A MONTH AGO WITH THE SPECIAL DVD AND LIMITED EDITION MOUSEPAD AND IF IT COMES IN THE MAIL TODAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO IT GODDAMNIT FUCK FUCKITY FUCK MOTHERFUCKER SHIT!!! FUCKING 21 YEARS I GOT TO WAIT FOR THE ORIGINAL LINE UP TO GET BACK TOGETHER AND THIS HAPPENS!!!
I suppose it won't kill me to wait another day or two, if it even comes today. But still, fuck.
2) THE FORGOTTEN is so bad I won't even regale you with a review. Needless to say, I GOT A BOOTLEG COPY so I didn't even have to pay for it and it still totally sucked ass. MPAA COME AND FUCKING GET ME, I'll totally enter it into evidence in your pirating lawsuit against me and no jury in the world would convict me, it's THAT BAD. The end totally didn't make any sense, the guy from the previews that had such a big role in Julianne Moore finding her kid is seriously just DROPPED into the movie with NO INTRODUCTION fifteen minutes in. If only they could have heard me repeating to myself, "I don't give a rat's ass." Seriously, they never introduced anyone!!! UGH!!! And the previews totally gave away that it was freakin' space aliens, and the space aliens weren't even that cool. STAY AWAY FROM THE FORGOTTEN. FORGET THAT THERE EVEN IS A FORGOTTEN. Go get CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. That movie kicks all sorts of ass with 10% of the special effects.
3) You know why THE BEN STILLER SHOW was cancelled by Fox all those years ago? Because it SUCKED ASS. And it pains me to say that, because Bob Odenkirk is slave #1 in my imaginary harem. He's the only good thing about the show. Seriously, after memorizing most of MR. SHOW, I could tell which skits were written by Bob and David Cross. They just have a certain sensibility that leads to the funny. GO WATCH MR. SHOW. Andy Dick is also much more talented than we give him credit for. But thank God Bruce Springsteen is not nearly the pop culture icon he was in the late 80s/early 90s or we'd STILL be subjected to endless bad impersonations of him.
PS Looking for an excuse to avoid getting your graduate degree at the University of Oregon School of Journalism? Check out the shit that passes for a thesis here.
4) I think I may have been wrong about LOST. Last week I spent way more time embroiled in the drama of eating disorders and bad dye jobs on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL than I did watching the castaways do stuff. Because I'm pretty sure that's all that really happened. They did some stuff, and talked about doing some stuff, and botched killing the marshal guy with the shrapnel. I would say I hope this week is better, but I'm more excited about the Presidential Debate.
5) What else? Oh, MONK is awesome. I watched them all this weekend. It reminds me a lot of COLUMBO. Tony Shalhoub is awesome, and I love his nurse played by Bitty Schram, but I think I read somewhere that she's left the show. But it's still awesome, the first season's on DVD. What's really cool is that You the Viewer can totally solve the crimes too, IF you're paying attention.
6) I have an INSANELY busy weekend coming up. The Husband and I are doing a Burns and Allen routine in the church fundraiser on the 16th (leave a note if you're interested in details--it's for the homeless!!). Anyway, I dreamt ALL LAST NIGHT about it, that I was late getting going, and my dad had to drive me, and it started at 7:30 but I missed the last dress rehearsal in the afternoon so I was in my dad's car shaving my legs on the way to the church because I wouldn't have time to do it when I got there.
I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams about church lately. I don't think you're supposed to have anxiety dreams about church.
Anyway, the point of this is that I will try my damnedest to have a review up of TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. I've been looking forward to this for forever. I will, however, not inflict upon you a review of the Duran Duran album, because I can tell right now without even listening to it that it's AWESOME.
Okay, I'm actually going to do some work.
Shut up.
1) I JUST THIS MOMENT ran the wheel of my desk chair over the cord for my headphones and RIPPED THE CORD IN HALF. Now normally this would not bother me, but today is October 12th, THE DAY THE GODDAMN NEW DURAN DURAN ALBUM COMES OUT AND I PRE-ORDERED MINE A MONTH AGO WITH THE SPECIAL DVD AND LIMITED EDITION MOUSEPAD AND IF IT COMES IN THE MAIL TODAY I WON'T BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO IT GODDAMNIT FUCK FUCKITY FUCK MOTHERFUCKER SHIT!!! FUCKING 21 YEARS I GOT TO WAIT FOR THE ORIGINAL LINE UP TO GET BACK TOGETHER AND THIS HAPPENS!!!
I suppose it won't kill me to wait another day or two, if it even comes today. But still, fuck.
2) THE FORGOTTEN is so bad I won't even regale you with a review. Needless to say, I GOT A BOOTLEG COPY so I didn't even have to pay for it and it still totally sucked ass. MPAA COME AND FUCKING GET ME, I'll totally enter it into evidence in your pirating lawsuit against me and no jury in the world would convict me, it's THAT BAD. The end totally didn't make any sense, the guy from the previews that had such a big role in Julianne Moore finding her kid is seriously just DROPPED into the movie with NO INTRODUCTION fifteen minutes in. If only they could have heard me repeating to myself, "I don't give a rat's ass." Seriously, they never introduced anyone!!! UGH!!! And the previews totally gave away that it was freakin' space aliens, and the space aliens weren't even that cool. STAY AWAY FROM THE FORGOTTEN. FORGET THAT THERE EVEN IS A FORGOTTEN. Go get CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. That movie kicks all sorts of ass with 10% of the special effects.
3) You know why THE BEN STILLER SHOW was cancelled by Fox all those years ago? Because it SUCKED ASS. And it pains me to say that, because Bob Odenkirk is slave #1 in my imaginary harem. He's the only good thing about the show. Seriously, after memorizing most of MR. SHOW, I could tell which skits were written by Bob and David Cross. They just have a certain sensibility that leads to the funny. GO WATCH MR. SHOW. Andy Dick is also much more talented than we give him credit for. But thank God Bruce Springsteen is not nearly the pop culture icon he was in the late 80s/early 90s or we'd STILL be subjected to endless bad impersonations of him.
PS Looking for an excuse to avoid getting your graduate degree at the University of Oregon School of Journalism? Check out the shit that passes for a thesis here.
4) I think I may have been wrong about LOST. Last week I spent way more time embroiled in the drama of eating disorders and bad dye jobs on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL than I did watching the castaways do stuff. Because I'm pretty sure that's all that really happened. They did some stuff, and talked about doing some stuff, and botched killing the marshal guy with the shrapnel. I would say I hope this week is better, but I'm more excited about the Presidential Debate.
5) What else? Oh, MONK is awesome. I watched them all this weekend. It reminds me a lot of COLUMBO. Tony Shalhoub is awesome, and I love his nurse played by Bitty Schram, but I think I read somewhere that she's left the show. But it's still awesome, the first season's on DVD. What's really cool is that You the Viewer can totally solve the crimes too, IF you're paying attention.
6) I have an INSANELY busy weekend coming up. The Husband and I are doing a Burns and Allen routine in the church fundraiser on the 16th (leave a note if you're interested in details--it's for the homeless!!). Anyway, I dreamt ALL LAST NIGHT about it, that I was late getting going, and my dad had to drive me, and it started at 7:30 but I missed the last dress rehearsal in the afternoon so I was in my dad's car shaving my legs on the way to the church because I wouldn't have time to do it when I got there.
I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams about church lately. I don't think you're supposed to have anxiety dreams about church.
Anyway, the point of this is that I will try my damnedest to have a review up of TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. I've been looking forward to this for forever. I will, however, not inflict upon you a review of the Duran Duran album, because I can tell right now without even listening to it that it's AWESOME.
Okay, I'm actually going to do some work.
Shut up.
Monday, October 4, 2004
review--FARSCAPE
I am hereby issuing the following proclamation...
FARSCAPE IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.
I never thought I'd ever say that, especially with three boxes in the basement of nothing but X-FILES magazines, but FARSCAPE IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.
The Husband and I have spent the last couple of weeks watching the first season on DVD from the library. No one I know owns it. Only a very few people I know have seen it. I think I may have caught a couple of episodes on the SciFi Channel and thought it was cool, but not enough to watch it on a regular basis. So why bother now? Well, FARSCAPE was on TV for four seasons. It was shuffled from time slot to time slot, day to day, channel to channel. The brainchild of ALIEN NATION writer Rockne S. O'Bannon, the gimmick was that many characters would be puppets created by the Jim Henson Studios. And it was in space, on a ship, so comparisons to STAR TREK were inevitable. I think the story goes that in the last season, even though it was one of if not the SciFi Channel's top rated show, they slashed the budget and wouldn't give them a consistent time slot, THEN they wouldn't give a straight answer as to the fate of the show. The producers struggled to make a final season with what little they had, and expecting to return for a fifth season they produced a cliffhanging season finale. At the last minute, SciFi Channel canceled the show, and fans tried valiantly to save it with a letter writing campaign, but for naught. Except that this month SciFi Channel is broadcasting a four hour mini-series closing up all the loose ends, called The Peacekeeper Wars. The trailer was badass so I've been working my way through the show. I'm never going to finish in time for the mini-series, but I'm trying.
I seriously don't want it to end.
FARSCAPE is the story of John Crichton. He's a scientist who devised a way to use the Earth's gravitational fields to propel spaceships. During a test flight of his ship Farscape, he creates a wormhole which deposits him on the other side of the universe. After accidentally destroying another ship upon his exit, he is taken aboard Moya, a bio-mechanical craft, where he finds himself among a ragtag crew of escaped prisoners. They travel through the galaxy avoiding those who wish to re-imprison them, hoping to make their way back to their respective home worlds.
Now, while this may sound vaguely STAR TREKish, let me assure this kicks so much more ass. This show is incredibly well written and well acted. Humorous and sad and snarky and passionate, FARSCAPE covers all the bases. IT MUST BE WATCHED IN ORDER, because the greatest thing about it is the attention given to character development. Every adventure in every episode impacts upon every character, and everything they do after that point can be seen as being a result of what has come before. Friendships are forged and alliances are broken; respect is hard won and you see every moment of how it all came to be. It's an incredible attention to detail that you rarely see in episodic television.
As to the characters, I love each and every one of them. They all keep secrets close to their chests, very rarely letting each other or us see what makes them tick. But when they finally reveal those things about themselves those truths are hard fought for, making those moments precious.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's almost as though you are a member of the crew. Most of the action takes place on Moya, so the show is very confining and claustrophobic. There is no "prime directive," so alien encounters are often violent.
Every episode I'm either laughing or crying. It's just so much fun. John has a reluctant love interest on the show, Aeryn Sun, a "Peacekeeper" (they're a race of soldiers for hire--you're basically taken from your home at a young age and conscripted into a military where your whole life is lived for your unit and your ultimate disgrace is to fail in battle). The episode where they first kissed was filled with so much tension that when they finally did it The Husband and I were both jumping up and down in our seats, clapping and laughing and cheering and crying (well, I was the one crying). But it was so awesome. I was so happy for them.
I know it's just a TV show.
So right now Crichton is floating in space with companion D'Argo, who can survive in vacuum for 15 minutes but who is now unconscious. Aeryn is in a small ship trying to rescue them but can't because they're surrounded by Peacekeepers. Moya has fled because of the danger of capture. And that's where season one ended. AND I'M FOURTH ON THE WAITING LIST FOR SEASON TWO AT THE LIBRARY!!!! ARGH!!! AND BLOCKBUSTER DOESN'T CARRY IT!!! ARGH!!!
So check it out. It's a committment, but I assure you it's well worth your while.
PS THE BEN STILLER SHOW isn't. Except for those parts which I'm totally sure were written by Bob Odenkirk, because now that I have Mr. Show memorized I think I can spot his stuff without much trouble. The rest of it's pretty bad. But I'm only three or four episodes in, so I will let you know. Also, I've started watching MONK on DVD, so I may let you know how that is a bit later. Right now I'm off to pee.
FARSCAPE IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.
I never thought I'd ever say that, especially with three boxes in the basement of nothing but X-FILES magazines, but FARSCAPE IS THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER.
The Husband and I have spent the last couple of weeks watching the first season on DVD from the library. No one I know owns it. Only a very few people I know have seen it. I think I may have caught a couple of episodes on the SciFi Channel and thought it was cool, but not enough to watch it on a regular basis. So why bother now? Well, FARSCAPE was on TV for four seasons. It was shuffled from time slot to time slot, day to day, channel to channel. The brainchild of ALIEN NATION writer Rockne S. O'Bannon, the gimmick was that many characters would be puppets created by the Jim Henson Studios. And it was in space, on a ship, so comparisons to STAR TREK were inevitable. I think the story goes that in the last season, even though it was one of if not the SciFi Channel's top rated show, they slashed the budget and wouldn't give them a consistent time slot, THEN they wouldn't give a straight answer as to the fate of the show. The producers struggled to make a final season with what little they had, and expecting to return for a fifth season they produced a cliffhanging season finale. At the last minute, SciFi Channel canceled the show, and fans tried valiantly to save it with a letter writing campaign, but for naught. Except that this month SciFi Channel is broadcasting a four hour mini-series closing up all the loose ends, called The Peacekeeper Wars. The trailer was badass so I've been working my way through the show. I'm never going to finish in time for the mini-series, but I'm trying.
I seriously don't want it to end.
FARSCAPE is the story of John Crichton. He's a scientist who devised a way to use the Earth's gravitational fields to propel spaceships. During a test flight of his ship Farscape, he creates a wormhole which deposits him on the other side of the universe. After accidentally destroying another ship upon his exit, he is taken aboard Moya, a bio-mechanical craft, where he finds himself among a ragtag crew of escaped prisoners. They travel through the galaxy avoiding those who wish to re-imprison them, hoping to make their way back to their respective home worlds.
Now, while this may sound vaguely STAR TREKish, let me assure this kicks so much more ass. This show is incredibly well written and well acted. Humorous and sad and snarky and passionate, FARSCAPE covers all the bases. IT MUST BE WATCHED IN ORDER, because the greatest thing about it is the attention given to character development. Every adventure in every episode impacts upon every character, and everything they do after that point can be seen as being a result of what has come before. Friendships are forged and alliances are broken; respect is hard won and you see every moment of how it all came to be. It's an incredible attention to detail that you rarely see in episodic television.
As to the characters, I love each and every one of them. They all keep secrets close to their chests, very rarely letting each other or us see what makes them tick. But when they finally reveal those things about themselves those truths are hard fought for, making those moments precious.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's almost as though you are a member of the crew. Most of the action takes place on Moya, so the show is very confining and claustrophobic. There is no "prime directive," so alien encounters are often violent.
Every episode I'm either laughing or crying. It's just so much fun. John has a reluctant love interest on the show, Aeryn Sun, a "Peacekeeper" (they're a race of soldiers for hire--you're basically taken from your home at a young age and conscripted into a military where your whole life is lived for your unit and your ultimate disgrace is to fail in battle). The episode where they first kissed was filled with so much tension that when they finally did it The Husband and I were both jumping up and down in our seats, clapping and laughing and cheering and crying (well, I was the one crying). But it was so awesome. I was so happy for them.
I know it's just a TV show.
So right now Crichton is floating in space with companion D'Argo, who can survive in vacuum for 15 minutes but who is now unconscious. Aeryn is in a small ship trying to rescue them but can't because they're surrounded by Peacekeepers. Moya has fled because of the danger of capture. And that's where season one ended. AND I'M FOURTH ON THE WAITING LIST FOR SEASON TWO AT THE LIBRARY!!!! ARGH!!! AND BLOCKBUSTER DOESN'T CARRY IT!!! ARGH!!!
So check it out. It's a committment, but I assure you it's well worth your while.
PS THE BEN STILLER SHOW isn't. Except for those parts which I'm totally sure were written by Bob Odenkirk, because now that I have Mr. Show memorized I think I can spot his stuff without much trouble. The rest of it's pretty bad. But I'm only three or four episodes in, so I will let you know. Also, I've started watching MONK on DVD, so I may let you know how that is a bit later. Right now I'm off to pee.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
review--LOST
You might be hooked on a tv show when...
You're already hanging out on message boards looking for spoilers, and it's only the second episode.
Or you may be lame. One or the other.
LOST is the new show on ABC Wednesday nights at 8pm. This is the same time as AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL on UPN, and it's causing considerable headaches. Last night I thought, well, I'll tape one while I watch the other, but we don't have cable or TIVO and The Husband was downstairs in the living room "studying" (that's the French word for "napping") so I was shit out of luck and spent the hour flipping back and forth. So apparently LOST is this show about Tyra Banks leading a group of adventurer models and they crash on an island and all they have to survive are bikinis and a makeup artist. Or something like that.
It's actually more about Matthew Fox, the oldest brother on PARTY OF FIVE, and he's a doctor and he may have a drinking problem and his flight crashes on an island way far away from where the plane was supposed to be going. Around 48 people survive the crash and quite a few of them are introduced right up front. Presumably we'll get to meet all of them by the middle of the season.
This is all very soap opera-y, so pay attention...
Matthew Fox is Jack, the aforementioned doctor. Kate is the hottie tough girl whom he will eventually sleep with, just you watch. She was being transported to the US by a Federal Marshal, for what they haven't said. Boone and Shannon are "brother and sister." I put that in quotes because she may have totally been lying. Shannon knows French and is convinced they'll be rescued so she spends a lot of time on her personal grooming. Charlie is the heroin addicted bass player for a faded out rock band who happens to have a small stash on him. Hurley is the amiable fat guy. Michael is there with his son, Walt, whom he hasn't seen in a long time. Walt's mother just died. Walt has just been befriended by totally insane crazy person Locke. How crazy we just don't know. Sawyer is also totally crazy; he's a chain-smoker, so we know he's going to come in handy. Sayid used to be in the Iraqi Republican Guard, but he seems really cool. Jin and Sun are Korean and appear to speak no English and have totally separated themselves from everyone else. I think he may be her pimp; they just have a really weird relationship where he won't let her talk to anyone and he's always yelling at her. But I could be wrong. And then Claire's young and 8 months pregnant and she totally shouldn't have been flying. I expect she's totally going to die in childbirth. There are also some others orbiting around these guys, like an older woman who was sitting next to Jack on the plane, and the Federal Marshal. He's got a big piece of plane in his gut, though, so he's not going to be around much longer.
So why is this show so awesome? Well, first of all it springs forth from the mind of JJ Abrams, who is the creative genius behind ALIAS. And I think you know the love/hate relationship I have with that show. Like ALIAS, the first episode of LOST was kind of lame, picking up considerably when the giant monster chewed up the pilot and spit him out into a tree.
Giant monster, you ask? That's the second reason this show is so awesome, GIANT PEOPLE EATING MONSTER. No one's actually seen it yet, it's just been running around in the forest knocking over trees and making noise and eating pilots. Does it have a preference for people? Who knows? There are other animals on the island you'd think would be good food for a giant monster. Like the polar bears.
Polar bears, you ask? Hmm, yeah, that's reason number three. In the second episode Sawyer kills a polar bear. What's a polar bear doing on a tropical island? If they can get to the French lady, she might know.
French lady, you ask? Apparently, there's some French lady somewhere on the island. Sayid picks up a transmission with the plane's radio, where the French lady talks about "everyone being dead," and she being "the only one left," and "the big thing ate them all." And that's when all the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. And then there was the disembodied male voice counting during the transmission. Sayid theorized it was the number of times the French lady's message had looped, meaning that the distress call was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!!
That's kind of when I almost peed my pants.
I shouldn't really be giving a review of this because it's only two episodes old, but I'm excited that there's a fairly interesting show on the air that's mysterious and thought-provoking and speculative as X-FILES was for me. It may end up totally sucking ass. People on the boards are coming up with all these theories about how this is all in Jack's mind, that these are all people he's killed practicing as a doctor; that they're in the Bermuda Triangle (even though that's on the other side of the planet from where they are) or Eden or Limbo; that there's no monster, the polar bear was a mutated dog, they're on a secret military research base. It's fun to guess.
Ain't It Cool News has an interview with the other LOST guy, Damon Lindelof, and he basically says a lot of the inspiration for the show came from Stephen King's THE STAND, which kicks ass.
....I totally just spaced out on the message boards. Someone was mentioning that JJ Abrams is addicted to the number 47 (like Chris Carter was addicted to 1013 and 1121) and that 48 could mean that SOMEONE ON THE ISLAND IS ACTUALLY SATAN!!!! Which kicks ass.
Maybe I'll post an update after a) I've spent at least four or five days reading message boards about the show or b) the show starts to piss me the hell off. But check it out, if you're not too engrossed in AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.
PS I must apologize for how scattered this post was. I seriously am reading message boards while writing this. Multi-tasking is my thing!!!
You're already hanging out on message boards looking for spoilers, and it's only the second episode.
Or you may be lame. One or the other.
LOST is the new show on ABC Wednesday nights at 8pm. This is the same time as AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL on UPN, and it's causing considerable headaches. Last night I thought, well, I'll tape one while I watch the other, but we don't have cable or TIVO and The Husband was downstairs in the living room "studying" (that's the French word for "napping") so I was shit out of luck and spent the hour flipping back and forth. So apparently LOST is this show about Tyra Banks leading a group of adventurer models and they crash on an island and all they have to survive are bikinis and a makeup artist. Or something like that.
It's actually more about Matthew Fox, the oldest brother on PARTY OF FIVE, and he's a doctor and he may have a drinking problem and his flight crashes on an island way far away from where the plane was supposed to be going. Around 48 people survive the crash and quite a few of them are introduced right up front. Presumably we'll get to meet all of them by the middle of the season.
This is all very soap opera-y, so pay attention...
Matthew Fox is Jack, the aforementioned doctor. Kate is the hottie tough girl whom he will eventually sleep with, just you watch. She was being transported to the US by a Federal Marshal, for what they haven't said. Boone and Shannon are "brother and sister." I put that in quotes because she may have totally been lying. Shannon knows French and is convinced they'll be rescued so she spends a lot of time on her personal grooming. Charlie is the heroin addicted bass player for a faded out rock band who happens to have a small stash on him. Hurley is the amiable fat guy. Michael is there with his son, Walt, whom he hasn't seen in a long time. Walt's mother just died. Walt has just been befriended by totally insane crazy person Locke. How crazy we just don't know. Sawyer is also totally crazy; he's a chain-smoker, so we know he's going to come in handy. Sayid used to be in the Iraqi Republican Guard, but he seems really cool. Jin and Sun are Korean and appear to speak no English and have totally separated themselves from everyone else. I think he may be her pimp; they just have a really weird relationship where he won't let her talk to anyone and he's always yelling at her. But I could be wrong. And then Claire's young and 8 months pregnant and she totally shouldn't have been flying. I expect she's totally going to die in childbirth. There are also some others orbiting around these guys, like an older woman who was sitting next to Jack on the plane, and the Federal Marshal. He's got a big piece of plane in his gut, though, so he's not going to be around much longer.
So why is this show so awesome? Well, first of all it springs forth from the mind of JJ Abrams, who is the creative genius behind ALIAS. And I think you know the love/hate relationship I have with that show. Like ALIAS, the first episode of LOST was kind of lame, picking up considerably when the giant monster chewed up the pilot and spit him out into a tree.
Giant monster, you ask? That's the second reason this show is so awesome, GIANT PEOPLE EATING MONSTER. No one's actually seen it yet, it's just been running around in the forest knocking over trees and making noise and eating pilots. Does it have a preference for people? Who knows? There are other animals on the island you'd think would be good food for a giant monster. Like the polar bears.
Polar bears, you ask? Hmm, yeah, that's reason number three. In the second episode Sawyer kills a polar bear. What's a polar bear doing on a tropical island? If they can get to the French lady, she might know.
French lady, you ask? Apparently, there's some French lady somewhere on the island. Sayid picks up a transmission with the plane's radio, where the French lady talks about "everyone being dead," and she being "the only one left," and "the big thing ate them all." And that's when all the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. And then there was the disembodied male voice counting during the transmission. Sayid theorized it was the number of times the French lady's message had looped, meaning that the distress call was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!!
That's kind of when I almost peed my pants.
I shouldn't really be giving a review of this because it's only two episodes old, but I'm excited that there's a fairly interesting show on the air that's mysterious and thought-provoking and speculative as X-FILES was for me. It may end up totally sucking ass. People on the boards are coming up with all these theories about how this is all in Jack's mind, that these are all people he's killed practicing as a doctor; that they're in the Bermuda Triangle (even though that's on the other side of the planet from where they are) or Eden or Limbo; that there's no monster, the polar bear was a mutated dog, they're on a secret military research base. It's fun to guess.
Ain't It Cool News has an interview with the other LOST guy, Damon Lindelof, and he basically says a lot of the inspiration for the show came from Stephen King's THE STAND, which kicks ass.
....I totally just spaced out on the message boards. Someone was mentioning that JJ Abrams is addicted to the number 47 (like Chris Carter was addicted to 1013 and 1121) and that 48 could mean that SOMEONE ON THE ISLAND IS ACTUALLY SATAN!!!! Which kicks ass.
Maybe I'll post an update after a) I've spent at least four or five days reading message boards about the show or b) the show starts to piss me the hell off. But check it out, if you're not too engrossed in AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.
PS I must apologize for how scattered this post was. I seriously am reading message boards while writing this. Multi-tasking is my thing!!!
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