HEY THERE, LONG TIME, NO SEE

There's nothing like reading old blog posts to make you think, "Wow, I totally don't remember any of that."

THEY STOLE MY IDEA

Many moons ago, I told you about the movie I was going to make, an epic on the scale of Independence Day or anything else with Will Smith in it. You may have thought I was a one-trick pony when it comes to film making, but I have other ideas up my sleeve.

Once upon a time, I lived with a Good Friend who had a crush on Jeff Goldblum. Not having any skills relating to successfully stalking people, we decided that the best way to meet Jeff Goldblum and showcase Good Friend's wonderful personality, startling intellect and charismatic street-smarts would be to write, produce, direct and star in our own movie, which would also somehow involve Jeff Goldblum. So that the meeting and the stupefying could commence unimpeded.

What movie did we come up with? We didn't really have a name for it, but it was a bit of a political thriller/tearful coming-of-age story/breezy romantic comedy/feel-good event of the summer kind of movie. The plot was such:

Good Friend and I star as friends (such a stretch) who, concerned by the thousands of deaths/thousands of debilitating head injuries each year, decide that what needs to happen in the US is for a law to be passed mandating that everyone, from infancy to death, be required by law to wear a helmet. Seat belts alone are not the answer! Helmets while bike riding don't go far enough! What if you slip in the shower? Fall on ice? Tumble down stairs? Get pushed over at an Aerosmith concert? No, the only way to keep Americans safe is mandatory helmets.

Now, the big point I've left out is an important one: these helmets are not just any helmet. See, the helmets Good Friend and I designed have a bump on the front. So the helmet sort of looks like it has a big, bulbous bill on the front. This is so that should you fall forward while wearing your helmet and you land face down in some body of water like a puddle or a small pond or whatnot you will be protected from drowning by the bubble on the front of the helmet. It keeps your face out of the water, you see. This is especially important for babies, because statistics show they apparently are susceptible to drowning. Or so I've heard.

So Good Friend and I start a grassroots campaign that takes us all the way to the hallowed halls of Congress, where we meet with our State Representative Jeff Goldblum, and his intrepid personal assistant Whichever Celebrity I'm Currently In Love With. Lots of comedic hijinks ensue. Everyone falls in love, and everyone else avoids irreversible brain damage. THE END.

So today while surfing the Internet, I discovered that a company has created helmets for babies. And while there isn't a bump on the front to prevent drowning, I'm sure it's on someone's drawing board somewhere.

So I'm putting it here, on the Internet, so that should you see a baby wearing a helmet with a bump on the front to prevent drowning, you'll know where it came from and where to send the royalty check. And also where to let Jeff Goldblum know who he needs to get in touch with if he ever wants free sex. I have Good Friend's number, if he wants it.

BOOYAH

YOU'VE GOT TO FOLLOW YOUR BALLOON

Okay, this is some truly scary, fucked up shit right here. At first, I thought this was an April Fools joke because it was in this month's WIRED next to some famous April Fools jokes. But apparently it's totally true, and no one is reporting it.

HELIUM, IF CONSUMED AT IT'S CURRENT RATE, IS PROJECTED TO RUN OUT IN NINE YEARS.

Can you fucking believe that? NO MORE HELIUM. And apparently you can't just make more of it if you run out, because it's produced over millions of years of radioactive decay.

We're going to RUN OUT of an ELEMENT in NINE YEARS.

What the FUCK?!?!?!

Okay, maybe the article says it'll run out in Texas where they make it in the US, but still.

IS THAT MINE?

There's nothing like working your way through yummy Bob Evans turkey dinner leftovers, only to find a gigantically long hair in the mashed potatoes.

It's probably mine, but still...yuck.

At least the dinner roll wasn't touching it. Mmmm, fluffy dinner roll.

JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CLAP A LOT

I don't know how long this will be online, and I can't figure out how to host it...

Saturday at Comic-con, the entire cast and crew of X-Files made their first ever convention appearance together. I'd joked to The Husband that I was totally going to go, because this was a once-in-a-lifetime event. Seriously, David Duchovny AND Gillian Anderson, on stage, together? But unfortunately I forgot all about it and didn't go, hahaha. But someone was nice enough to record the teaser trailer for the new X-Files movie that they apparently showed, and they stuck it on YouTube.

By the way, I totally got chills when Mulder and Scully appeared on screen and everybody started cheering.

Oh, and YAY BILLY CONNOLLY.




ETA: TOO CUTE.

SHE GOT BETTE DAVIS EYES

I'm listening to random stuff while I work on the bindery shipment.

Kim Carnes's "Bette Davis Eyes" just came on.

For some reason, I always thought the line was, "She's precocious, and she knows just what it takes to make a crow blush."

The hell? How did I ever convince myself that that made any kind of sense?

THIS IS A TEST

Today, I've run headlong into the hell that is piracy and Hollywood's life in the dark ages.

(This is going to involve me admitting something I'm incredibly ashamed of, but please don't mock me. Or at least, don't mock me a lot.)

For some bizarre reason, I've been particularly determined to watch EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH. I've seen it before, it's a silly movie. But for some reason I've REALLY wanted to watch it. I've been to two Targets trying to find a copy. And wouldn't you know, they had it on sale, but only in full screen.

So I go on the internets and try to find it streaming somewhere. I'm in the Hulu beta, but there aren't any movies there. It's on iTunes, but I need the newest version. There's an entry on Amazon's download service, but I need their player. Same for CinemaNow. I'm like, ALL I WANT TO DO IS WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE HOW MANY THINGS DO I HAVE TO DOWNLOAD AND HOW MANY HOOPS MUST I JUMP THROUGH!?!?! Like seriously, I'm willing to pay and everything. Just put it on my computer already.

Argh. I was seriously like, fuck it, I'll go on Pirate Bay and get the fucking thing on Divx. But then I was like, fuck it, I'm not going to prison just cuz I'm desperate for some hot Dane Cook action.

So I'm sitting here waiting for some stuff to finish installing. CinemaNow allows you to burn the movie to DVD and it includes all the same extras that are on the store-bought movie. Plus it has a menu and box art if you want to dress up your disc.

I will let you know how it goes.

If I spend an extra couple of bucks, Dane Cook's ass is in GOOD LUCK CHUCK. But I probably shouldn't press my luck right out of the gate like this.

I'M LAME.

How sad am I that I got REALLY excited when I saw this?



Ahhh, boxes of X-Files magazines...how I wish I had you back.

Okay, not really.

Please, New X-Files Movie, I beg of you...please don't suck.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY THAT SPECIAL

Truer words were never spoken.

I could have written this. I wish I had written this.

Heh, Duran Duran novels. Fan Fiction of the 80s. I'll admit to having written more than a couple.

See, fan fiction's always been around. And back then, we didn't even bother Mary Sue-ing ourselves. We were the story, BAY-BEE!