SPOILERS!!!
I wasn't going to review FANTASTIC FOUR, mainly because I couldn't get it up enough to care. But I've got some time to kill, so what the hell.
Here's my review: FANTASTIC FOUR doesn't suck all that much.
In filmdom, there's this certain kind of movie that exists with a certain level of quality. You know what I'm talking about...they perfected it in the 80s and 90s. Should have gone straight to video but they'd sunk a lot of money into it, and it stars people just slightly above B-list so it's probably written into someone's contract that it had to be released in theaters or we'll sue....Google the upcoming BLOODRAYNE movie. I dare you. This is the type of movie I'm talking about. It's an adaptation of a video game STARRING THE CHICK FROM TERMINATOR 3 AND BEN KINGSLEY. How fucked up is that? So it's supposed to come out in theaters but I have a sneaking suspicion it'll go right to Blockbuster. Although Ben Kingsley AND F. Murray Abraham were in SLIP STREAM with Mark Hamill, so my logic may be flawed.
But if you were to undergo a bout of insomnia like I've been recently experiencing, you'd see these movies on late late TV. Remember REMO WILLIAMS? LAKE PLACID? This is what I'm talking about.
FANTASTIC FOUR feels like a movie that were it on at 4:30 in the morning, I wouldn't turn it off, but I would flip around to see if Elimidate was on. It's not bad, it's just not all that awe-inspiring. Like, I think it could have been, but I don't know what I would have done to make it better. It's weird. It was good...but I don't know.
So Reed Richards is a scientist but he's incompetent at love and making money. So he comes up with a scheme to study dust clouds in space, but he approaches is evil arch-rival Victor von Doom for funding. So Victor gives him the money and lords over Reed that Victor had to give him money, oh and by the way Victor's dating Reed's ex-girlfriend Susan Storm. Susan's asshole Xtreme sportman brother Johnny hates Reed's right hand man Ben...it's one big happy dysfunctional family *hint hint wink wink*. Think they'll all end up happily ever after when they're superheroes?
So there's people turning into metal and going all invisible and catching on fire, and Ben's finacee Marita Covarrubias from the X-Files dumps him because he looks like a giant orange circus peanut. And there's fighting and explosions and SELF-SACRIFICE and LOVING YOUR FELLOW MAN and FIGHTING FOR WHAT'S RIGHT and YAY AMERICA!!! And then Ben hooks up with a blind chick who's black because IT'S WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE THAT COUNTS AND THAT WORKS BOTH WAYS, MISTER and Johnny's still an ass but because he's hot and is DRINKING AND PARTYING RESPONSIBLY he's now Ben's Best Friend Forever. And Susan dumps Victor because he's an ass but instead of having being hot to fall back on he's turning into a giant walking lightening rod and HE ONLY THINKS OF HIMSELF. So she hooks up with Reed because that's what the script tells her because I can't think of any other reason why anyone would pick him over Johnny except for the fact that they're brother and sister and that's illegal. THE END.
So it did have some funny moments, and the scenes where they first use their powers to save a truck full of firefighters is cool, but it's just...empty? You know how sometimes you watch movies--like take THE INCREDIBLES for example, which is basically about the same set of characters trying to work out a familial structure--and by the end of the movie you feel like you're going to start applauding because you love everyone to death and you're so happy that they won in the end and they're all better people for the experience but the growth was slow and made sense and wasn't forced? FANTASTIC FOUR's not like that. It was serviceable, but not Rah-Rah. I don't know. It was what it was, and didn't try any harder than that, I guess is what I'm saying, so on those merits it was enjoyable. It should have been BUCKAROO BONSAI and ended up being DELTA FORCE.
And Chris Evans's hip bones were nowhere near as hot as Ryan Reynolds's.
Next: Hell if I know. I may review MINDHUNTERS, which I just saw at the dollar theater with the husband and ended up being KICK ASS. WHAT A SURPRISE FOR ONCE!!! Awesome, awesome movie.
I'm going to pee.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
review--LAND OF THE DEAD
SPOILERS!!!
So right now it's 10:07pm and I was lucky enough to catch the tail-end of the "Damned If You Do" episode of HOUSE, which I'd never seen. Oh, yeah, and I went with The Brother to a sneak preview of Romero's LAND OF THE DEAD. Hugh Laurie in a turtleneck...yum.
But that's not why you're reading...you want dead people and guts. Okay, here it goes...
I think I may have told you a while back that I used to have this THING about GORE. I had a small problem with it, being that I couldn't watch it. But now that I'm in my thirties my stomach and I have gotten over it and now I can watch just about anything as long as it's still not ALIEN. Because I will NEVER EVER EVER watch ALIEN EVER. Even though I've now seen lots of pictures of John Hurt with a chestburster bursting out of his chest, and have not lost my senses and facilities, I'm still not going to watch it.
So needless to say I grew up without the benefit of a lot of the greatest horror movies of all time. It wasn't until college that I started to catch up, and even then it was kind of hit and miss. Like John Carpenter's PRINCE OF DARKNESS. I literally FLED halfway through that movie. I spent the remaining time in the hall outside my dorm room crying because I was so scared. Forced The Husband to watch it not too long ago; "Seriously, it's the scariest movie you will ever see!" I think I told him. That ended up being a bit of an exaggeration. THE EXORCIST? Also made me cry. I had a big paper to write that night, too. Satan apparently stays away if you've got a paper due. EVIL DEAD? Made me cry. And chain smoke for a half hour.
I knew I'd reached a turning point when a friend and I went to an all night horror marathon and I laughed my way through LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, which both my friend and my aunt said was the most disturbing film they'd ever seen. And my aunt is something of a horror aficionado so I kind of believed her. But it was still funny.
Does being completely desensitized make you a bad person?
So just this last year, at the urging of The Brother, I finally caught up on my Romero. DAWN OF THE DEAD, the original one, is all sorts of KICK ASS. It takes place in a mall, where four people run to hide from a horde of zombies. It reminded me of the 80s masterpiece NIGHT OF THE COMET. Valley girls, upon discovering they are the last people on earth, head for the mall to try stuff on. In both films, there's a novelty about having the place all to yourself that eventually wears off when you realize the finality of your predicament. DAWN OF THE DEAD was supposed to be social commentary about consumerism: when the zombies finally invade the mall, they lumber around and window shop, just like they did in life.
DAY OF THE DEAD, the next in the series, was supposed to reflect the detactment of the 80s. Everyone out for themselves. Not a care in the world for anyone else. Military versus Science. The Brother explained that the final film wasn't what Romero wanted, that he ran out of time and money. It's not that great of a film, although it has its moments.
So finally comes LAND OF THE DEAD, which exists in a limbo of NOW and SOME INDETERMINANT TIME SINCE THE LAST MOVIE, where zombies and humans have sort of reached a harmonic balance. Zombies still eat people, and people still shoot zombies in the head, but it doesn't happen with much frequency. Humanity has holed itself up in what are essentially "gated communities:" Pittsburg is chained in, the wealthy living in ivory towers of luxury, oblivious to the suffering of the poor in the streets and the death that still occurs. Some of the poor make a living running errands outside the city, fetching food and supplies for everyone else. There's a growing resistance among the poor, wanting to fight against the inequality, but the rich have that taken care of easily enough. Meanwhile, the zombies have begun trying to rebuild some semblence of the lives they once had: one pumps gas for cars that don't come, two teenagers hold hands, a cheerleader still carries her pompoms. And one gets smart, learning how to fire a gun and recognizing the shining beacon of an office tower for what it means, and he leads the others toward the city to get what's theirs.
So call it a kinder, gentler zombie movie for the new millennium. I know that sounds crazy, because lots of guts are eaten and heads are torn off, but let's look at the facts:
1) The Good Guys are multi-ethnic. Seriously, you have White Guy, Latino Guy, Samoan Guy, Disfigured Retarded Guy, Tough White Chick, Tough European Chick, Lame Skateboarder Dude, Irish Guy Leading The Resistance...seriously, it's crazy. There's a DWARF, for chrissakes.
2) The Bad Guys are all white. And old. And they talk like George W. Bush. And they're racists. And they have black servants. Even in the apocolypse, they have Negro Servants. What's up with that? Although you know that would totally happen, the bastards.
3) Zombies have feelings. They care, like you and me. Head zombie dude kills another zombie who accidentally catches fire, presumably to put him out of his misery. It was actually kind of cool and sad.
4) Everybody loves everybody else. You get bit, they don't hesitate to shoot you in the head before you turn, but Man, do they feel bad about it. They all watch each others' backs, and they do what they do for The People.
5) The Bad Guys talk about how people are expendable and replaceable. They shoot people just for looking at them wrong, and they call our heroes "terrorists." BOO!
The end of this film, however, is the BEST. Our heroes, realizing the zombies have infiltrated the city, rush back with weapons to help. But they're too late!!! The zombies are chowing down on innocents! But they blow the suckers to Hell anyway, crying at the souls lost because They Were Too Late, but LOOK!!! There are survivors!! And Thank God, they're led by Irish Guy Leading The Resistance!! Thank God HE of all people survived!! Who knows what would have happened if the two chicks making out at the taco stand had made it out.
And then...The Tough White Chick spots a gang of zombies moving across a bridge into...who knows? "I'm going to kill them!" she says. But her hand is stayed by The Touchy-Feely New Age White Guy Leader. He looks through the binoculars and sees Head Zombie Dude looking back at him.
"Leave them be," he says. "They're just looking for a place of their own...like us."
And then he blows a kiss at Head Zombie Dude and Head Zombie Dude sheds a tear for the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name And Can Never Be.
And then The Heroes drive off into the sunrise under a hail of Fireworks!!! YAY AMERICA!!!
Okay, the kiss part didn't happen. But the rest of it did.
So my review? Well, I had fun. It was a fun zombie movie. Greatest movie ever made? Well...that honor still belongs to THE CUTTING EDGE. But I'll have you know I didn't cover my eyes once!! Not even when dude was getting his guts ripped out through his mouth. And that same exact thing totally made me cry when I saw EVENT HORIZON!!!
To sum up: as The Brother put it...
WHEN THERE IS NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD SHALL WALK THE EARTH...And demand equal rights!!!
I think the zombies were a metaphor for gay people. Which means this is ANOTHER movie that is advocating gays to BLOW SHIT UP in the name of equality!!! And also tear people's gut out through their mouths. But only if that seems necessary.
REMEMBER: THE LAND OF THE DEAD was inside you the whole time. THE LAND OF THE DEAD that you were looking for...is family.
The next one should be made by Disney and star Nick Cage.
Coming up: I don't know. Stuff's coming out left and right, as it's summer. So we shall see. Fantastic Four is a definite. And...I'm drawing a total blank. This summer's movies are going to suck ass.
So right now it's 10:07pm and I was lucky enough to catch the tail-end of the "Damned If You Do" episode of HOUSE, which I'd never seen. Oh, yeah, and I went with The Brother to a sneak preview of Romero's LAND OF THE DEAD. Hugh Laurie in a turtleneck...yum.
But that's not why you're reading...you want dead people and guts. Okay, here it goes...
I think I may have told you a while back that I used to have this THING about GORE. I had a small problem with it, being that I couldn't watch it. But now that I'm in my thirties my stomach and I have gotten over it and now I can watch just about anything as long as it's still not ALIEN. Because I will NEVER EVER EVER watch ALIEN EVER. Even though I've now seen lots of pictures of John Hurt with a chestburster bursting out of his chest, and have not lost my senses and facilities, I'm still not going to watch it.
So needless to say I grew up without the benefit of a lot of the greatest horror movies of all time. It wasn't until college that I started to catch up, and even then it was kind of hit and miss. Like John Carpenter's PRINCE OF DARKNESS. I literally FLED halfway through that movie. I spent the remaining time in the hall outside my dorm room crying because I was so scared. Forced The Husband to watch it not too long ago; "Seriously, it's the scariest movie you will ever see!" I think I told him. That ended up being a bit of an exaggeration. THE EXORCIST? Also made me cry. I had a big paper to write that night, too. Satan apparently stays away if you've got a paper due. EVIL DEAD? Made me cry. And chain smoke for a half hour.
I knew I'd reached a turning point when a friend and I went to an all night horror marathon and I laughed my way through LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, which both my friend and my aunt said was the most disturbing film they'd ever seen. And my aunt is something of a horror aficionado so I kind of believed her. But it was still funny.
Does being completely desensitized make you a bad person?
So just this last year, at the urging of The Brother, I finally caught up on my Romero. DAWN OF THE DEAD, the original one, is all sorts of KICK ASS. It takes place in a mall, where four people run to hide from a horde of zombies. It reminded me of the 80s masterpiece NIGHT OF THE COMET. Valley girls, upon discovering they are the last people on earth, head for the mall to try stuff on. In both films, there's a novelty about having the place all to yourself that eventually wears off when you realize the finality of your predicament. DAWN OF THE DEAD was supposed to be social commentary about consumerism: when the zombies finally invade the mall, they lumber around and window shop, just like they did in life.
DAY OF THE DEAD, the next in the series, was supposed to reflect the detactment of the 80s. Everyone out for themselves. Not a care in the world for anyone else. Military versus Science. The Brother explained that the final film wasn't what Romero wanted, that he ran out of time and money. It's not that great of a film, although it has its moments.
So finally comes LAND OF THE DEAD, which exists in a limbo of NOW and SOME INDETERMINANT TIME SINCE THE LAST MOVIE, where zombies and humans have sort of reached a harmonic balance. Zombies still eat people, and people still shoot zombies in the head, but it doesn't happen with much frequency. Humanity has holed itself up in what are essentially "gated communities:" Pittsburg is chained in, the wealthy living in ivory towers of luxury, oblivious to the suffering of the poor in the streets and the death that still occurs. Some of the poor make a living running errands outside the city, fetching food and supplies for everyone else. There's a growing resistance among the poor, wanting to fight against the inequality, but the rich have that taken care of easily enough. Meanwhile, the zombies have begun trying to rebuild some semblence of the lives they once had: one pumps gas for cars that don't come, two teenagers hold hands, a cheerleader still carries her pompoms. And one gets smart, learning how to fire a gun and recognizing the shining beacon of an office tower for what it means, and he leads the others toward the city to get what's theirs.
So call it a kinder, gentler zombie movie for the new millennium. I know that sounds crazy, because lots of guts are eaten and heads are torn off, but let's look at the facts:
1) The Good Guys are multi-ethnic. Seriously, you have White Guy, Latino Guy, Samoan Guy, Disfigured Retarded Guy, Tough White Chick, Tough European Chick, Lame Skateboarder Dude, Irish Guy Leading The Resistance...seriously, it's crazy. There's a DWARF, for chrissakes.
2) The Bad Guys are all white. And old. And they talk like George W. Bush. And they're racists. And they have black servants. Even in the apocolypse, they have Negro Servants. What's up with that? Although you know that would totally happen, the bastards.
3) Zombies have feelings. They care, like you and me. Head zombie dude kills another zombie who accidentally catches fire, presumably to put him out of his misery. It was actually kind of cool and sad.
4) Everybody loves everybody else. You get bit, they don't hesitate to shoot you in the head before you turn, but Man, do they feel bad about it. They all watch each others' backs, and they do what they do for The People.
5) The Bad Guys talk about how people are expendable and replaceable. They shoot people just for looking at them wrong, and they call our heroes "terrorists." BOO!
The end of this film, however, is the BEST. Our heroes, realizing the zombies have infiltrated the city, rush back with weapons to help. But they're too late!!! The zombies are chowing down on innocents! But they blow the suckers to Hell anyway, crying at the souls lost because They Were Too Late, but LOOK!!! There are survivors!! And Thank God, they're led by Irish Guy Leading The Resistance!! Thank God HE of all people survived!! Who knows what would have happened if the two chicks making out at the taco stand had made it out.
And then...The Tough White Chick spots a gang of zombies moving across a bridge into...who knows? "I'm going to kill them!" she says. But her hand is stayed by The Touchy-Feely New Age White Guy Leader. He looks through the binoculars and sees Head Zombie Dude looking back at him.
"Leave them be," he says. "They're just looking for a place of their own...like us."
And then he blows a kiss at Head Zombie Dude and Head Zombie Dude sheds a tear for the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name And Can Never Be.
And then The Heroes drive off into the sunrise under a hail of Fireworks!!! YAY AMERICA!!!
Okay, the kiss part didn't happen. But the rest of it did.
So my review? Well, I had fun. It was a fun zombie movie. Greatest movie ever made? Well...that honor still belongs to THE CUTTING EDGE. But I'll have you know I didn't cover my eyes once!! Not even when dude was getting his guts ripped out through his mouth. And that same exact thing totally made me cry when I saw EVENT HORIZON!!!
To sum up: as The Brother put it...
WHEN THERE IS NO MORE ROOM IN HELL, THE DEAD SHALL WALK THE EARTH...And demand equal rights!!!
I think the zombies were a metaphor for gay people. Which means this is ANOTHER movie that is advocating gays to BLOW SHIT UP in the name of equality!!! And also tear people's gut out through their mouths. But only if that seems necessary.
REMEMBER: THE LAND OF THE DEAD was inside you the whole time. THE LAND OF THE DEAD that you were looking for...is family.
The next one should be made by Disney and star Nick Cage.
Coming up: I don't know. Stuff's coming out left and right, as it's summer. So we shall see. Fantastic Four is a definite. And...I'm drawing a total blank. This summer's movies are going to suck ass.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
review--MR. & MRS. SMITH
SPOILERS!!!
So yesterday was my second wedding anniversary. Two whole years. Goes by in a blink, when all you can think about is when the laundry's going to do itself and what's needed from the store. Seriously though, whoever said everything changes once you get that piece of paper was lying through their teeth. But of course, they also probably didn't start out thinking the ultimate romantic night out was walking off Hometown Buffet with a stroll through Target.
So, I guess you could say married life is treating me well. Or as The Therapist put it, "Kelmeister, look at your life: You're fat, you haven't started your Master's thesis, your house is a wreck, and you're the happiest you've ever been in your life." And it's true. And part of that is due to massive amounts of Prozac, and part of that is The Husband.
The only thing I would change is that I wish I could drive like Angelina Jolie in MR. & MRS. SMITH.
I don't know if you know this, but it's very difficult to review a movie that doesn't suck ass. VERY DIFFICULT. You basically say, "It kicked all sorts of ass," and then you're done. But for your sakes, I'll try to muster.
Did I ever tell you about how The Husband proposed? He came to The Job dressed as a gorilla. HA! I wish. Instead, it's an incredibly complicated story. Many years ago, before the Earth was formed, The Then-Not-Yet-Husband and I went on a trip to Cincinnati, because that's where all young lovers go. We were there to visit the museum, but when we arrived at our hotel (ROOM 1013!!! That's The X-Files' Chris Carter's Birthday! And production company! Fate was afoot!) The Then-Not-Yet-Husband sent me off for ice for the purpose of getting me out of the room for fifteen minutes. Unfortunately for me, the ice machine was in a cubby hole right next to our room, so I sat in a chair in the hall with a bucket of ice, praying no one would come by. When I was finally allowed to enter the room, The Then-Not-Yet-Husband had transformed the room into a real life romance novel, with rose petals strewn all over, and candies and chocolates and small French pastries, and champagne. And that night was the first time we confessed our undying love for one another. Awwww.
Fast forward a few years. The Then-Not-Yet-Husband's best friend is coming into town for a visit, and we're meeting her for dinner and a movie. But she's not getting into town until later; we'll meet up at the movie. He takes me out to dinner at a swanky restaurant. I'm convinced TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT: my mother gave him her engagement ring to give to me, so I knew all about the coming proposal because every time I saw my mother she'd ask if he'd asked yet. Yummy pasta ensues; no proposal. We go to the movies to see BOURNE IDENTITY. Still no friend; he's called, she's tired, we're meeting at the hotel after the movie. Okay, whatever. "You know," I says, after we sit down, "I was sure you were going to propose, what with the swanky restaurant.' The Then-Not-Yet-Husband laughs. The movie KICKS ASS. We leave and go to the hotel.
"Did you call The Best Friend?" I ask. No, but she knows we're coming. "What if she's sleeping and we wake her up?" She's not sleeping. "How do you know?"
By then, we're at her room. The Then-Not-Yet-Husband pulls out a key card. "You have a key?" I ask. Yes, she gave it to him earlier for just such an eventuality. We walk inside. All the lights are out.
"Goddamnit, she's still sleeping!" I hiss. I call out The Best Friend's name as I creep into the bedroom. The lights come on. "She's not here," I say, "where'd she go? Do you think she left without us?"
I turn around, and of course The Best Friend isn't there. It was all a scam, as the room is decorated to remind me of our night in Cincinnati. Except this time there's a bottle of Dom and an engagement ring. And an expensive designer candle that I promptly knock over on top of the TV so a half hour is spent scraping hot wax off the carpet and monitor. And we don't drink all the champagne, so an hour is spent trying to cork the bottle back up. And we have to walk fifty miles to the front door to smoke, and I'm a total mess with the hysterical crying, and the earth-shaking post-engagement sex never happens because I pretty much cry myself to sleep on the couch watching "Chef."
And that is How I Got Engaged.
So it was only appropriate that two years later we spend the day after our anniversary celebrating our anniversary by going to see BOURNE IDENTITY BUT WITH WAY HOTTER ACTORS AND MORE EXPLOSIONS, AND IT'S ALSO A METAPHOR FOR MODERN MARRIAGE.
MR. & MRS. SMITH stars two people I normally don't really care about, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, basically acting their socks off, if they were actually wearing socks. They're a married couple on the verge of divorce, until they learn that they're both hit men and they have to kill each other. But then they join forces because they actually do love each other, and because of the First Law of SPEED the sex is now totally incredible, and so they go on a rampage and blow lots of shit up and look beautiful doing it, and Vince Vaugh is in it and he's totally a part of my Imaginary Harem because he rocks all kinds of shit. And there's therapy and pot roast and David Duchovny's ex-girlfriend Perrey Reeves and Jennifer Morrison from HOUSE and Adrian Brody from the OC which I know about even though I totally DO NOT watch that show, and shit blowing up while looking beautiful doing it, and then I totally cried at the end because the movie just goes to prove that EVERYTHING THE REPUBLICANS EVER SAID ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE IS TOTALLY TRUE, especially if shit blows up.
Gays, get out there and start blowing some shit up, and then they CANNOT DENY YOU the right to marry!!!
Let me just interject here that I don't give a Rat's Flaming Ass if Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. It is totally beneath me to care. Although I totally believe it's because he wanted to have children and she wanted to concentrate on her career. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And I'm not one to pass judgment, especially over people I don't even know. But seriously, I would leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. She's SMOKIN' HOT. And I'm not even a lesbian. I read an interview where the writer was talking about how Angelina Jolie doesn't care about POP CULTURE, she's worrying about REAL THINGS THAT MATTER, and that is so awesome. I wish I could do that. I mean, I do care. And if I didn't have to work or write this blog and I was a millionaire, I'd do stuff, too.
But luckily for you, I'm sitting right where I am.
Anyway, this movie is the dog's balls. It's really funny. I don't think I've had that much fun at a movie in a long while. And Brangelina have tons--TONS--of chemistry. Seriously, this sounds really trite and crass and like I'm really old, but they are a joy to watch. I giggled--GIGGLED--when they argued. They were really cute kicking the crap out of one another.
So now I think that they're actually half-decent actors. And the script was very clever in its use of layered dialogue: are they talking about their jobs or their marriage? Very intelligent. Very witty. Brad Pitt did some great physical gags, too. And there were many spectacular explosions.
Well, I'm off to bed. I wish I could say that I was going to partake in some post-anniversary sex, but The Husband just bought an Xbox, and a man's gotta have his priorities. I can't complain: I've got about forty pages left in my rereading of The Amityville Horror. Gots to cue up the VCR; since I started rereading this, I've not been able to sleep without the TV on. I'm lame.
"Jodie's my friend. Jodie's a pig."
Seriously, saw the movie, and except for Ryan Reynolds's hip bones...not much worth seeing. The book's a billion times scarier.
Ryan Reynolds's hip bones are my new imaginary boyfriend. Did you know he's married to Alanis Morrissette? It's true! And his character shot Scully on The X-Files. But I think I told you that already.
Next up: BATMAN BEGINS on Saturday. Then LAND OF THE DEAD. Then, who knows?
PS: If The Husband reads this..."10." He'll know what it means.
So yesterday was my second wedding anniversary. Two whole years. Goes by in a blink, when all you can think about is when the laundry's going to do itself and what's needed from the store. Seriously though, whoever said everything changes once you get that piece of paper was lying through their teeth. But of course, they also probably didn't start out thinking the ultimate romantic night out was walking off Hometown Buffet with a stroll through Target.
So, I guess you could say married life is treating me well. Or as The Therapist put it, "Kelmeister, look at your life: You're fat, you haven't started your Master's thesis, your house is a wreck, and you're the happiest you've ever been in your life." And it's true. And part of that is due to massive amounts of Prozac, and part of that is The Husband.
The only thing I would change is that I wish I could drive like Angelina Jolie in MR. & MRS. SMITH.
I don't know if you know this, but it's very difficult to review a movie that doesn't suck ass. VERY DIFFICULT. You basically say, "It kicked all sorts of ass," and then you're done. But for your sakes, I'll try to muster.
Did I ever tell you about how The Husband proposed? He came to The Job dressed as a gorilla. HA! I wish. Instead, it's an incredibly complicated story. Many years ago, before the Earth was formed, The Then-Not-Yet-Husband and I went on a trip to Cincinnati, because that's where all young lovers go. We were there to visit the museum, but when we arrived at our hotel (ROOM 1013!!! That's The X-Files' Chris Carter's Birthday! And production company! Fate was afoot!) The Then-Not-Yet-Husband sent me off for ice for the purpose of getting me out of the room for fifteen minutes. Unfortunately for me, the ice machine was in a cubby hole right next to our room, so I sat in a chair in the hall with a bucket of ice, praying no one would come by. When I was finally allowed to enter the room, The Then-Not-Yet-Husband had transformed the room into a real life romance novel, with rose petals strewn all over, and candies and chocolates and small French pastries, and champagne. And that night was the first time we confessed our undying love for one another. Awwww.
Fast forward a few years. The Then-Not-Yet-Husband's best friend is coming into town for a visit, and we're meeting her for dinner and a movie. But she's not getting into town until later; we'll meet up at the movie. He takes me out to dinner at a swanky restaurant. I'm convinced TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT: my mother gave him her engagement ring to give to me, so I knew all about the coming proposal because every time I saw my mother she'd ask if he'd asked yet. Yummy pasta ensues; no proposal. We go to the movies to see BOURNE IDENTITY. Still no friend; he's called, she's tired, we're meeting at the hotel after the movie. Okay, whatever. "You know," I says, after we sit down, "I was sure you were going to propose, what with the swanky restaurant.' The Then-Not-Yet-Husband laughs. The movie KICKS ASS. We leave and go to the hotel.
"Did you call The Best Friend?" I ask. No, but she knows we're coming. "What if she's sleeping and we wake her up?" She's not sleeping. "How do you know?"
By then, we're at her room. The Then-Not-Yet-Husband pulls out a key card. "You have a key?" I ask. Yes, she gave it to him earlier for just such an eventuality. We walk inside. All the lights are out.
"Goddamnit, she's still sleeping!" I hiss. I call out The Best Friend's name as I creep into the bedroom. The lights come on. "She's not here," I say, "where'd she go? Do you think she left without us?"
I turn around, and of course The Best Friend isn't there. It was all a scam, as the room is decorated to remind me of our night in Cincinnati. Except this time there's a bottle of Dom and an engagement ring. And an expensive designer candle that I promptly knock over on top of the TV so a half hour is spent scraping hot wax off the carpet and monitor. And we don't drink all the champagne, so an hour is spent trying to cork the bottle back up. And we have to walk fifty miles to the front door to smoke, and I'm a total mess with the hysterical crying, and the earth-shaking post-engagement sex never happens because I pretty much cry myself to sleep on the couch watching "Chef."
And that is How I Got Engaged.
So it was only appropriate that two years later we spend the day after our anniversary celebrating our anniversary by going to see BOURNE IDENTITY BUT WITH WAY HOTTER ACTORS AND MORE EXPLOSIONS, AND IT'S ALSO A METAPHOR FOR MODERN MARRIAGE.
MR. & MRS. SMITH stars two people I normally don't really care about, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, basically acting their socks off, if they were actually wearing socks. They're a married couple on the verge of divorce, until they learn that they're both hit men and they have to kill each other. But then they join forces because they actually do love each other, and because of the First Law of SPEED the sex is now totally incredible, and so they go on a rampage and blow lots of shit up and look beautiful doing it, and Vince Vaugh is in it and he's totally a part of my Imaginary Harem because he rocks all kinds of shit. And there's therapy and pot roast and David Duchovny's ex-girlfriend Perrey Reeves and Jennifer Morrison from HOUSE and Adrian Brody from the OC which I know about even though I totally DO NOT watch that show, and shit blowing up while looking beautiful doing it, and then I totally cried at the end because the movie just goes to prove that EVERYTHING THE REPUBLICANS EVER SAID ABOUT THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE IS TOTALLY TRUE, especially if shit blows up.
Gays, get out there and start blowing some shit up, and then they CANNOT DENY YOU the right to marry!!!
Let me just interject here that I don't give a Rat's Flaming Ass if Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. It is totally beneath me to care. Although I totally believe it's because he wanted to have children and she wanted to concentrate on her career. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And I'm not one to pass judgment, especially over people I don't even know. But seriously, I would leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. She's SMOKIN' HOT. And I'm not even a lesbian. I read an interview where the writer was talking about how Angelina Jolie doesn't care about POP CULTURE, she's worrying about REAL THINGS THAT MATTER, and that is so awesome. I wish I could do that. I mean, I do care. And if I didn't have to work or write this blog and I was a millionaire, I'd do stuff, too.
But luckily for you, I'm sitting right where I am.
Anyway, this movie is the dog's balls. It's really funny. I don't think I've had that much fun at a movie in a long while. And Brangelina have tons--TONS--of chemistry. Seriously, this sounds really trite and crass and like I'm really old, but they are a joy to watch. I giggled--GIGGLED--when they argued. They were really cute kicking the crap out of one another.
So now I think that they're actually half-decent actors. And the script was very clever in its use of layered dialogue: are they talking about their jobs or their marriage? Very intelligent. Very witty. Brad Pitt did some great physical gags, too. And there were many spectacular explosions.
Well, I'm off to bed. I wish I could say that I was going to partake in some post-anniversary sex, but The Husband just bought an Xbox, and a man's gotta have his priorities. I can't complain: I've got about forty pages left in my rereading of The Amityville Horror. Gots to cue up the VCR; since I started rereading this, I've not been able to sleep without the TV on. I'm lame.
"Jodie's my friend. Jodie's a pig."
Seriously, saw the movie, and except for Ryan Reynolds's hip bones...not much worth seeing. The book's a billion times scarier.
Ryan Reynolds's hip bones are my new imaginary boyfriend. Did you know he's married to Alanis Morrissette? It's true! And his character shot Scully on The X-Files. But I think I told you that already.
Next up: BATMAN BEGINS on Saturday. Then LAND OF THE DEAD. Then, who knows?
PS: If The Husband reads this..."10." He'll know what it means.
Friday, June 3, 2005
interlude--Magical Musical Meme
This challenge comes from Nala over at Naladahc.com, an entity I like to think of as my "blogging mentor." So when he says jump, I ask how high. And then when I land I kick him in the balls for ordering me around.
I'd like to begin by saying I own a Creative Nomad Jukebox Zen Xtra, 40GB. I own, like, five CDs and they're all Duran Duran, so imagine my surprize when I when I went to check how much space I have!!! What is all this crap? And where did it come from?
Total volume of music files on my computer:
Stuff on my computer is either all over the place waiting to get transfered to my Zen or it's stuff from my Zen that I'm holding in protective custody. I tried backing up my CDs on my computer and ended up killing the hard drive: too much stuff.
My Zen has 4678 songs, 18578 MB. I don't know how much that is in GB. Some of those are duplicates; I have 3 copies of Hooverphonic's 2Wicky on three different albums. Why, I don't know.
The last CD I bought:
The last physical CD I bought was Beneath... Between... Beyond by Static-X. I bought that on 5/27/05. The last CD I bought was Poison Arrows by Communique, purchased from iTunes on 6/1/05.
Song playing right now:
A Praise Chorus by Jimmy Eat World.
Five songs I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:
In heavy rotation on my player right now:
1. "Back That Azz Up" - Juvenile
2. "A.D.D." - System Of A Down
3. "Long, Long Road" - Bo Bice, American Idol Finals Show
4. "Fix Up Look Sharp" - Dizzee Rascal
5. "Fuck The World" - Insane Clown Posse
Five songs that I'd have with me on a desert island to remind me what I'm missing:
* "The Promise" - When In Rome
* "Try" - Billy Pilgrim
* "Walk On The Ocean" - Toad The Wet Sprocket
* "How Will You Go" - Crowded House
* "Palomino" - Duran Duran
Five people to whom I知 passing this baton:
Hell, I don't know. Who do I know who Blogs? Besides the usual suspects who've already been called out by Nala. Fuck it.
I'd like to begin by saying I own a Creative Nomad Jukebox Zen Xtra, 40GB. I own, like, five CDs and they're all Duran Duran, so imagine my surprize when I when I went to check how much space I have!!! What is all this crap? And where did it come from?
Total volume of music files on my computer:
Stuff on my computer is either all over the place waiting to get transfered to my Zen or it's stuff from my Zen that I'm holding in protective custody. I tried backing up my CDs on my computer and ended up killing the hard drive: too much stuff.
My Zen has 4678 songs, 18578 MB. I don't know how much that is in GB. Some of those are duplicates; I have 3 copies of Hooverphonic's 2Wicky on three different albums. Why, I don't know.
The last CD I bought:
The last physical CD I bought was Beneath... Between... Beyond by Static-X. I bought that on 5/27/05. The last CD I bought was Poison Arrows by Communique, purchased from iTunes on 6/1/05.
Song playing right now:
A Praise Chorus by Jimmy Eat World.
Five songs I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:
In heavy rotation on my player right now:
1. "Back That Azz Up" - Juvenile
2. "A.D.D." - System Of A Down
3. "Long, Long Road" - Bo Bice, American Idol Finals Show
4. "Fix Up Look Sharp" - Dizzee Rascal
5. "Fuck The World" - Insane Clown Posse
Five songs that I'd have with me on a desert island to remind me what I'm missing:
* "The Promise" - When In Rome
* "Try" - Billy Pilgrim
* "Walk On The Ocean" - Toad The Wet Sprocket
* "How Will You Go" - Crowded House
* "Palomino" - Duran Duran
Five people to whom I知 passing this baton:
Hell, I don't know. Who do I know who Blogs? Besides the usual suspects who've already been called out by Nala. Fuck it.
Friday, May 20, 2005
review--THE RING 2
SPOILERS!!!
Here's a question:
Why is Indian food so yummy? It's like eating booze: it's all warm going down and it makes you feel real good. Even the burps are delicious. Indian food is the BEST!!! Except maybe for Japanese food. Making an ass out of yourself with utensils kicks ass!! And those red bean paste thingies, daifuku: they are the grossest things I've ever experienced and yet they are SO GOOD. What's up with that?
Horror films in general are like daifuku: our natural tendency is to reject them outright because of their weird gelatinous rice cake outside, and we totally miss the surprisingly sweet red bean paste of humor on the inside. Because all horror movies, when you distill them to their bare essense, are really silly.
Take for instance, THE RING 2. No, please.
I don't know if you ever saw the first RING, or the original Japanese verison, RINGU. I have seen both. RINGU kicked all sorts of ass.
Here's an interlude: I've seen enough Japanese horror that I think I can safely generalize here. Japanese and American horror are incredibly different. A lot of it's on the surface; we Americans seem to revel in the splatter a little more than the Japanese. Not that they don't appreciate gore...they do. But there's a strange psychological aspect that's far more terrifying. The Husband and I have discussed this at length. There's something intrinsic about the Japanese mind and culture that America can never grasp, and you see this reflected in our "attempts" to "redo" Japanese horror for American audiences. Think of the things we fear in films: sharks, Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, zombies (even though nowadays other countries are doing zombies better than we are; George Romero, save us with your LAND OF THE DEAD!!!). Then there's Japan: a land descimated by atomic warfare; a culture that reveres the ancient, the anscestral, whose religions are seeped in supernatural; a pop sensibility that is an amalgum of many, and yet totally alone on its own island. Their horror is infused with a profound loneliness and alienation, oftentimes with a strange convergence of the technological and the spiritual that is everywhere and inescapable. And we just don't get it. Even when Freddy is chasing you in your dreams, you can still grab onto him, fight him physically. He's tangable. Michael Myers is psychotic, but he's real. I think the only thing America really does right in horror is The Devil, and it's because Christianity has permeated our consciousness to such an extent that even Islamists and Buddhists can understand the threat to our souls. Ghosts can't really hurt us because Souls are Good, if ghosts even exist. God doesn't allow such nonsense here. The threat in Japanese horror can't be touched: it's the primal raging of a wronged lost soul, and you can't stop it. The wrong can never be made right.
And that's the most important difference: in Japanese horror, Good never triumphs over Evil. And that's scary.
The first American RING movie came close to this idea by sticking to the main plot points of RINGU: the only way the Mother can save the Son is by spreading the evil, sacrificing an innocent in his stead. But where they failed is that the American version tried to give the action in the story a Reasonable and Rational Explanation. And in RINGU, there was no explanation. How could there be? Why do you need one? Why do you need to know WHY something is happening if there's no way of ever stopping it?
So RING 2 begins following the end of RING, with Rachel and her son, Aiden, moving into new digs in a small town in Washington State; they've saved themselves by showing the Samara tape to someone. Rachel, through her job on the small town paper, learns of a death she suspects involves a copy of said tape. Finding the tape, she burns it, releasing Samara's soul from the confines of the Magnetic Strip Of Doom to possess Aiden's body and attempt a real life. Stuff happens, the hottie from CBS's THE GUARDIAN gets himself killed, and Rachel saves the day twice, very anti-climatically both times. THE END.
I have to admit that I enjoyed RING 2 quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, even though there were some problems.
1) Remember the end of POLTERGEIST? How the Freeling family, having escaped the evil that sucked their youngest daughter into Limbo through the TV, go to a motel and toss the Free HBO out onto the balcony? That was AWESOME. You KNOW they're never going to enjoy a February Sweeps ever again. Beginning of RING 2? Rachel and Aiden have just escaped an evil that ATTACKS PEOPLE BY COMING THROUGH THE TV SET, and yet in their new house they have THE BIGGEST FUCKING TV SET EVER. And it's not even plasma. I don't know much about the paranormal and endoplasmic transmission, but since most psychic and supernatural occurrences involve some sort of electromagntic interference, do you think a plasma or LCD set would prevent spiritual manifestation? Just asking in case the need to buy a new set arises. But still, LADY GET RID OF THE DAMN SET!!! I seriously couldn't believe it when I saw it.
2) Rachel and Aiden TOTALLY had my living room rug from Lowe's!!! It was very distracting, because it was totally devoid of cat hair.
3) I may have mentioned this before, but I have a thing about real life stuff. As anyone living in real life would, ha ha ha. But seriously, I have to mention the AWESOMEST scene, where Aiden goes into a park bathroom and sees Samara in the mirror behind him and takes pictures of himself as she creeps up on him. THAT WAS AWESOME!!! Digital cameras scare me. As do mirrors.
Here's a fun trick: Tonight while you're brushing your teeth, when you bend over the sink to spit, think briefly how FUCKED UP it would be if you stood up and there was someone STANDING BEHIND YOU!!! TOTALLY SCARY!!! This trick also works when you have your eyes closed while washing your face, and also when you're washing your hair in the shower. Bathrooms scare me. I think this is because of THE X-FILES: nothing good ever happened in a bathroom on THE X-FILES.
4) Poor Simon Baker. All he wanted was some tail, and instead he ended up dead. There's a lesson in that somewhere.
Also: Rachel leaves him dead in a RUNNING TRUCK OUTSIDE HER HOUSE. Explain THAT ONE to the police, especially after your crazy kid left a dead doctor in his hospital room. Even though we know she's not responsible for any of it, imagine how what's going on with Rachel must look to the police. Just once I'd love to see a movie where the police are like,
"Umm, you desperately wanted your son back from Child Services so you killed his doctor, stole him from the hospital and took him home, and then killed your co-worker who came to your house, who was the person who called Child Services on you in the first place. And your defense is what?"
"I didn't do any of it. A dead girl from a videotape possessed my son."
"Umm, okay."
5) This is my biggest problem with the movie, and I will leave it at this because I have to pee and I also really should work on ordering some stuff for work. The problem with horror movies today (and I think it's due in large part to the fact that American filmmakers are dumbing them down to get a PG-13 rating and thus get a bigger audience and more money) is that people in horror films don't say "fuck" enough. Seriously, there were SO MANY TIMES during the film that if I was in that situation? I would totally say "fuck." Fuck is such an awesome word to use in situtations where you're confronted with Unimaginable, Unconquerable Evil. It fits every instance, depending only on change of inflection.
Surrounded by a pack of crazed deer? "Ffffuuuuuck." Son just morphed into a dead body in front of you? "FUCK!!!"
Seriously, if you were an Evil Spirit, and someone came at you instead of running away in fear, and she's all like, "YOU FUCKING FUCK ASS BITCH, YOU LEAVE ME AND MY SON ALONE OR I WILL SO FUCKING FUCK UP YOUR UNDEAD ASS YOU FUCKHOLE DAUGHTER OF A FUCKTARD!!!!" I know I would think twice about doing battle with her for her son's soul.
So, in conclusion, I think I'm going to write my own horror movie. I know I promised that FLUSH POINT would be out sometime in the near future, but I feel it's my civic duty to correct this injustice of language. Because if we cannot tell the Evil invading our lives to fuck off, then the fucking fuckwad terrorists have fucking won.
Here's a question:
Why is Indian food so yummy? It's like eating booze: it's all warm going down and it makes you feel real good. Even the burps are delicious. Indian food is the BEST!!! Except maybe for Japanese food. Making an ass out of yourself with utensils kicks ass!! And those red bean paste thingies, daifuku: they are the grossest things I've ever experienced and yet they are SO GOOD. What's up with that?
Horror films in general are like daifuku: our natural tendency is to reject them outright because of their weird gelatinous rice cake outside, and we totally miss the surprisingly sweet red bean paste of humor on the inside. Because all horror movies, when you distill them to their bare essense, are really silly.
Take for instance, THE RING 2. No, please.
I don't know if you ever saw the first RING, or the original Japanese verison, RINGU. I have seen both. RINGU kicked all sorts of ass.
Here's an interlude: I've seen enough Japanese horror that I think I can safely generalize here. Japanese and American horror are incredibly different. A lot of it's on the surface; we Americans seem to revel in the splatter a little more than the Japanese. Not that they don't appreciate gore...they do. But there's a strange psychological aspect that's far more terrifying. The Husband and I have discussed this at length. There's something intrinsic about the Japanese mind and culture that America can never grasp, and you see this reflected in our "attempts" to "redo" Japanese horror for American audiences. Think of the things we fear in films: sharks, Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, zombies (even though nowadays other countries are doing zombies better than we are; George Romero, save us with your LAND OF THE DEAD!!!). Then there's Japan: a land descimated by atomic warfare; a culture that reveres the ancient, the anscestral, whose religions are seeped in supernatural; a pop sensibility that is an amalgum of many, and yet totally alone on its own island. Their horror is infused with a profound loneliness and alienation, oftentimes with a strange convergence of the technological and the spiritual that is everywhere and inescapable. And we just don't get it. Even when Freddy is chasing you in your dreams, you can still grab onto him, fight him physically. He's tangable. Michael Myers is psychotic, but he's real. I think the only thing America really does right in horror is The Devil, and it's because Christianity has permeated our consciousness to such an extent that even Islamists and Buddhists can understand the threat to our souls. Ghosts can't really hurt us because Souls are Good, if ghosts even exist. God doesn't allow such nonsense here. The threat in Japanese horror can't be touched: it's the primal raging of a wronged lost soul, and you can't stop it. The wrong can never be made right.
And that's the most important difference: in Japanese horror, Good never triumphs over Evil. And that's scary.
The first American RING movie came close to this idea by sticking to the main plot points of RINGU: the only way the Mother can save the Son is by spreading the evil, sacrificing an innocent in his stead. But where they failed is that the American version tried to give the action in the story a Reasonable and Rational Explanation. And in RINGU, there was no explanation. How could there be? Why do you need one? Why do you need to know WHY something is happening if there's no way of ever stopping it?
So RING 2 begins following the end of RING, with Rachel and her son, Aiden, moving into new digs in a small town in Washington State; they've saved themselves by showing the Samara tape to someone. Rachel, through her job on the small town paper, learns of a death she suspects involves a copy of said tape. Finding the tape, she burns it, releasing Samara's soul from the confines of the Magnetic Strip Of Doom to possess Aiden's body and attempt a real life. Stuff happens, the hottie from CBS's THE GUARDIAN gets himself killed, and Rachel saves the day twice, very anti-climatically both times. THE END.
I have to admit that I enjoyed RING 2 quite a bit. It was a lot of fun, even though there were some problems.
1) Remember the end of POLTERGEIST? How the Freeling family, having escaped the evil that sucked their youngest daughter into Limbo through the TV, go to a motel and toss the Free HBO out onto the balcony? That was AWESOME. You KNOW they're never going to enjoy a February Sweeps ever again. Beginning of RING 2? Rachel and Aiden have just escaped an evil that ATTACKS PEOPLE BY COMING THROUGH THE TV SET, and yet in their new house they have THE BIGGEST FUCKING TV SET EVER. And it's not even plasma. I don't know much about the paranormal and endoplasmic transmission, but since most psychic and supernatural occurrences involve some sort of electromagntic interference, do you think a plasma or LCD set would prevent spiritual manifestation? Just asking in case the need to buy a new set arises. But still, LADY GET RID OF THE DAMN SET!!! I seriously couldn't believe it when I saw it.
2) Rachel and Aiden TOTALLY had my living room rug from Lowe's!!! It was very distracting, because it was totally devoid of cat hair.
3) I may have mentioned this before, but I have a thing about real life stuff. As anyone living in real life would, ha ha ha. But seriously, I have to mention the AWESOMEST scene, where Aiden goes into a park bathroom and sees Samara in the mirror behind him and takes pictures of himself as she creeps up on him. THAT WAS AWESOME!!! Digital cameras scare me. As do mirrors.
Here's a fun trick: Tonight while you're brushing your teeth, when you bend over the sink to spit, think briefly how FUCKED UP it would be if you stood up and there was someone STANDING BEHIND YOU!!! TOTALLY SCARY!!! This trick also works when you have your eyes closed while washing your face, and also when you're washing your hair in the shower. Bathrooms scare me. I think this is because of THE X-FILES: nothing good ever happened in a bathroom on THE X-FILES.
4) Poor Simon Baker. All he wanted was some tail, and instead he ended up dead. There's a lesson in that somewhere.
Also: Rachel leaves him dead in a RUNNING TRUCK OUTSIDE HER HOUSE. Explain THAT ONE to the police, especially after your crazy kid left a dead doctor in his hospital room. Even though we know she's not responsible for any of it, imagine how what's going on with Rachel must look to the police. Just once I'd love to see a movie where the police are like,
"Umm, you desperately wanted your son back from Child Services so you killed his doctor, stole him from the hospital and took him home, and then killed your co-worker who came to your house, who was the person who called Child Services on you in the first place. And your defense is what?"
"I didn't do any of it. A dead girl from a videotape possessed my son."
"Umm, okay."
5) This is my biggest problem with the movie, and I will leave it at this because I have to pee and I also really should work on ordering some stuff for work. The problem with horror movies today (and I think it's due in large part to the fact that American filmmakers are dumbing them down to get a PG-13 rating and thus get a bigger audience and more money) is that people in horror films don't say "fuck" enough. Seriously, there were SO MANY TIMES during the film that if I was in that situation? I would totally say "fuck." Fuck is such an awesome word to use in situtations where you're confronted with Unimaginable, Unconquerable Evil. It fits every instance, depending only on change of inflection.
Surrounded by a pack of crazed deer? "Ffffuuuuuck." Son just morphed into a dead body in front of you? "FUCK!!!"
Seriously, if you were an Evil Spirit, and someone came at you instead of running away in fear, and she's all like, "YOU FUCKING FUCK ASS BITCH, YOU LEAVE ME AND MY SON ALONE OR I WILL SO FUCKING FUCK UP YOUR UNDEAD ASS YOU FUCKHOLE DAUGHTER OF A FUCKTARD!!!!" I know I would think twice about doing battle with her for her son's soul.
So, in conclusion, I think I'm going to write my own horror movie. I know I promised that FLUSH POINT would be out sometime in the near future, but I feel it's my civic duty to correct this injustice of language. Because if we cannot tell the Evil invading our lives to fuck off, then the fucking fuckwad terrorists have fucking won.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
review--Neon Genesis Evangelion
Oh, it's been a long while, has it not? I must apologize profusely. I would like to claim illness or Major Life-Altering Events, but in fact it was just laziness, pure and simple. Oh, Dear Reader, all the times I find myself sitting on the couch, eyes glazed over at yet another report of Lindsey Lohan's new eating disorder or Kevin and Britney's One True Love, and I think, "I could be writing about this in my blog right now." Yet alas, I cannot muster the energy to care, let alone write scathingly about it.
Plus, I've actually got SHITLOADS of shit to do at work, and since this this usually where I write these things, I've been DOING MY JOB, and sorry, but my job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN YOU. That's my hobby. My PREDILECTION, if you will.
But the complaints have been flowing in from FAR and WIDE, so here you go...a REVIEW of NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
Let me begin by saying it's Eve-an-GELL-eon and not E-vanj-a-LEE-on like I've been incorrectly pronouncing it for years. Just in case you didn't want to look like a total loser when you go to the comic book store and ask for a copy.
Next, let me give you a bit of history...NGE is the GREATEST ANIME EVAH!!! It's the 1337 r0x0rs!!!!11!!! Here is what Amazon.com has to say about NGE:
"A benchmark series in the history of anime, Hideaki Anno's Neon Genesis Evangelion is one of the most widely discussed in anime. It's not the first series to combine mecha (futuristic machines, especially robots) with theology and a character-driven story, but it does so exceptionally well. The designs of the robots by Ikuto Yamashita are strikingly original; the questions raised about the future of the human race stimulate viewers' imaginations and the characters show a depth of personality rare in anime."
This was not the version I saw.
The NGE I watched was 26 half-hour episodes detailing how a total loser and an annoying German chick with a Japanese name become fighter pilots even though they are 14 years old. Shinji is a total pussy; his dad is super-powerful and runs/is a member of/does the bidding of a secret organization that uses this other organization, NERV, as its cover.
Okay, let me back up.
NGE is 26 episodes long. The first, eh, twenty are the exact same episode, with varying levels of people being annoying. And there are robots, but they're not really robots.
Okay, wait.
NGE takes place in 2015. Most of the population of Earth has been killed off due to the after-effects of what is called "The Second Impact." The public has been led to believe this was a meteor strike, but it was actually an attack by one of a sentient race of beings called "Angels." Angels periodically attack the earth for no reason. And they don't attack Earth persay, but NERV, a government organization sometimes in opposition to the UN, but whose charter is to destroy Angels. To do this they've created biomechanoids called Evangelion, or Eva for short, that are piloted by psychic 14 year olds. The action begins when Shinji is recruited to join NERV by his absentee father, who is not only high up in NERV but is also part of a shadow organization working behind NERV. Shinji reluctantly pilots an Eva, mainly to win approval from his father. The first fifteen or so episodes feature Shinji and his teammates battling various Angels with their Eva, with varying degrees of success. Then there is a recap/clip show.
Then, FINALLY, after all of this, a semblence of a plot!!! The old flame of one of the military personnel in charge of the operation is a spy!!! He thinks something fishy is going on!!! Eva are actually made from a captured Angel!!! Evas think!!! One of the pilots is a clone!!! There are lots of her!!! And Shinji's Eva contains his dead mother's spirit!!! IT'S AWESOME!!!
And then Shinji has a crisis of conscience and doubts his existence in the next to last episode and it's a bunch of crap about "who am I if I am not me?" And it's like you've dropped acid and are watching the Teletubbies but not nearly as well-written and acted. And then in the last episode Shinji decides who he is, and everyone claps.
No, seriously. Shinji picks a personality and all the characters applaud. And that's the last episode.
Nothing about the clone. Nothing about the Angels. Nothing about Shinji's mom being trapped in a robot. The conspiracy is dropped.
Now, I REALIZE that there are other NGE out there; yes, I am well aware that this ending was not what the animator Hideaki Anno wanted so he made some more clip shows and whatnot. But give me a break, THIS is the GREATEST ANIME EVER?!?! It is, if by "greatest" you mean "no plot." If "greatest" is the French word for "makes no sense."
And the WORST of it was I sat there, The Husband by my side groaning the entire time, and we SLOGGED through this piece of crap, waiting for something to happen. And then when it finally did happen, it meant nothing.
I would hate it if this had been my introduction to anime. Anime as a genre kicks all sorts of ass. Yes, you have to weed through crap like any kind of entertainment, but what's most difficult to reconcile with anime is the fact that you have to devote a lot of time and energy to a story, only to sometimes have it totally suck ass. And you also sometimes have to deal with lots of naked chicks. And chicks with tails. And tentacle sex. Nevermind.
If this hasn't totally turned you off of anime, check out WICKED CITY for a really fucked up but relatively easy to follow story, MILLENNIUM ACTRESS for a more traditional story told in a non-traditional way (MILLENNIUM ACTRESS really shows how freeing animation can be to a narrative) and of course anything by Hayao Miyazaki (SPIRITED AWAY). MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO makes me cry EVERY TIME!!! COWBOY BEBOP is something you'll have to invest a lot of time toward, but the story's amazing and the characters are well fleshed out. And of course there's AKIRA, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever but it has gigantic killer teddy bears and creepy pale kids and people screaming TETSUO!!! over and over again, so it's awesome even if you don't understand a word of it.
And that, kids, is Anime 101. There will be a mid-term.
Hopefully, I will review the new STAR WARS piece of crap. And I have to tell you about my trip to New York to see HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. And I still haven't seen AMITYVILLE HORROR. But we shall see, kiddies, we shall see.
Now I'm off to look for more naked pictures of Hugh Laurie, and then go get The Husband from work. WATCH HOUSE MD, GODDAMNIT!!! Last night's episode was the GREATEST EPISODE OF ANYTHING EVER ON TELEVISION, including when Kelly won American Idol.
Maybe one day I will write about it.
Plus, I've actually got SHITLOADS of shit to do at work, and since this this usually where I write these things, I've been DOING MY JOB, and sorry, but my job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN YOU. That's my hobby. My PREDILECTION, if you will.
But the complaints have been flowing in from FAR and WIDE, so here you go...a REVIEW of NEON GENESIS EVANGELION.
Let me begin by saying it's Eve-an-GELL-eon and not E-vanj-a-LEE-on like I've been incorrectly pronouncing it for years. Just in case you didn't want to look like a total loser when you go to the comic book store and ask for a copy.
Next, let me give you a bit of history...NGE is the GREATEST ANIME EVAH!!! It's the 1337 r0x0rs!!!!11!!! Here is what Amazon.com has to say about NGE:
"A benchmark series in the history of anime, Hideaki Anno's Neon Genesis Evangelion is one of the most widely discussed in anime. It's not the first series to combine mecha (futuristic machines, especially robots) with theology and a character-driven story, but it does so exceptionally well. The designs of the robots by Ikuto Yamashita are strikingly original; the questions raised about the future of the human race stimulate viewers' imaginations and the characters show a depth of personality rare in anime."
This was not the version I saw.
The NGE I watched was 26 half-hour episodes detailing how a total loser and an annoying German chick with a Japanese name become fighter pilots even though they are 14 years old. Shinji is a total pussy; his dad is super-powerful and runs/is a member of/does the bidding of a secret organization that uses this other organization, NERV, as its cover.
Okay, let me back up.
NGE is 26 episodes long. The first, eh, twenty are the exact same episode, with varying levels of people being annoying. And there are robots, but they're not really robots.
Okay, wait.
NGE takes place in 2015. Most of the population of Earth has been killed off due to the after-effects of what is called "The Second Impact." The public has been led to believe this was a meteor strike, but it was actually an attack by one of a sentient race of beings called "Angels." Angels periodically attack the earth for no reason. And they don't attack Earth persay, but NERV, a government organization sometimes in opposition to the UN, but whose charter is to destroy Angels. To do this they've created biomechanoids called Evangelion, or Eva for short, that are piloted by psychic 14 year olds. The action begins when Shinji is recruited to join NERV by his absentee father, who is not only high up in NERV but is also part of a shadow organization working behind NERV. Shinji reluctantly pilots an Eva, mainly to win approval from his father. The first fifteen or so episodes feature Shinji and his teammates battling various Angels with their Eva, with varying degrees of success. Then there is a recap/clip show.
Then, FINALLY, after all of this, a semblence of a plot!!! The old flame of one of the military personnel in charge of the operation is a spy!!! He thinks something fishy is going on!!! Eva are actually made from a captured Angel!!! Evas think!!! One of the pilots is a clone!!! There are lots of her!!! And Shinji's Eva contains his dead mother's spirit!!! IT'S AWESOME!!!
And then Shinji has a crisis of conscience and doubts his existence in the next to last episode and it's a bunch of crap about "who am I if I am not me?" And it's like you've dropped acid and are watching the Teletubbies but not nearly as well-written and acted. And then in the last episode Shinji decides who he is, and everyone claps.
No, seriously. Shinji picks a personality and all the characters applaud. And that's the last episode.
Nothing about the clone. Nothing about the Angels. Nothing about Shinji's mom being trapped in a robot. The conspiracy is dropped.
Now, I REALIZE that there are other NGE out there; yes, I am well aware that this ending was not what the animator Hideaki Anno wanted so he made some more clip shows and whatnot. But give me a break, THIS is the GREATEST ANIME EVER?!?! It is, if by "greatest" you mean "no plot." If "greatest" is the French word for "makes no sense."
And the WORST of it was I sat there, The Husband by my side groaning the entire time, and we SLOGGED through this piece of crap, waiting for something to happen. And then when it finally did happen, it meant nothing.
I would hate it if this had been my introduction to anime. Anime as a genre kicks all sorts of ass. Yes, you have to weed through crap like any kind of entertainment, but what's most difficult to reconcile with anime is the fact that you have to devote a lot of time and energy to a story, only to sometimes have it totally suck ass. And you also sometimes have to deal with lots of naked chicks. And chicks with tails. And tentacle sex. Nevermind.
If this hasn't totally turned you off of anime, check out WICKED CITY for a really fucked up but relatively easy to follow story, MILLENNIUM ACTRESS for a more traditional story told in a non-traditional way (MILLENNIUM ACTRESS really shows how freeing animation can be to a narrative) and of course anything by Hayao Miyazaki (SPIRITED AWAY). MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO makes me cry EVERY TIME!!! COWBOY BEBOP is something you'll have to invest a lot of time toward, but the story's amazing and the characters are well fleshed out. And of course there's AKIRA, which makes NO SENSE whatsoever but it has gigantic killer teddy bears and creepy pale kids and people screaming TETSUO!!! over and over again, so it's awesome even if you don't understand a word of it.
And that, kids, is Anime 101. There will be a mid-term.
Hopefully, I will review the new STAR WARS piece of crap. And I have to tell you about my trip to New York to see HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. And I still haven't seen AMITYVILLE HORROR. But we shall see, kiddies, we shall see.
Now I'm off to look for more naked pictures of Hugh Laurie, and then go get The Husband from work. WATCH HOUSE MD, GODDAMNIT!!! Last night's episode was the GREATEST EPISODE OF ANYTHING EVER ON TELEVISION, including when Kelly won American Idol.
Maybe one day I will write about it.
Friday, February 25, 2005
interlude--Sorry...I Suck.
So, I've been away for a while. I've been meaning to put something up...I actually get around to writing something and my computer dies, or something comes up, or I hate what I wrote. I know you don't give a shit, Gentle Reader, but hey, suck it up and deal.
1) I liked ELEKTRA okay. It wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it was okay.
2) LEMONY SNICKET kicks all sorts of ass. It was way better than I expected.
3) HOUSE, M.D. is all sorts of awesome. Hugh Laurie is my new Imaginary Boyfriend. Being in an Imaginary British Sandwich with him and Imaginary Boyfriend Simon Cowell would be awesome.
4) BTW, Paul Rudd is my new Imaginary Best Friend With Possibilities.
5) I'm just coming to realize I haven't seen very many movies in the theaters. I will be seeing CONSTANTINE, I swear. Keanu Reeves is, after all, my Imaginary Sexual Plaything.
6) I did see the documentary SPELLBOUND on DVD, about the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It was as depressing as you would expect, watching over 200 12-year-olds spell words you've never heard of. The Husband and I broke out the dictionary and tried to follow along. There was an awesome word which was the medical term for the subcutaneous bleeding that causes bruises, but I forgot what it was.
7) I MISSED THE ABC DOCUMENTARY ON UFOS!!!! I hate myself.
8) Remember, kiddies, Lent doesn't last forever. Get your awesome Wendy's Fish Sandwich while you can.
9) I restarted therapy and it's all sorts of awesome. I'm taking mega-amounts of Prozac, and I feel like a million bucks, thanks for asking. I have begun eating mayo again, because I've somehow overcome my fear of it, and I actually ate a plate of spaghetti which had meat sauce on it (even though I picked the meat out). Many of you will not appreciate the significance of this breakthrough, but suffice it to say, I have OCD which has caused many very strange habits/fears/beliefs/actions/non-actions and it's amazing to be able to watch a news program on the Asian Bird Flu and have only two thoughts:
a) I don't have it nor do I think I do, and
b) Why aren't they talking about the Michael Jackson trial?
Normally I would spend my day at the computer, trolling the net for the latest information on signs and symptoms of Asian Bird Flu, so that I could be assured I don't have it and also that I would know what to look for in case I had it. It was this sort of thing that led me to become a vegetarian: obsessive fear of Mad Cow Disease. While I doubt I will be chowing down on a Big Mac any time in the near future, it's nice that my afternoons are now anxiety-free for other pursuits, namely trolling the web for naked pictures of Hugh Laurie. Not that I do that sort of thing. Because I don't. Except that I totally do.
10) Before you see CURSED, check out GINGER SNAPS. Though I haven't seen CURSED yet, although I might go and see it, I think I can safely say at this point in time that GINGER SNAPS is a billion times better.
11) It's sad when you've reached that time of the day when you've checked out all your web sites at least fifty times, and they haven't updated, and you've run out of things to read. Hence why I do this now. The Internets should spontaneously update when I mentally command them to.
I guess I should get back to work.
1) I liked ELEKTRA okay. It wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it was okay.
2) LEMONY SNICKET kicks all sorts of ass. It was way better than I expected.
3) HOUSE, M.D. is all sorts of awesome. Hugh Laurie is my new Imaginary Boyfriend. Being in an Imaginary British Sandwich with him and Imaginary Boyfriend Simon Cowell would be awesome.
4) BTW, Paul Rudd is my new Imaginary Best Friend With Possibilities.
5) I'm just coming to realize I haven't seen very many movies in the theaters. I will be seeing CONSTANTINE, I swear. Keanu Reeves is, after all, my Imaginary Sexual Plaything.
6) I did see the documentary SPELLBOUND on DVD, about the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It was as depressing as you would expect, watching over 200 12-year-olds spell words you've never heard of. The Husband and I broke out the dictionary and tried to follow along. There was an awesome word which was the medical term for the subcutaneous bleeding that causes bruises, but I forgot what it was.
7) I MISSED THE ABC DOCUMENTARY ON UFOS!!!! I hate myself.
8) Remember, kiddies, Lent doesn't last forever. Get your awesome Wendy's Fish Sandwich while you can.
9) I restarted therapy and it's all sorts of awesome. I'm taking mega-amounts of Prozac, and I feel like a million bucks, thanks for asking. I have begun eating mayo again, because I've somehow overcome my fear of it, and I actually ate a plate of spaghetti which had meat sauce on it (even though I picked the meat out). Many of you will not appreciate the significance of this breakthrough, but suffice it to say, I have OCD which has caused many very strange habits/fears/beliefs/actions/non-actions and it's amazing to be able to watch a news program on the Asian Bird Flu and have only two thoughts:
a) I don't have it nor do I think I do, and
b) Why aren't they talking about the Michael Jackson trial?
Normally I would spend my day at the computer, trolling the net for the latest information on signs and symptoms of Asian Bird Flu, so that I could be assured I don't have it and also that I would know what to look for in case I had it. It was this sort of thing that led me to become a vegetarian: obsessive fear of Mad Cow Disease. While I doubt I will be chowing down on a Big Mac any time in the near future, it's nice that my afternoons are now anxiety-free for other pursuits, namely trolling the web for naked pictures of Hugh Laurie. Not that I do that sort of thing. Because I don't. Except that I totally do.
10) Before you see CURSED, check out GINGER SNAPS. Though I haven't seen CURSED yet, although I might go and see it, I think I can safely say at this point in time that GINGER SNAPS is a billion times better.
11) It's sad when you've reached that time of the day when you've checked out all your web sites at least fifty times, and they haven't updated, and you've run out of things to read. Hence why I do this now. The Internets should spontaneously update when I mentally command them to.
I guess I should get back to work.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
tidbits--MY AWESOME DREAM LAST NIGHT
I know I've been promising movie reviews, but I've been sick and busy. Alternately and at the same time. But the dream I had last night was awesome and I want to share.
I had this weird dream that Robert De Niro was in love with me, but my Japanese parents disapproved. By the way, I am not Japanese.
It was really weird because in my dream I was having this really bad day...all these horrible things were happening to me: the restaurant messed up my order, I got someone's drink dumped on me, I'd had a fight with my real life parents. I had a female relative that was younger than my deceased grandmother but older than my mom, and this new relative had Alzheimer's and she was very violent towards me and I was tired of dealing with it. So I left to go get a coffee, and I couldn't find one anywhere, no one had the drink I wanted, per my day. So I was really upset, and Robert De Niro saw me and took pity on me and took me to his apartment where he did ink paintings and had lots of hanging beads instead of doors, and a great view, and he wanted to have sex but I felt I couldn't because of The Husband. And then all of a sudden I had Japanese parents who didn't like De Niro because he had served in WW2 and they felt he mocked their culture. With his ink paintings and hanging beads, I guess. They wanted me to come with them, but I wanted to be with De Niro because he was the only person who'd shown compassion and concern for me on my bad day. So I ran back to his apartment and I was wearing a geisha dress and those awesome Japanese flip-flop shoes but with socks, and there were women who were praising my ethnic authenticity.
De Niro is very well endowed, by the way, at least in my subconscious.
I had this weird dream that Robert De Niro was in love with me, but my Japanese parents disapproved. By the way, I am not Japanese.
It was really weird because in my dream I was having this really bad day...all these horrible things were happening to me: the restaurant messed up my order, I got someone's drink dumped on me, I'd had a fight with my real life parents. I had a female relative that was younger than my deceased grandmother but older than my mom, and this new relative had Alzheimer's and she was very violent towards me and I was tired of dealing with it. So I left to go get a coffee, and I couldn't find one anywhere, no one had the drink I wanted, per my day. So I was really upset, and Robert De Niro saw me and took pity on me and took me to his apartment where he did ink paintings and had lots of hanging beads instead of doors, and a great view, and he wanted to have sex but I felt I couldn't because of The Husband. And then all of a sudden I had Japanese parents who didn't like De Niro because he had served in WW2 and they felt he mocked their culture. With his ink paintings and hanging beads, I guess. They wanted me to come with them, but I wanted to be with De Niro because he was the only person who'd shown compassion and concern for me on my bad day. So I ran back to his apartment and I was wearing a geisha dress and those awesome Japanese flip-flop shoes but with socks, and there were women who were praising my ethnic authenticity.
De Niro is very well endowed, by the way, at least in my subconscious.
Monday, January 10, 2005
review--THE ACTUAL WHITE NOISE MOVIE
SPOILERS!!!
Once upon a time, The Mother used to listen to Art Bell on the radio, really late at night. The next day, she'd call me at work and recount the previous night's show, and then I would further explain to her the intricacies of Ufology and crystal healing and Black Helicopters and the HAARP Project. Because I'm down with all that craziness.
So anyway, on one show he featured this story (now confirmed to be a hoax) about these Siberian oil drillers who drilled into the earth and punched into a pocket and they stuck a microphone into the hole thinking they'd hear tectonic plate movements and instead they heard THE VOICES OF HELL.
Check this shit out in real player
So, yeah, this story is totally whack; I mean, why in the hell would anybody be carrying around a nine mile long microphone cord to listen to tectonic plates shifting? But The Mother told me about the tape and I looked for it on the Art Bell site and I listened to it and I nearly peed my pants because I'm totally gullible like that.
WHITE NOISE is not as scary as that tape, although they totally played something like that in the movie.
The movie stars Michael Keaton as a guy who makes shitloads of money so he can freely indulge in whatever craziness he wants for two hours because he doesn't really need to go to work. His wife dies tragically and then a fat guy starts following him around. The fat guy tells him he's been receiving messages from Keaton's wife from beyond the grave by recording the ambient noise in rooms and then filtering it through the computer. And seriously, if you squint really hard and have a small grasp of Esperanto it does sound like his wife saying his name. And some other stuff. So Keaton goes out and buys shitloads of equipment because he can, and he spends all his time trying to tape his wife. And then she starts showing up and tells him cryptically to rescue people, but she's totally not because that's not what she's saying at all and you can tell he's totally making that shit up because he's desperate for his wife to be a life-saving angel and not a hell-bound demonic spirit bend on global dominance and destruction.
At least that's how I translated that section of Esperanto.
But then he figures out that all the people who are dying were also going to the fat guy to hear their dead relatives, and then his creepy girlfriend shows up in a tape and does a Louganis off her balcony but she doesn't die for some reason, and there's a serial killer and some creepy shadow demons and a climatic fight to the death and THE END.
But back to Art Bell. Another show that totally freaked The Mother out was one about "SHADOW PEOPLE." These are the forms that you see flutter by out of the corner of your eye when you're alone in a room. Here's a supposed picture so you can be as freaked out as my mom. Shadow people figure prominently in the action of WHITE NOISE (actually more like in the televisions) but there should have been way more of them.
So WHITE NOISE wasn't really all that scary. I told The Brother that I was going to pee my pants in fear but that was more from the soda. He said I looked very engrossed all hunched over and leaning toward the screen near the end of the movie, but that was to relieve the pressure on my bladder. See, I kept thinking that if I left to pee I'd miss the really scary part, but there never was a really scary part. There were a couple of scenes that were jump-out-of-your-seat moments, but that was more from the fact that you're watching the tape and watching the tape and watching the tape and listening to the static and you think you hear a Jonathan I love you and then OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND and then it's over.
I think the idea (without overanalyzing) was that when you're supposed to go, you're supposed to go. And the "Other Side" is not something for the living to be meddling in. And if you meddle you've gotten a glimpse of something no living person should see, and so the Shadow People come and get you. Unless you're a crazy girlfriend doped up on tranquilizers because then they don't bother you. Or something. But part of the problem with WHITE NOISE is that the Shadow People didn't fuck around with the living enough. Not that I wanted limbs torn off torsos or anything.
Did you see GHOST? You did? Because you wanted to see Demi Moore naked and at the time that Righteous Brothers song hadn't been played into the ground so you could still stand to hear it without desperately wanting to stick a Q-Tip into your ear all the way totally going against everything they tell you on the packaging? You remember the scene at the end where evil murderer and attempted rapist Tony Goldwyn gets the shit kicked out of him by the evil smoke demons and they drag him to hell? You do?
The end of WHITE NOISE is exactly like that.
No, really. Only no Patrick Swayse.
I will also readily admit that more than once during the movie Michael Keaton gave this penetrating look of concern and concentration that made me think to myself "I'M BATMAN." Which threw me out of the movie. But afterwards The Brother confessed he thought the same thing. And also his dead wife appears to him in person as this apparition and granted the rest of the film was pretty unbelievable but I'd successfully suspended my disbelief but THAT was crossing a line of credulity that even I would not walk over. It was just really cheesy and stupid.
Once again I was taken by a preview. But I did tell The Husband that I would see it again at the dollar theater, because I have to admit that part with the OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND part was really fucking awesome. There just needed to be way more than that.
There was this awesome syndicated show on called SIGHTINGS. On one episode they interviewed this women named Sarah Estep, who is a researcher in Electronic Voice Phenomena. She went to a civil war cemetary with her tape recorder and started asking questions and when she got back to her lab and listened to the tapes there were these voices talking about their experiences in the war. It freaked my shit out. That was way more scary than WHITE NOISE. The Brother's theory, which sounds completely plausable, is that because you are seeing it under the guise of "documentary" your mind automatically says "TRUTH," because you're conditioned to believe that things you see in documentaries are true. So documentaries are scarier because you believe everything in them acutally happened and are possible. And there's a certain clinical detachment as well that adds to the scare. WHITE NOISE spends so much (or so little) time trying to get you to give a rat's ass about the people in the movie that you aren't as frightened.
And you keep thinking, "I'M BATMAN." Which doesn't help.
So the Moral of the Story, according to The Brother, is DON'T FUCK WITH THE DEAD. I am leaning more towards DON'T HAVE MORE THAN ONE TV, AND IF YOU DO, FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T PUT THEM ALL IN ONE ROOM. And also DON'T BUY LILIES FOR ANYONE EVER, THEY'RE TOTALLY BAD LUCK.
Next week: ELEKTRA. I'm hoping for some really shitty MORTAL KOMBAT-y goodness. And crossing my fingers for a Christopher Lambert cameo. More films need Christopher Lambert. And Jean-Claude Van Damme. But that's just me.
PS. The best part of WHITE NOISE was that as The Brother and I were leaving we passed by this couple, and the chick was totally crying. I don't know if someone close to her had just died, or she's been contacting the dead recently, or what, but--not to be mean--that's really fucking funny. I mean, why would you go see a movie about contacting the recently deceased if you have had someone recently decease? I mean, recounting the plot to The Mother, I told her about this part where this girl gets a message from her recently deceased grandmother, and I got kind of choked up and my grandmother's been dead for three years!!! So why you'd actively search out a movie like this in those circumstances is beyond me.
But then again she could have been upset about something completely unrelated to the movie. It's not nice to make fun of people. I don't know why I brought it up.
She was probably upset that she wasted two hours of her life that she'd never get back.
PPS. Just to geek for a moment, the way the fat guy EVPs in the movie is totally not how you do it in real life. But I'm not going to get into that. As I'm not one to nitpick.
PSS. Have you ever thought about reincarnation? You know how people are always claiming that they were someone famous, like Napoleon? Did you ever stop to think that if you were reincarnated, and your future self were to get hypnotized and relive your life, that they'd totally tell people they were Napoleon, too, instead of admitting their previous life was spent in a cubicle during the day, and then playing video games at night? I often thought about that when I worked at the bookstore, like how depressing would that be to relive a past life and you're like, "I was a supervisor at a Borders, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." No one's ever a scullery maid, you know? Were there even such things? How did the world end up the way it did with fifty gajillion Napoleons running around?
Once upon a time, The Mother used to listen to Art Bell on the radio, really late at night. The next day, she'd call me at work and recount the previous night's show, and then I would further explain to her the intricacies of Ufology and crystal healing and Black Helicopters and the HAARP Project. Because I'm down with all that craziness.
So anyway, on one show he featured this story (now confirmed to be a hoax) about these Siberian oil drillers who drilled into the earth and punched into a pocket and they stuck a microphone into the hole thinking they'd hear tectonic plate movements and instead they heard THE VOICES OF HELL.
Check this shit out in real player
So, yeah, this story is totally whack; I mean, why in the hell would anybody be carrying around a nine mile long microphone cord to listen to tectonic plates shifting? But The Mother told me about the tape and I looked for it on the Art Bell site and I listened to it and I nearly peed my pants because I'm totally gullible like that.
WHITE NOISE is not as scary as that tape, although they totally played something like that in the movie.
The movie stars Michael Keaton as a guy who makes shitloads of money so he can freely indulge in whatever craziness he wants for two hours because he doesn't really need to go to work. His wife dies tragically and then a fat guy starts following him around. The fat guy tells him he's been receiving messages from Keaton's wife from beyond the grave by recording the ambient noise in rooms and then filtering it through the computer. And seriously, if you squint really hard and have a small grasp of Esperanto it does sound like his wife saying his name. And some other stuff. So Keaton goes out and buys shitloads of equipment because he can, and he spends all his time trying to tape his wife. And then she starts showing up and tells him cryptically to rescue people, but she's totally not because that's not what she's saying at all and you can tell he's totally making that shit up because he's desperate for his wife to be a life-saving angel and not a hell-bound demonic spirit bend on global dominance and destruction.
At least that's how I translated that section of Esperanto.
But then he figures out that all the people who are dying were also going to the fat guy to hear their dead relatives, and then his creepy girlfriend shows up in a tape and does a Louganis off her balcony but she doesn't die for some reason, and there's a serial killer and some creepy shadow demons and a climatic fight to the death and THE END.
But back to Art Bell. Another show that totally freaked The Mother out was one about "SHADOW PEOPLE." These are the forms that you see flutter by out of the corner of your eye when you're alone in a room. Here's a supposed picture so you can be as freaked out as my mom. Shadow people figure prominently in the action of WHITE NOISE (actually more like in the televisions) but there should have been way more of them.
So WHITE NOISE wasn't really all that scary. I told The Brother that I was going to pee my pants in fear but that was more from the soda. He said I looked very engrossed all hunched over and leaning toward the screen near the end of the movie, but that was to relieve the pressure on my bladder. See, I kept thinking that if I left to pee I'd miss the really scary part, but there never was a really scary part. There were a couple of scenes that were jump-out-of-your-seat moments, but that was more from the fact that you're watching the tape and watching the tape and watching the tape and listening to the static and you think you hear a Jonathan I love you and then OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND and then it's over.
I think the idea (without overanalyzing) was that when you're supposed to go, you're supposed to go. And the "Other Side" is not something for the living to be meddling in. And if you meddle you've gotten a glimpse of something no living person should see, and so the Shadow People come and get you. Unless you're a crazy girlfriend doped up on tranquilizers because then they don't bother you. Or something. But part of the problem with WHITE NOISE is that the Shadow People didn't fuck around with the living enough. Not that I wanted limbs torn off torsos or anything.
Did you see GHOST? You did? Because you wanted to see Demi Moore naked and at the time that Righteous Brothers song hadn't been played into the ground so you could still stand to hear it without desperately wanting to stick a Q-Tip into your ear all the way totally going against everything they tell you on the packaging? You remember the scene at the end where evil murderer and attempted rapist Tony Goldwyn gets the shit kicked out of him by the evil smoke demons and they drag him to hell? You do?
The end of WHITE NOISE is exactly like that.
No, really. Only no Patrick Swayse.
I will also readily admit that more than once during the movie Michael Keaton gave this penetrating look of concern and concentration that made me think to myself "I'M BATMAN." Which threw me out of the movie. But afterwards The Brother confessed he thought the same thing. And also his dead wife appears to him in person as this apparition and granted the rest of the film was pretty unbelievable but I'd successfully suspended my disbelief but THAT was crossing a line of credulity that even I would not walk over. It was just really cheesy and stupid.
Once again I was taken by a preview. But I did tell The Husband that I would see it again at the dollar theater, because I have to admit that part with the OHMYGODYOUBASTARDPIGROTINHELLDIEARGH!!!!ANDEVILNESSONTHETELEVISIONFORASPLITSECOND part was really fucking awesome. There just needed to be way more than that.
There was this awesome syndicated show on called SIGHTINGS. On one episode they interviewed this women named Sarah Estep, who is a researcher in Electronic Voice Phenomena. She went to a civil war cemetary with her tape recorder and started asking questions and when she got back to her lab and listened to the tapes there were these voices talking about their experiences in the war. It freaked my shit out. That was way more scary than WHITE NOISE. The Brother's theory, which sounds completely plausable, is that because you are seeing it under the guise of "documentary" your mind automatically says "TRUTH," because you're conditioned to believe that things you see in documentaries are true. So documentaries are scarier because you believe everything in them acutally happened and are possible. And there's a certain clinical detachment as well that adds to the scare. WHITE NOISE spends so much (or so little) time trying to get you to give a rat's ass about the people in the movie that you aren't as frightened.
And you keep thinking, "I'M BATMAN." Which doesn't help.
So the Moral of the Story, according to The Brother, is DON'T FUCK WITH THE DEAD. I am leaning more towards DON'T HAVE MORE THAN ONE TV, AND IF YOU DO, FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T PUT THEM ALL IN ONE ROOM. And also DON'T BUY LILIES FOR ANYONE EVER, THEY'RE TOTALLY BAD LUCK.
Next week: ELEKTRA. I'm hoping for some really shitty MORTAL KOMBAT-y goodness. And crossing my fingers for a Christopher Lambert cameo. More films need Christopher Lambert. And Jean-Claude Van Damme. But that's just me.
PS. The best part of WHITE NOISE was that as The Brother and I were leaving we passed by this couple, and the chick was totally crying. I don't know if someone close to her had just died, or she's been contacting the dead recently, or what, but--not to be mean--that's really fucking funny. I mean, why would you go see a movie about contacting the recently deceased if you have had someone recently decease? I mean, recounting the plot to The Mother, I told her about this part where this girl gets a message from her recently deceased grandmother, and I got kind of choked up and my grandmother's been dead for three years!!! So why you'd actively search out a movie like this in those circumstances is beyond me.
But then again she could have been upset about something completely unrelated to the movie. It's not nice to make fun of people. I don't know why I brought it up.
She was probably upset that she wasted two hours of her life that she'd never get back.
PPS. Just to geek for a moment, the way the fat guy EVPs in the movie is totally not how you do it in real life. But I'm not going to get into that. As I'm not one to nitpick.
PSS. Have you ever thought about reincarnation? You know how people are always claiming that they were someone famous, like Napoleon? Did you ever stop to think that if you were reincarnated, and your future self were to get hypnotized and relive your life, that they'd totally tell people they were Napoleon, too, instead of admitting their previous life was spent in a cubicle during the day, and then playing video games at night? I often thought about that when I worked at the bookstore, like how depressing would that be to relive a past life and you're like, "I was a supervisor at a Borders, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." No one's ever a scullery maid, you know? Were there even such things? How did the world end up the way it did with fifty gajillion Napoleons running around?
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
review--BLADE:TRINITY
SPOILERS!!!
So, I finally dragged myself out to see BLADE. And I mean that literally: before going to the movies with The Brother I'd left the house approximately two times in the week following Christmas. I was in bed on New Year's Eve at 10pm. AND I was pissed at the neighborhood partiers for making it hard for me to go to sleep.
I have become a lazy bum.
So anyway, on the way out of the movie The Brother and I had the following exchange:
ME: Do you know who Dracula was? He looked really familiar.
THE BROTHER: No. We'll have to look him up when we get home.
ME: He was kind of a hottie.
THE BROTHER: I wouldn't know, I was too busy looking at Jessica Biel.
ME: There's nothing like watching BLADE: TRINITY to make you feel fat.
THE BROTHER: Ryan Reynolds did not look like that in VAN WILDER.
By the way, as a side note Ryan Reynolds guested on THE X-FILES on that episode where Scully's investigating the never-dying photographer and she gets shot. Just in case you wanted to know.
BLADE: TRINITY is the ironically named third installment in the BLADE trilogy, and it features a host of REALLY HOT ACTORS. I say "ironically" not because it's THIRD in a TRILOGY, or that there are THREE VAMPIRE HUNTERS (although one is taken out of most of the action for a good deal of the movie so technically that's not true), but because Blade has three lines in the whole movie:
"I forgot my sword."
"Choochie-coo."
"*grunt*"
Okay, I may be exaggerating, but seriously Blade's in the movie for all of five minutes.
BLADE: TRINITY is about a group of vampires who awaken Dracula (who's buried in Iraq for some reason) because they believe he's the only thing capable of killing off Blade once and for all. Meanwhile the FBI's gunning for Blade because he's a Menace to Society, and they end up blowing up his hideout. And some of the cops are helping the vampires. It looks really bad for our hero until a heretofore unmentioned shadow network of vampire killers led by heretofore unmentioned Whistler's daughter Jennifer Biel comes out of hiding to rescue him and help him out. And then there's fighting and stuff blowing up and sarcastic line delivery and tight abs and THE END.
The acting, for once, is top notch. Parker Posey, Queen of Indie Film, plays the head vampire, and you can tell she's having fun bossing people around, throwing fits and torturing people. Also she looks like a bad ass. Ryan Reynolds is kind of funny. The guy who plays Dracula is awesome (he was TV's JOHN DOE, by the way, on Fox's short-lived series).
And this is where the problem comes in. BLADE: TRINITY had the possibility to be something really great. It's hinted at in a couple of places: you have the King of All Vampires coming head-to-head with the King of All Vampire Killers. What kind of strange dynamic would this create? What sort of mutual introspection would it lead to? Dracula talks about an honor modern vampires have lost, an honor he finds in Blade. In the end, he "sacrifices" himself so that Blade can live. AND there's this awesome scene where he goes into a goth shop and is horrified to discover how his legend has been twisted by lame poseur kids. So many possibilities!!!
Then there's this MATRIX-y subplot where the vampires have victims set up in this warehouse being artificially kept alive so that their blood can be continually harvested. It was really cool looking, but pretty easy to undermind: Blade grunted at the only tech to "turn it off."
The only other thing worth noting was that Dracula's "true form" was fucking BAD ASS. This movie did some cool stuff with the conceit from the second of the vampires with the expanding jaws. But in the end I think it was just way too much trying to be packed into one movie. Not that I expected BLADE: TRINITY to be a Master's Class in character development, but it was disappointing even from a blowing lots of shit up angle.
I think I have to stop trusting in trailers. I'm learning that they don't often deliver what they promise.
I'm JUST NOW coming to understand this?!?!?!?
Coming up: WHITE NOISE (which still freaks my shit out), ELEKTRA, HIDE AND SEEK (looks pretty awesome), and CONSTANTINE. And some other stuff. Also I just bought some really awesome crap films like ZOMBIE LAKE, THE VIRGIN OF NUREMBERG, and DEMON UNDER GLASS featuring the sort-of-hot goateed guy from BABYLON 5. So I will be wallowing in shit for some time to come, and I'm taking you with me.
PS speaking of zombies, The Brother made The Mother watch SHAUN OF THE DEAD after telling her how awesome it was. The Mother hated it. Her exact quote was, "Why did it need to be so violent? I mean, did they really have to eat those people?"
We tried to explain the concept of zombies to her, but she wasn't having it.
So, I finally dragged myself out to see BLADE. And I mean that literally: before going to the movies with The Brother I'd left the house approximately two times in the week following Christmas. I was in bed on New Year's Eve at 10pm. AND I was pissed at the neighborhood partiers for making it hard for me to go to sleep.
I have become a lazy bum.
So anyway, on the way out of the movie The Brother and I had the following exchange:
ME: Do you know who Dracula was? He looked really familiar.
THE BROTHER: No. We'll have to look him up when we get home.
ME: He was kind of a hottie.
THE BROTHER: I wouldn't know, I was too busy looking at Jessica Biel.
ME: There's nothing like watching BLADE: TRINITY to make you feel fat.
THE BROTHER: Ryan Reynolds did not look like that in VAN WILDER.
By the way, as a side note Ryan Reynolds guested on THE X-FILES on that episode where Scully's investigating the never-dying photographer and she gets shot. Just in case you wanted to know.
BLADE: TRINITY is the ironically named third installment in the BLADE trilogy, and it features a host of REALLY HOT ACTORS. I say "ironically" not because it's THIRD in a TRILOGY, or that there are THREE VAMPIRE HUNTERS (although one is taken out of most of the action for a good deal of the movie so technically that's not true), but because Blade has three lines in the whole movie:
"I forgot my sword."
"Choochie-coo."
"*grunt*"
Okay, I may be exaggerating, but seriously Blade's in the movie for all of five minutes.
BLADE: TRINITY is about a group of vampires who awaken Dracula (who's buried in Iraq for some reason) because they believe he's the only thing capable of killing off Blade once and for all. Meanwhile the FBI's gunning for Blade because he's a Menace to Society, and they end up blowing up his hideout. And some of the cops are helping the vampires. It looks really bad for our hero until a heretofore unmentioned shadow network of vampire killers led by heretofore unmentioned Whistler's daughter Jennifer Biel comes out of hiding to rescue him and help him out. And then there's fighting and stuff blowing up and sarcastic line delivery and tight abs and THE END.
The acting, for once, is top notch. Parker Posey, Queen of Indie Film, plays the head vampire, and you can tell she's having fun bossing people around, throwing fits and torturing people. Also she looks like a bad ass. Ryan Reynolds is kind of funny. The guy who plays Dracula is awesome (he was TV's JOHN DOE, by the way, on Fox's short-lived series).
And this is where the problem comes in. BLADE: TRINITY had the possibility to be something really great. It's hinted at in a couple of places: you have the King of All Vampires coming head-to-head with the King of All Vampire Killers. What kind of strange dynamic would this create? What sort of mutual introspection would it lead to? Dracula talks about an honor modern vampires have lost, an honor he finds in Blade. In the end, he "sacrifices" himself so that Blade can live. AND there's this awesome scene where he goes into a goth shop and is horrified to discover how his legend has been twisted by lame poseur kids. So many possibilities!!!
Then there's this MATRIX-y subplot where the vampires have victims set up in this warehouse being artificially kept alive so that their blood can be continually harvested. It was really cool looking, but pretty easy to undermind: Blade grunted at the only tech to "turn it off."
The only other thing worth noting was that Dracula's "true form" was fucking BAD ASS. This movie did some cool stuff with the conceit from the second of the vampires with the expanding jaws. But in the end I think it was just way too much trying to be packed into one movie. Not that I expected BLADE: TRINITY to be a Master's Class in character development, but it was disappointing even from a blowing lots of shit up angle.
I think I have to stop trusting in trailers. I'm learning that they don't often deliver what they promise.
I'm JUST NOW coming to understand this?!?!?!?
Coming up: WHITE NOISE (which still freaks my shit out), ELEKTRA, HIDE AND SEEK (looks pretty awesome), and CONSTANTINE. And some other stuff. Also I just bought some really awesome crap films like ZOMBIE LAKE, THE VIRGIN OF NUREMBERG, and DEMON UNDER GLASS featuring the sort-of-hot goateed guy from BABYLON 5. So I will be wallowing in shit for some time to come, and I'm taking you with me.
PS speaking of zombies, The Brother made The Mother watch SHAUN OF THE DEAD after telling her how awesome it was. The Mother hated it. Her exact quote was, "Why did it need to be so violent? I mean, did they really have to eat those people?"
We tried to explain the concept of zombies to her, but she wasn't having it.
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