review--THE TRAILER FOR WHITE NOISE

No, not the adaptation of the book by Don Delillo, even though that is supposedly in the process of casting AS WE SPEAK. This WHITE NOISE stars Michael "Hi, where the hell have you been?" Keaton as a dude who loses his wife and then tries to contact her from beyond the grave, which anyone who's ever seen a movie will know is A Bad Idea.

Anyway, I stumbled upon the trailer while trying to find out what's playing at the dollar theater. Yahoo is currently without local theater listings. But I downloaded the trailer, which you can find here.

Let me begin by saying that I totally believe in communicating with the dead. Still don't know what my thoughts are about Life After Death and Getting into Heaven and Jeezus, Don't Cremate Your Body or You'll Have Nothing to Use When the Rapture Happens. Actually, I totally believe in the Rapture, but not a crazy We Need To Blow Up Arabs to Bring It About Rapture; more like a Hey, Remember How David Duchovny was Naked in that Movie About the Rapture Rapture. If David Duchovny is naked, I will believe. I WANT to believe. Anyway, I actually totally believe in the Rapture. That kind of stuff freaks my shit out. I totally believe you can be possessed if you use a Ouija board by yourself. I totally believe you'll see Bloody Mary if you say her name 13 times into a darkened mirror. I totally believe in ghosts, and exorcisms, and space aliens, and mom and apple pie. AND I almost have my Master's degree.

(Here's a story: When I was younger, my grandmother had a first edition hardcover copy of The Amityville Horror. I read that book fifty times, and it made me cry with fear EVERY SINGLE TIME. I still have that book and I know without a doubt that I would cry if I were to read it today. Anyway, there's this part in the story where the patriarch of the clan residing in the Amityville Horror House, George Lutz, does some research at his local public library on demons and demonology. Excited by his findings he calls the priest who's been helping his family.

"Father," he says, "I've been doing research at the local public library on demons and demonology, and I think I know which demon has been terrorizing us!!! Its name is bloobloobloobloo!!!"

"Damnit, George!!!" the priest screams into the phone, "Whatever you do, don't say its name!!! If you say a demon's name three times you will call it forth!!!"

So, of course, seeing as how I'd read the book fifty times, and the book totally printed the actual demon's name rather than bloobloobloobloo, I was convinced that I had inadvertently called the demon up by reading its name more than once, sometimes many times in a single sitting, because seriously when you're confronted with a word like bloobloobloobloo and its staring you in the face goading you into trying to pronouce it you tend to read it over and over even though you really don't want to. This led to many sleepless nights, I assure you. In fact, I may not sleep tonight as bloobloobloobloo may actually be a demon's name and I just don't know it. And I've already typed it four times. You can see now how the craziness happens.)

Getting back to this INCREDIBLY EFFECTIVE TRAILER, I totally believe you can hear ghosts on audio tapes. There was an episode of Sightings a while ago that had this woman who'd go into haunted houses and graveyards and talk to the ghosts while her tape recorder was going and when she played it back you could hear voices answering her questions. Then there was this guy who for some reason hooked his video camera up in such a way that it was pointed at a tv and recording the blank image, essentially recording a recording of the recorder recording recording itself. So there were infinite tv screens. Or something like that. But anyway when he played back his tape there were pictures of people on the tape, snapshots of smiling people, and ONE OF THEM WAS HIS DEAD DAUGHTER!!!!

This movie is apparently based on these types of experiences, which are being actively investigated by LEGITIMATE SCIENTISTS. Hopefully the movie doesn't suck, because the trailer is awesome and totally scared the shit out of me. I almost peed my pants. I think all the hair on the back of my neck is still standing up.

That's basically it--all I wanted to say was THIS TRAILER KICKS ASS. Hopefully I will soon haul my ass to Resident Evil: Apocalypse and I can post a review for you that will satiate your craving for mutated zombie ass-kicking that occurs to a driving rap-rock soundtrack.