review--SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

Computers are supposed to kick ass. And by kick ass I mean make life easier by taking care of multiple complicated tasks that we busy humans can no longer be bothered with, like math and going out to buy porn. Computers are not supposed to suck; they are so smart, they should be able to take care of themselves with little or no help. But unfortunately they can't and that is why we have to have IT guys.

Computers are like cars: they kick ass and I totally wish I knew more about them than I do. I can drive; I can surf the internet. When I want more oil I have to go to a mechanic. When I want wireless for my fifty-year-old hand-me-down iMac, I have to ask The Husband over and over, "What's an AirCard? What's an AirCard? Can I use my computer at the coffee shop? HUH?" And it means I spend more time at www.microcenter.com looking at book bags than reading about networking solutions.

Can you read this: *@&@&$%^!@)&)(*@(&# #^(#&(!& # ^#(&^!@O& @(%#%*^ @(&#(& #(&? That was a very complicated dissertation on networking solutions. It makes no sense to me, either. I hate being computer illiterate. Computers suck ass.

And I thought I would never say this, but computers were the problem with SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.

SKY CAPTAIN involves giant robots sent to get power converters so that an evil genius can build a space ark and blow up the planet. Our intrepid heroes, Polly Prissypants and Indiana Jones try to stop him. In their quest they go to Hoth, Dagoba, and The Temple of Doom. Stuff happens, and some more stuff, and probably some more stuff but it's all in soft focus so you can barely see it. The very last scene is shitty and stupid. THE END.

The GIMMICK of this film (used to entice losers like me into spending the full price to see the movie) is that there are no sets. Everything except the actors and some props are computer generated. If you'll recall, a few years ago Lucas tried this same GIMMICK with a little piece of poop called THE PHANTOM MENACE. People were ready to tar, feather, draw, and quarter him for that film and yet someone saw fit to greenlight this one, presumably because Giovanni Ribisi is more charming than Jar-Jar.

There is also an INSPIRATIONAL TALE OF PLUCKY DETERMINATION AND ARTISTIC VISION connected with this movie. Kerry Conran, the guy who wrote and directed the movie, spent FOUR YEARS toiling on his computer to come up with SIX MINUTES of film to show studio execs. FOUR YEARS. Now, one must ask oneself, how much of those four years on the computer were spent using Word. I would guess one week. "Character Development" seems to have meant more VISUALLY than anything else, because everyone is pretty much reduced to less than a stereotype.

I'm being pretty harsh. But seriously, most of the movie is spent watching Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow yell at each other in an airplane. The Husband and I just rented a movie from the library--get it at your own peril--called SLIPSTREAM, and it starred (get this) Mark Hamill, Bill Paxton, F. Murray Abraham and Ben Kingsley. And Abraham and Kingsley had ALREADY WON their Oscars/nominations before they agreed to star in this piece of crap. Anyway, most of the beginning of the movie involves four people in two planes yelling back and forth over seats to one another. Not the most conducive situation for dramatic anything. And yet SKY CAPTAIN does the same thing.

Yeah, people will tell you it's something to look at. But seriously, the cool shit is pretty much over about a quarter of the way into the movie, because then everyone goes to Hoth and there are no more robots. And it made me long for the day when they used to do shit like this by hand, you know, like CLASH OF THE TITANS, like you could totally tell it was a clay monster.

I sound like I should start regaling you with tales about how far I had to walk to school without shoes. In the snow. "We lived in a shoebox in the middle of the road, and our father would wake us up a hour before we went to bed so we could get out and lick the road clean." Yeah, movies used to be so much better. But seriously, what happened to giving a crap about the STORY? And more importantly, why do I keep supporting this crap with my hard-earned money? When did I become a sheep?

Seriously, I need to become more adept at playing video games, because I think I could get my dead zombie quota from DOOM 3 better than the crap I've been watching at the movies. I AM A SLAVE TO THINGS BLOWING UP!!!! ARGH!!!

Next week: SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

Shut up.