review--SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW

Computers are supposed to kick ass. And by kick ass I mean make life easier by taking care of multiple complicated tasks that we busy humans can no longer be bothered with, like math and going out to buy porn. Computers are not supposed to suck; they are so smart, they should be able to take care of themselves with little or no help. But unfortunately they can't and that is why we have to have IT guys.

Computers are like cars: they kick ass and I totally wish I knew more about them than I do. I can drive; I can surf the internet. When I want more oil I have to go to a mechanic. When I want wireless for my fifty-year-old hand-me-down iMac, I have to ask The Husband over and over, "What's an AirCard? What's an AirCard? Can I use my computer at the coffee shop? HUH?" And it means I spend more time at www.microcenter.com looking at book bags than reading about networking solutions.

Can you read this: *@&@&$%^!@)&)(*@(&# #^(#&(!& # ^#(&^!@O& @(%#%*^ @(&#(& #(&? That was a very complicated dissertation on networking solutions. It makes no sense to me, either. I hate being computer illiterate. Computers suck ass.

And I thought I would never say this, but computers were the problem with SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW.

SKY CAPTAIN involves giant robots sent to get power converters so that an evil genius can build a space ark and blow up the planet. Our intrepid heroes, Polly Prissypants and Indiana Jones try to stop him. In their quest they go to Hoth, Dagoba, and The Temple of Doom. Stuff happens, and some more stuff, and probably some more stuff but it's all in soft focus so you can barely see it. The very last scene is shitty and stupid. THE END.

The GIMMICK of this film (used to entice losers like me into spending the full price to see the movie) is that there are no sets. Everything except the actors and some props are computer generated. If you'll recall, a few years ago Lucas tried this same GIMMICK with a little piece of poop called THE PHANTOM MENACE. People were ready to tar, feather, draw, and quarter him for that film and yet someone saw fit to greenlight this one, presumably because Giovanni Ribisi is more charming than Jar-Jar.

There is also an INSPIRATIONAL TALE OF PLUCKY DETERMINATION AND ARTISTIC VISION connected with this movie. Kerry Conran, the guy who wrote and directed the movie, spent FOUR YEARS toiling on his computer to come up with SIX MINUTES of film to show studio execs. FOUR YEARS. Now, one must ask oneself, how much of those four years on the computer were spent using Word. I would guess one week. "Character Development" seems to have meant more VISUALLY than anything else, because everyone is pretty much reduced to less than a stereotype.

I'm being pretty harsh. But seriously, most of the movie is spent watching Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow yell at each other in an airplane. The Husband and I just rented a movie from the library--get it at your own peril--called SLIPSTREAM, and it starred (get this) Mark Hamill, Bill Paxton, F. Murray Abraham and Ben Kingsley. And Abraham and Kingsley had ALREADY WON their Oscars/nominations before they agreed to star in this piece of crap. Anyway, most of the beginning of the movie involves four people in two planes yelling back and forth over seats to one another. Not the most conducive situation for dramatic anything. And yet SKY CAPTAIN does the same thing.

Yeah, people will tell you it's something to look at. But seriously, the cool shit is pretty much over about a quarter of the way into the movie, because then everyone goes to Hoth and there are no more robots. And it made me long for the day when they used to do shit like this by hand, you know, like CLASH OF THE TITANS, like you could totally tell it was a clay monster.

I sound like I should start regaling you with tales about how far I had to walk to school without shoes. In the snow. "We lived in a shoebox in the middle of the road, and our father would wake us up a hour before we went to bed so we could get out and lick the road clean." Yeah, movies used to be so much better. But seriously, what happened to giving a crap about the STORY? And more importantly, why do I keep supporting this crap with my hard-earned money? When did I become a sheep?

Seriously, I need to become more adept at playing video games, because I think I could get my dead zombie quota from DOOM 3 better than the crap I've been watching at the movies. I AM A SLAVE TO THINGS BLOWING UP!!!! ARGH!!!

Next week: SHAUN OF THE DEAD.

Shut up.

review--RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE

I think I'm getting old. Shit blowing up just isn't doing it for me like it once did. I think, though, that it's more the fault of RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE than any real problem with me. This movie has bad SciFi Channel Piece of Crap Starring Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty written all over it.

Oh, wait, that movie's been made already. It was called ROUTE 666.

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE wasn't all that bad. I mean, it was free, because The Husband and I had a gift card. And it had Hottie Arab Guy from THE MUMMY in it. And Milla Jovovich is naked (seriously, she's like ALL NIPPLES). There was some advancement of story. And every once in a great while something blew up. But other than that...

RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE picks up where the first movie left off and veers futher into video game territory than the last. Jovovich returns as Alice, the chick who worked for the Umbrella Corporation. She's just woken up from some sort of experiment to find most of Raccoon City on fire and deserted. So she does what any sensible young lady would: she gets a kick ass outfit and some badass guns and goes off in search of some mayhem.

Meanwhile, we meet Jill Valentine, an actual character from the game, and in a move of casting brilliance the chick who plays her, Sienna Guillory, totally looks like a video game character. She has the walk down and everything. But how one busts some caps in some ass wearing a bustier is beyond me. Anyway, Jill is a Disgraced Cop with an Attitude, and she's of course the only one who for some bizarre reason knows that the city is being overrun with zombies. That doesn't prevent her and her Expendable Black Cop Buddy from getting trapped in quarantine with the rest of Raccoon City's inhabitants.

So Alice rescues Jill and the ragtag band of Zombie Chow that's been trapped with her, and together they go off in search of the daughter of an Umbrella scientist who was also trapped in quarantine. And then some stuff happens, and zombies, and more stuff, and then SEQUEL!!!
For some strange reason I'm very excited at the prospect of a sequel. I think it's why I'm so into the games: there's just enough of a story to keep me interested and coming back. And also there's the added bonus that I don't need to do any button mashing to enjoy it. Both hands are left happily free to eat shitloads of popcorn and Sour Patch Kids. And for a free movie, it's seriously not that bad. There are some funny moments featuring The Streetwise Smartmouth Black Guy Who In Any Other Movie Would Die Fifteen Minutes In But Actually Rises to the Occasion and Proves Himself to be Really Awesome and Indispensable.

BUT...this is supposed to be a ZOMBIE movie. This was not supposed to be a Michael Jackson video. Alas, this film is more like "If Michael Jackson was a Badass" (no pun...oh, fuck it, you know I totally meant to say that). Imagine the Thriller video with guns. And some CGI dogs. And Milla Jovovich's nipples. And also REALLY SHITTY CAMERA WORK.

Ahem....Mr. Director, Alexander Witt. TAKE THE GODDAMN FILTER OFF THE CAMERA AND HOLD THE FUCKER STEADY AND LET ME SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!! ARGH!!!! I know you probably had a really small and shitty budget, and wanted to blow it on Slipknot on the soundtrack rather than special effects, but COME ON!!! Seriously, any time anyone undead even instinctually moved in front of the camera (I was going to say "thought about walking on camera," but they're undead so they can't think...and, um, it's just a movie) the camera goes all fuzzy and starts swinging around like it's held by a five year old.

Okay, so I guess this wasn't all that good. I mean, there are other things wrong with it, like why if you're being attacked by zombies you and your buddies take a shortcut through a graveyard. Although they probably thought they were safe considering the virus that reanimates people CAN'T GET TO PEOPLE BURIED UNDERGROUND!!! ARGH!!! And how did the main evil huge ass zombie become a master of kung fu? HUH?!?!?

But I am still excited for the sequel, in part because, well...I'm here for you. I'll take one for the team, so you can have your zombie ass kicking without having to actually suffer through it.
Plus I really want to find out what happens.

In the meantime, salivate over this, the KING OF UNDEAD ASS KICKING!!!! December can't get here fast enough.

Wesley Snipes, I love you.

****Stay tuned for a review of SKYY VODKA CAPTAIN KANGAROO AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW TODAY SHOW WITH MATT LAUER AND KATIE COURIC.****

review--THE TRAILER FOR WHITE NOISE

No, not the adaptation of the book by Don Delillo, even though that is supposedly in the process of casting AS WE SPEAK. This WHITE NOISE stars Michael "Hi, where the hell have you been?" Keaton as a dude who loses his wife and then tries to contact her from beyond the grave, which anyone who's ever seen a movie will know is A Bad Idea.

Anyway, I stumbled upon the trailer while trying to find out what's playing at the dollar theater. Yahoo is currently without local theater listings. But I downloaded the trailer, which you can find here.

Let me begin by saying that I totally believe in communicating with the dead. Still don't know what my thoughts are about Life After Death and Getting into Heaven and Jeezus, Don't Cremate Your Body or You'll Have Nothing to Use When the Rapture Happens. Actually, I totally believe in the Rapture, but not a crazy We Need To Blow Up Arabs to Bring It About Rapture; more like a Hey, Remember How David Duchovny was Naked in that Movie About the Rapture Rapture. If David Duchovny is naked, I will believe. I WANT to believe. Anyway, I actually totally believe in the Rapture. That kind of stuff freaks my shit out. I totally believe you can be possessed if you use a Ouija board by yourself. I totally believe you'll see Bloody Mary if you say her name 13 times into a darkened mirror. I totally believe in ghosts, and exorcisms, and space aliens, and mom and apple pie. AND I almost have my Master's degree.

(Here's a story: When I was younger, my grandmother had a first edition hardcover copy of The Amityville Horror. I read that book fifty times, and it made me cry with fear EVERY SINGLE TIME. I still have that book and I know without a doubt that I would cry if I were to read it today. Anyway, there's this part in the story where the patriarch of the clan residing in the Amityville Horror House, George Lutz, does some research at his local public library on demons and demonology. Excited by his findings he calls the priest who's been helping his family.

"Father," he says, "I've been doing research at the local public library on demons and demonology, and I think I know which demon has been terrorizing us!!! Its name is bloobloobloobloo!!!"

"Damnit, George!!!" the priest screams into the phone, "Whatever you do, don't say its name!!! If you say a demon's name three times you will call it forth!!!"

So, of course, seeing as how I'd read the book fifty times, and the book totally printed the actual demon's name rather than bloobloobloobloo, I was convinced that I had inadvertently called the demon up by reading its name more than once, sometimes many times in a single sitting, because seriously when you're confronted with a word like bloobloobloobloo and its staring you in the face goading you into trying to pronouce it you tend to read it over and over even though you really don't want to. This led to many sleepless nights, I assure you. In fact, I may not sleep tonight as bloobloobloobloo may actually be a demon's name and I just don't know it. And I've already typed it four times. You can see now how the craziness happens.)

Getting back to this INCREDIBLY EFFECTIVE TRAILER, I totally believe you can hear ghosts on audio tapes. There was an episode of Sightings a while ago that had this woman who'd go into haunted houses and graveyards and talk to the ghosts while her tape recorder was going and when she played it back you could hear voices answering her questions. Then there was this guy who for some reason hooked his video camera up in such a way that it was pointed at a tv and recording the blank image, essentially recording a recording of the recorder recording recording itself. So there were infinite tv screens. Or something like that. But anyway when he played back his tape there were pictures of people on the tape, snapshots of smiling people, and ONE OF THEM WAS HIS DEAD DAUGHTER!!!!

This movie is apparently based on these types of experiences, which are being actively investigated by LEGITIMATE SCIENTISTS. Hopefully the movie doesn't suck, because the trailer is awesome and totally scared the shit out of me. I almost peed my pants. I think all the hair on the back of my neck is still standing up.

That's basically it--all I wanted to say was THIS TRAILER KICKS ASS. Hopefully I will soon haul my ass to Resident Evil: Apocalypse and I can post a review for you that will satiate your craving for mutated zombie ass-kicking that occurs to a driving rap-rock soundtrack.

review--SUPER TROOPERS

SUPER TROOPERS is the worst movie ever made.

interlude-THE GREATEST TELEVISION SHOWS THAT NEVER WERE

About halfway through this ABC program, I had an epiphany. I realized two things:

A) There are not nearly enough hours in the day and

B) Television producers suck ass for greenlighting crap like Boston Commons and rejecting such gems as Wishman.

I also came to the conclusion that this "reading" thing I've been getting into is lame and a waste of time and I need to watch more TV. And also, television viewers in the Eighties never had it so good. And also, Scott Bakula made a lot of career missteps.

THE GREATEST TV SHOWS THAT NEVER WERE was a clip compendium from tv pilots that for some reason or another were never picked up by the networks. Most of them looked like they'd totally kick ass, and some I totally remember watching when they originally aired, because back then my taste wasn't nearly as discriminating. Case in Point: BATES MOTEL. Starring the strangely round-headed Bud Cort from HAROLD AND MAUDE, this 1987 creep-fest had mental patient Cort reopening the Bates Motel, given to him by fellow inmate Norman Bates. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Cort fixes the place right up with fountains and flowers and matching guest towels, and stuff happens and it's not at all scary. I totally watched this. Why, I don't remember. I think I may have thought Bud Cort was cute in a round-headed kind of way. And Jason Bateman was in it. GET IT!?!?! BATEMAN!??! Oh, and Lori Petty was in it too, young and innocent and not yet in POINT BREAK. And the redhead from HEAD OF THE CLASS was in it, and Dr. Hologram from Voyager. I know his name is Robert Picardo!!! I was just checking to see if you remembered.

Another one I totally remember watching was WISHMAN. Linda Hamilton stars as the wife of a scientist who steals a genetically created kid with big eyes and electric antenna on his head. And they go on the run from government people. As they all do. I would need to count on all my fingers and toes the number of shows involving people "on the run from government agents." THE PHOENIX was of course the best of the genre, followed closely by THE POWERS OF MATTHEW STARR, MISFITS OF SCIENCE, STARMAN, and THE A-TEAM.

One that totally should have been greenlighted was THE CHAMELEON starring Bobbie Phillips (Dr. Bambi Berenbaum from X-Files season three episode War of the Coprophages) where she plays a robot that can change her appearance to blend in with her surroundings. Apparently this takes place in a nudist colony because from the preview "blending in" requires a lot of removing of clothing. If crap like SHEENA and WHATEVER THE HELL IT WAS 2025 got greenlighted, this totally deserved to be more than a series of lame TV films.

My breath was literally taken away when they featured the pilot film GOOD AGAINST EVIL, which I own on DVD. Not on purpose, mind you; it was part of the GREATEST INVENTION SINCE TOILET PAPER (and those who know me know how much I love toilet paper so this really means something), Best Buy DVD two-packs called HORROR CLASSICS which supply the discerning viewer with up to 11 hours of movies for FIVE NINETY-NINE. You heard me: for less than a ticket to an afternoon show, you can have eight movies at your fingertips. Chances are they all suck ass, but you're not paying for the Hope Diamond, you're paying for Marie Osmond's entire QVC doll collection.

That's not a very good analogy. I got a 1020 on my SAT. I think that means I flunked analogies, but I got my name right.

Anyway, in GOOD AGAINST EVIL, hunky Soap Star Dack Rambo is in love with the chick who is destined to bear the Child of Satan. She of course doesn't realize what her destiny is so she just thinks she's "bad news" (Honey, "bad news" is when you love them and leave them, not when you love them and they are mysteriously run over by rolling logs out in the middle of a cornfield because Satan doesn't want his bride to be defiled) so she leaves Dack but he can't forget their undying love that grew out of an auto accident involving a parked car and about a week of eating picnics and posing for street artists, so he hooks up with an exorcist to chase after her. Presumably the show was to involve the two of them traveling cross country to battle satanic cats and exorcise the children of Dack's old girlfriends. At least this is what happened in the movie. Dack's old girlfriend is played by SEX AND THE CITY's Kim Cattrall in one of her first roles. She looks good as a brunette. Playing Satan's minion is Richard Lynch, a name you don't recognize but I swear if you saw him you'd be like, "HEY! Isn't he that guy that played Satan's minion in that movie *fill in the blank*?" He's totally satanic looking. The exorcist is played by real-life exorcist Dan O'Herlihy. Not really, but with a name like that, he should totally be a real-life exorcist.

Finally, a couple of quickies. The people who brought you BAYWATCH really wanted to bring you DAYTONA BEACH, a show about a cop/lifeguard/race car driver/priest/pizza delivery guy dating an air force pilot/wannabe astronaut. The astronaut chick was played by Alexandra Paul, the one chick on BAYWATCH who looked like she could actually save your life should you be unlucky enough to nearly drown on that particular beach. And Lee Majors was in it, I guess hoping to hit the same comeback jackpot won by David Hasselhoff.

GEEZ, KNIGHT RIDER vs THE FALL GUY? Ask me to gnaw off my own arm instead, why don't you?

And then there's poor Scott Bakula. He had two doosies. The first was I-MAN, where Scott plays a cab driver who smells space gas and is able to heal really fast, so he fights crime but still gets hurt but can heal really fast so he...um...doesn't scar as bad? According to IMDB, this was his first big role carrying a series. This totally reminds me of the greatest movie ever made, MODERN PROBLEMS starring Chevy Chase as a guy who gets dowsed by nuclear waste and gains telekinetic powers. Seriously, I saw that movie fifty bagillion times in the movie theater. And keep in mind I was ten when this came out, so that was quite a feat. And also I think the "theater" was actually the drive-in next to my house. My point is that some suffering relative had to take me and sit there with me through the fifty bagillion times. Also suffered through by a relative was ZAPPED, the greatest movie ever made by the then love of my life, Scott Baio. I remember my dad took me to see this at the drive-in and slept through the whole thing. It was a double feature with PARADISE starring Willie Ames and Pheobe Cates. This was totally a BLUE LAGOON rip-off, and also where I learned about sex. I'm kidding, I totally learned about sex from watching monkeys at the zoo. Wait, that was Homer Simpson.

Anyway, Scott Bakula starred in the small screen adaption of GUNG HO before landing the lead in THE INFILTRATOR, where he's a crazy scientist guy who makes a teleporter and teleports himself right into the space probe in the sexy scientist's office next door. So then when he gets mad he totally transforms into a super robot. And stuff happens.

There were more goodies. The STAR TREK spinoff ASSIGNMENT: EARTH looked promising, although it appears this is just considered episode 55 of the series. And then there was THE PEOPLE, about space alien Amish people, which was first season X-files episode Gender Bender, featuring an appearance by actor Nic Lea before he was cast as recurring character Kyrchek.

Not that you wanted to know that.

But see, the point of all of this is that if only they'd do away with the makeover shows and the LOOK, HONEY, I SWAPPED OUT THE KIDS shows, there would be way more scripted shit for me to watch and memorize minutia from. And really, that's what life is all about, isn't it?

That question's rhetorical, by the way.

PS I totally forgot to mention the DAREDEVIL TV show starring SOLID GOLD host Rex Smith. Thank God that failed, or else Ben Affleck would have had something to live up to. By the way, the black Solid Gold dancer with the hair was Darcel. She was in XANADU, in the musical bit with The Tubes.

Not that you wanted to know that.

review #11--THE CRAZY ASS DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT

So last night I slept on the couch. It was hot as hell upstairs, so I went to the living room to read (A SEASON FOR THE DEAD by David Hewson and it KICKS ASS) for a little while, and then I got tired to I went back upstairs, but then I still couldn't get to sleep so I gave up and went downstairs and slept on the couch. I was out like a light as soon as my head hit the pillow. And then I had a weird dream.

I dreamt that I'd just had gastric bypass surgery. My mom and dad and brother were with me at the clinic. I'd just woken up and they were preparing me to go home, giving me instructions on how to take care of my wound. It was a small incision above my pubic bone, and it was from there that they'd apparently taken out my intestines and fooled around with them. The nurse was telling me I couldn't take any medication until I healed, but my incision was starting to hurt. And then we had to go talk about my insurance coverage; the surgery was only $6000, and I thought that was quite a deal because that was about what our car cost.

So then my parents were taking me home, and I was SO HUNGRY but I wasn't allowed to eat, because if I did I would get sick. And I was really worried about causing some sort of tear in my abdomen that would cause me to bleed to death. And the nurse had told me absolutely no soda because the carbonation would cause problems, and the first thing I did was drink a Dr. Pepper, so I was freaking about about killing myself by doing that. So then I started freaking out and crying because I had the surgery in the first place, and now I would never be able to eat normally ever again. But the worst was I got home and had to tell The Husband that I'd had the surgery; I'd never told him I was doing it. I was too embarrassed that I needed it and that I was having it done to tell him, so he was angry. And then I woke up.

What the heck was up with that?

ten little reviews--THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

SPOILERS!!!

When I was little, I was terrified of the Emergency Broadcast System. I have a traumatic memory of running through the house screaming my head off while that buzzing filled the house, my dad shouting from the shower for me to shut up. I used to keep a pillow case of my favorite stuffed animals under my bed in case we needed to head for the basement to hide from a tornado, or if a fire broke out and we had to make a run for it. I was neurotic from a very early age.

Now I have to be afraid of Overnight Ice Ages. Great.

The Day After Tomorrow was the spoonful of sprinkles on top of an evening that left me wishing it was the day after tomorrow. This has nothing to do with the movie, but I must share that The Husband and I went on another of our trademarked Dollar Movie and Taco Bell dates, and not only did the movie suck ass but the guy working the pick-up window at The Border tried to pick-up me. While my husband was sitting next to me in the car. He fondled my hand as he gave me my change. And then he was so preoccupied with Rico Suaving me that he forgot to give us some of our food, necessitating a trip inside. AND I was very sick to my stomach after eating the food, but that may have been the Grinders from earlier in the day but I'm not willing to believe that because Grinders is awesome.

In other words, WHAT A NIGHT.

The Day After Tomorrow is one of the worst movies ever made. I feel I can say that unequivocally. In fact, I could not watch it without giggling and thinking of motifs to lift to improve my own Flush Point. Because they are the same movie. But with hail instead of toilets. The Day After Tomorrow is also exactly like Godzilla without Godzilla and Matthew Broderick and Independence Day without Will Smith's pecs. Because seriously, Dennis Quaid is the new Bill Pullman.

The Day After Tomorrow is all about a catastrophic climate change that results in destruction not anywhere near as cool as the White House getting torched by space aliens. Instead it snows. A lot. And gets really cold really quick. Which for a person like me--who right now in the midst of mid-80s temperatures is wearing a t-shirt and black fleece pullover--is true horror. But stuff happens to people we should give a shit about but don't, and Dick Cheney is an ass even as a fictional character, and hey, isn't the president that guy that ran a detective agency off of a boat and homo-erotically palled around with another guy and a geek who's best friend was a robot?

Dennis Quaid knows something bad is going down, but no one will listen to him because for some reason everyone but Bilbo Baggins hates him. It's probably because he has a job that takes him away from home for months at a time but he has the smug audacity to own house plants AND come home acting all pissed because they're dead. He's divorced/separated from a doctor who cares more about her patients than herself, which should be an endearing quality but instead made me wish all the more for her Tragic Onscreen Death. They have a son who's WICKED SMART and has A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER, so he's totally going to redeem himself by knowing what the hell's going on and building out of a tub of recycling and a roll of scotch tape the spaceship that will take everyone to another habitable planet. Not really but almost. So then it snows some more, and people burn stuff to stay warm, and then it snows, and then everyone goes to Mexico and lives happily ever after, YAY AMERICA!!!

Just to warn everyone ahead of time, THIS MOVIE IS FICTION. Although it is based on the non-fiction work of two crazy people, "The Coming Global Superstorm" by Art Bell and Whitley Strieber (SIDE NOTE: I have all of Whitley Strieber's books and I used to listen to Art Bell's radio show, until he left the air after the Government threatened him and his family with death for SPEAKING THE TRUTH), you recognize it as fiction when at the end of the movie the Dick Cheney character APOLOGIZES FOR BEING WRONG. This would never happen in real life, and totally breaks the fourth wall and ruined all illusions I had about the movie.

Although I do not have any trouble believing what I've now decided is the GRAND PLAN OF THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION. See, they are intentionally screwing with the climate in order to bring about a global environmental catastrophe in order to bring about radical positive changes in family values. Because in this film it is once again proven that there is nothing better at bringing about the reconciliation of a failed marriage like catastrophic global catastrophe. Because everyone lives happily ever after, even if they are in refugee tent camps in Mexico.

And everyone does live, because apparently no one dies during such catastrophic events unless they are smarmy or misguided, and even then it happens off screen so we don't care. Seriously, like, these people thought snow was the worst thing they had to contend with, when days before they were swimming in CHEST-HIGH NEW YORK SEWER WATER? I must have missed the memo sent out congratulating humanity on totally wiping out cholera.

I do have to admit I felt some affinity with those heartbroken at having to burn books to stay alive, although if I were them I totally would have been like, "Anne Rice books first!!!" That would have kicked ass.

All, though, is not lost. There is a moral to this story: Nature proves that God loves Monty Python as much as we do, as a tanker floats through downtown Manhattan, just like at the beginning of The Meaning of Life.

Unfortunately for us, The Day After Tomorrow lacks a plot, plausible acting, realistic dialogue, and a machine that goes "ping."

Cloud Nine--THE PLEASURE OF MY COMPANY

This one will be short and sweet.

I read. I know that after seeing my other entries, this is difficult to believe. You probably think, all she does is watch TV and go to the movies, but that fact is if I try real hard I can read at around a college level, and I occasionally do.

I should be reading around the college level research for my thesis, but instead I'm working my way through everything that's been recommended on Salon.com in the last couple of months, and some shitty books "YOU'LL LOVE IF YOU LIKED THE DA VINCI CODE!!!" Which I have but haven't read yet, but I'm a sucker for a conspiracy, especially if it involves the Illuminati or some variation of, so even though Angels & Demons sucked ass I'm totally going to read the Da Vinci Code. But I refuse to try to figure it out for myself!!! I may even read the last page first.

But I felt compelled to write. I just finished a book that had me crying so hard at the end that The Husband awoke from a deep sleep next to me in bed and told me to go blow my nose. That book was Steve Martin's newest novel, The Pleasure of My Company.

Granted, I cry at everything. I cried at the end of Shrek because it was so happy. I cried when they first showed the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park because it was so damn cool and real. I BELIEVED the dinosaurs were real!!! Seriously, it was awesome.

This book made me cry because it was very melancholy, and then very happy. I sound like a four year old talking about my favorite My Pretty Pony, but you must forgive me as I'm still blubbering.

Daniel is trapped in the throws of OCD. His weekly walks to the local Rite Aid to stare longingly at Zandy the Pharmacist take 45 minutes because he can't walk over curbs. On a lark he enters an essay contest, "Why I am the Most Average American." His fascination with his therapist, Clarrisa, is rivaled only by his obsession with Elizabeth, the real estate agent showing apartments across the street. Despite his shortcomings, Daniel thinks very highly of himself, with some disastrous results. Eventually he comes to find the tightly ordered routine of his life coming apart at the seams, and instead of retreating into himself, he reaches out to grasp onto the passing sleeves of those around him, a child guided over the curbs of life.

So, the book is fantastic. Did you ever see LA Story? It's like that, funny and yet bittersweet. You never saw LA Story? DAMN YOU!!! Go and see it!!! But please, at some point read The Pleasure of My Company. It's only 162 pages long, a three hour read at the most. And it's awesome. I think it may be up there with Microserfs, my all-time favorite book.

I'm off to blow my nose, take a couple of Excedrin, and try to calm down a little. Sometimes a good cry feels really good, you know?

eight--I, ROBOT

SPOILERS!!!!

So the brother and I were on the phone a few weeks ago: he was thanking me profusely for emailing him a link to the new Alien V Predator movie, and I was telling him to have a good time seeing it without me because there are TOTALLY going to be Things Popping Out of People in the movie and although I have gotten a bit better with watching things that tangentally can be considered Things Popping Out of People (like Ron Weasley vomiting up slugs in that Harry Potter movie that I can't remember which one it was specifically) Alien is the Numero Uno Things Popping Out of People experience for me and so it will always be avoided at all costs.

Even watching the trailer for Aliens V Predator is a big step for me. I should be congratulated.

So anyway, the brother and I are on the phone a few weeks ago when I ask if he's seen the trailer for Will Smith's movie, I, ROBOT.

"Yeah, and it looks like it's going to suck," he says. "When did you want to go see it?"

So it was with extremely low expectations that I entered I, ROBOT. In the end I was pleasantly surprised. It's not all that bad, although the brother hated it, but he's still into wrestling, so take his opinion as you will. It's decent enough for a summer movie, with lots of stuff blowing up, and a decent enough story that makes sense until you think about it later, but by then you're so struck by the coolness of the movie you don't care but you still do because yeah the plot holes are pretty big. But then again you don't care because you saw it in the afternoon so you didn't pay full price.

Will Smith stars as Will Smith, a cop with a grudge/secret emotional pain/bad attitude/chip on his shoulder/cynical streak/problem with authority/hatred of the world. Pretty sucky stuff happened to him that seriously messed him up, but of course he immediately goes back to work because it's better to be messed up in the head when you're at your cop job and have access to perps and guns, rather than recuperating at home where the worst you can do is eat a lot of Cheez-Its and watch Maury's "I'm fifteen, I was pregnant at twelve, You are the father of this baby" show. Will Smith hates robots and unfortunately for him this is Chicago 2035, where the cars don't fly but there are fifty kagillion robots running around. Everyone has one, because it's obviously better to dump that annoying illegal immigrant you can barely understand and who costs five dollars a day to scrub your toilets when you can pay ten thousand in one lump sum and get a robot to do it.

Seriously, just to jump in here: there are like NO HOMELESS PEOPLE in Chicago in 2035. I'm assuming they've all been killed and converted into Soylent Green. Because when you've got robots working at Fed Ex and tending bar at your local dive, where are all the people who used to have those jobs going to go? Bush is behind this, I just know it.

Just to jump in again: The aforementioned local dive in the movie is the OVALTINE, which even though is supposedly in Chicago is actually in Vancouver, and was featured in the third season X-Files episode "Jose Chung's From Outer Space." I am not a geek.

So Ephram Cochran is making robots, his discovery of warp drive apparently a side project he thought more of as a hobby. At the beginning of the movie he does a Greg Louganis out the window of his 20th floor lab. His hologram calls Will Smith in to investigate, and of course while everyone else is quick to write it off as a suicide, Will Smith knows that it's murder. Because the chip on his shoulder whispered it to him. He immediately fingers a suspect: Sonny, a Robot with Feelings. At first, Will Smith thinks Sonny killed Cochran just to see what it'd be like to kill someone, but Sonny keeps calling Cochran "Father," and I think this was supposed to have Jesus overtones, but I just kept thinking about Data on Star Trek and his evil twin, Lore. Which this is sort of like but not quite.

So then there's this hot chick and she's a psychologist working to make the robots more humanlike. Which of course is ironic because she's a severe, stone cold bitch. Get it? This movie is FILLED TO THE BRIM with ironies, like Will Smith hates robots who are marginalized in society and he's black so his people have been marginalized so you'd think he'd relate and then the chick has no feelings but she studies the human mind and tries to get robots to seem like they feel things. It's deep. Seriously.

So then the movie is kind of like a weird buddy-cop movie, because Will Smith is kinda working with the bitch scientist (because after overcoming an initial period of hate and distrust they grow to like and respect one another and recognize their own faults and attempt to overcome them while working together to achieve a common goal), but then he's also kind of working with the robot (because after overcoming an initial period of hate and distrust they grow to like and respect one another and recognize their own faults and attempt to overcome them while working together to achieve a common goal). And then the robot kicks ALL SORTS OF ASS!!! And Will Smith says some smart ass things which is incredibly endearing and everyone comes to realize that he was right all along and actually has a heart of gold and was working for the betterment of man- and robot-kind. And then there are more Jesus allusions. THE END.

Which is really sad because this movie would have been awesome had it been like Alien Nation, and Sonny and Will Smith become partners on the Chicago police force and get into zany adventures which are predicated upon some misunderstanding arising from an inadvertent miscommunication. And then there'd be homoerotic overtones.

Because you know this whole time you've been thinking about sex robots.

On a side note, the showing I attended featured a trailer for RESIDENT EVIL : APOCALYPSE. Apocalypse is my favorite word because it makes me think of Acapulco. Which makes me think of The Love Boat. Gopher was so hot. Anyway, this trailer made me realize that giving up smoking was the worst thing I could have ever done because

A) Killing zombies is cool, but killing zombies while you're smoking is even cooler and

B) You never know when you're going to have to set something on fire, and you're guaranteed to have a lighter on you if you smoke. Imagine, just for a minute, if zombies actually did take over the world and you had just doused a warehouse full of them with gasoline and you're standing there wanting to set it ablaze but you can't because you gave up Camels and threw out your "Life's a Bitch and So am I" disposable lighter. I'm just saying.

Lucky #7-SPIDER MAN 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Before I begin, I just have to preface my review by saying that I have no right whatsoever to talk ill of comic book geeks. I collect my fair share of crap; why, just this afternoon I was at The Laughing Ogre, screaming at my brother because I couldn't figure out in what order to read the various books of 30 Days of Night (soon to be a Major Motion Picture) and lamenting the fact that the new Neil Gaiman series, at $3.50 a piece and eight issues total, would run altogether far more than the $22 I'd originally estimated. Funny side story: the brother looked at me askance and was all like, "You did see how much they cost right?" And I'm like, yeah, three fiddy. And he's wheels turning in his head and smoke coming out of his ears and he's like, "That's...more than twenty-four dollars, not twenty-two!"

Math is hard.

But as I was saying, I have no right to talk about people. Why, just this afternoon as we drove to the theater, we were behind a car with an Enterprise Car Rental sticker on the bumper, and I thought back longingly to the days when I wanted a Lariat Car Rental company bumper sticker for my car.

Never heard of Lariat? That's strange...because Lariat was the company Mulder and Scully always rented cars from when they were off on cases.

See. I can't talk about people.

HOWEVER, there was a group of people outside the theater after SPIDER MAN 2: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK discussing myriad ways the plot diverged from the comic continuity. "I don't remember Mary Jane getting married until much later," said one.

Actually, it was in AMAZING SPIDER MAN #392 that she first talked about marriage.

I'm evil. It was actually FANTASTIC SPIDER MAN #195.

Anyway, this is not why you're here.

Let me begin by saying SPIDER MAN 2: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD is the GREATEST MOVIE EVER. This is not hyperbole. Although I will say now that it will only hold this title until BLADE THREE: RETURN OF THE KING OF VAMPIRE ASS KICKING comes out this winter, which we saw a preview for and which features shitloads of Wesley Snipes being a total badass and blowing a lot of shit up. That's one thing SPIDER MAN 2: 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS lacks in spades: ass-kicking Wesley Snipes. It also lacks a lot of shit blowing up, and when I say it lacks shit blowing up I mean shit does blow up a lot but it's not cool shit. It's like lame ass Necessary For The Plot shit. The Kelmeister only gives a stamp of approval to completely gratuitous sex and violence.

So why did I think Spider Man 2: The Secret of the Ooze was the greatest movie ever made? It made me cry. And I saw a naked picture of Tobey Maguire on the internet and he's hung like Seabiscuit and I couldn't get the mental image of him playing naked cards with Leo DiCaprio and David Blaine out of my head. But this was okay, because Kirsten Dunst had protruding nipples through the whole film, so my husband had something to think about instead of me thinking about Tobey Maguire.

Also, J.K. Simmons, who is Jameson, rocks. You might remember him from his star turn as the ass-kicking Dr. Skoda on Law and Order. I miss Dr. Skoda. Also he was on Oz, but I don't have cable and I would watch it on DVD but I have to keep myself pure until ALIAS season 3 comes out.

By the way, the season finale of Alias was awesome right up until the end. I still can't decide if it sucks ass or not.

So, anyway, Spider Man 2: On The Rocks was awesome. It was funny and sad and inspiring and made me Proud To Be An American. Although, dude if you're living in a shit apartment and your elderly aunt is getting thrown out of her house, you stay with her and give her some of your pizza delivery money. It doesn't take a super hero to figure out the best way out of that situation. I mean, Peter apparently still spends a lot of time there anyway. And if he's concerned about having his own place to attract the chicks...he wears a costume. The chicks would dig you more if you lived in your parents' basement. MJ only likes him because she knew him before the suit. And she probably knows he's hung like Seabiscuit.

Also, pay attention to the very end. It's weird. I think it was supposed to MEAN SOMETHING PROFOUND, but was instead a downer and non-sensemaking.

Looking back on my review, it may seem like I actually hated Spider Man 2: Back in the Habit, I'm thoroughly recommending it. You can't go wrong with Spider Man 2: The Quickening. My mother would totally love this movie, and that really means something. I'm totally looking forward to Spider Man 3: Revolutions, when Spidey battles the evil Hobgoblin, who will in the movie be the alter ego of Harry Osborn although in the comic he's Roderick Kingsley.
Also, as a shout out to Nala and Giga, we now know who does the super hero's laundry.